cheerful voice. “Come along, darling,” she said to her daughter. “Don’t keep mother waiting.”
Ann could not watch the child. She turned away, rage rising in her throat like nausea. Why save Virginia Ritchie’s life? I should have slashed deeper, made a decent job of it, let life out of that house of petty horrors, the female body. “Mummy loves you.” Of course she does. Having opened her thighs to that faltering hero, your father, having swelled and ripened to your appalling birth, she has to love you. If she has eaten off your arm or your leg, if she has consumed you altogether, you must understand that she is nothing more than a young animal herself, ignorant, clumsy, hungry. She has needs of her own. Of course, she loves you; you’re one of them. I should have cut deeper. Stop it! Don’t rage. She really is no more than a young animal herself. As I am. As I am.
Ann walked out into the alley to the Club entrance. She opened the door and let the noise beat against her nerves like a thousand fists. The abscess of fury broke. Ann stepped up to the bar and ordered a double Scotch.
“I’ll buy that for you.”
Ann looked up at the not very drunk young man who stood beside her.
“Thanks, but I’m waiting for a friend.”
“You don’t have to wait for me.”
“Thanks anyway.”
Ann put her money on the counter and took her drink away from the bar. She stood at the edge of a roulette game, letting the alcohol mute the dying fanfare of indignation in her head. At last, at the center of the noise, she was still, but anger had kept her a kind of company. As she forced it away, grief could too easily sound the silence of her heart unless she could find human company. Bill would not be here. A year ago they had arranged the same night off. He might be at home. But to go to him in need was to incur a debt she could not repay. Silver? It was two hours before the end of the shift. And, anyway, Joe was home. Home. Frances might have gone to bed. Evelyn might still be awake. At one o’clock? Evelyn welcomed the conventions of time and space, fifteen years and the Sierras. One does not play games with ladies from California. No? No. What were you doing today then? I was … being kind. That little maneuver on Geiger Point as well? All right, that was a mistake. Which you won’t make again? No. How will you stop? I won’t go home. I won’t see her.
“Here you are. A double Scotch.”
It was the same young man. Are you human company, random antidote to grief? Must I take you? A habit of will forced Ann to response.
“Thanks.”
She stood beside him, watching the roulette wheel spin. If it lands in black, I’ll say no. If it lands in black, I’ll go home. The wheel slowed. The ball swung slowly, round and round, dropped, bounced, dropped again into red.
“Have any money on it?”
“No money ,” Ann said, “no.”
Had she really tied the night to chance and lost? Of course not. Red or black, it didn’t matter. She would not see Evelyn. And if you look in a mirror? I’ll see myself. Will you? It doesn’t matter who I see. She’s in another time, on another earth.
“Where are you from?” Ann asked.
“Frisco.”
The City. Even here in Reno they called it the City, a promised land across the mountains, a promised sea, her earth. But that was years ago on a beach of cypress, sea sand, kelp. She’s a wish I’ve outgrown. An image. My mother. Myself. The wheel spun again. He put money on red. The ball swung round and round. A need I haven’t got. A need I mustn’t have. Evelyn is … herself. The ball swung slowly, dropped into black.
“Damn!”
“Everybody loses,” Ann said.
“Red again.”
He stacked chips on numbers too, watched, waited, won.
“That will buy the drinks,” he said. “Shall we try for more?”
“More?”
“Yes, more,” he said. “Let’s go all the way.”
All his simple way could not be far. Ann looked up, willing.
But in the morning, when she woke and
Ann could not watch the child. She turned away, rage rising in her throat like nausea. Why save Virginia Ritchie’s life? I should have slashed deeper, made a decent job of it, let life out of that house of petty horrors, the female body. “Mummy loves you.” Of course she does. Having opened her thighs to that faltering hero, your father, having swelled and ripened to your appalling birth, she has to love you. If she has eaten off your arm or your leg, if she has consumed you altogether, you must understand that she is nothing more than a young animal herself, ignorant, clumsy, hungry. She has needs of her own. Of course, she loves you; you’re one of them. I should have cut deeper. Stop it! Don’t rage. She really is no more than a young animal herself. As I am. As I am.
Ann walked out into the alley to the Club entrance. She opened the door and let the noise beat against her nerves like a thousand fists. The abscess of fury broke. Ann stepped up to the bar and ordered a double Scotch.
“I’ll buy that for you.”
Ann looked up at the not very drunk young man who stood beside her.
“Thanks, but I’m waiting for a friend.”
“You don’t have to wait for me.”
“Thanks anyway.”
Ann put her money on the counter and took her drink away from the bar. She stood at the edge of a roulette game, letting the alcohol mute the dying fanfare of indignation in her head. At last, at the center of the noise, she was still, but anger had kept her a kind of company. As she forced it away, grief could too easily sound the silence of her heart unless she could find human company. Bill would not be here. A year ago they had arranged the same night off. He might be at home. But to go to him in need was to incur a debt she could not repay. Silver? It was two hours before the end of the shift. And, anyway, Joe was home. Home. Frances might have gone to bed. Evelyn might still be awake. At one o’clock? Evelyn welcomed the conventions of time and space, fifteen years and the Sierras. One does not play games with ladies from California. No? No. What were you doing today then? I was … being kind. That little maneuver on Geiger Point as well? All right, that was a mistake. Which you won’t make again? No. How will you stop? I won’t go home. I won’t see her.
“Here you are. A double Scotch.”
It was the same young man. Are you human company, random antidote to grief? Must I take you? A habit of will forced Ann to response.
“Thanks.”
She stood beside him, watching the roulette wheel spin. If it lands in black, I’ll say no. If it lands in black, I’ll go home. The wheel slowed. The ball swung slowly, round and round, dropped, bounced, dropped again into red.
“Have any money on it?”
“No money ,” Ann said, “no.”
Had she really tied the night to chance and lost? Of course not. Red or black, it didn’t matter. She would not see Evelyn. And if you look in a mirror? I’ll see myself. Will you? It doesn’t matter who I see. She’s in another time, on another earth.
“Where are you from?” Ann asked.
“Frisco.”
The City. Even here in Reno they called it the City, a promised land across the mountains, a promised sea, her earth. But that was years ago on a beach of cypress, sea sand, kelp. She’s a wish I’ve outgrown. An image. My mother. Myself. The wheel spun again. He put money on red. The ball swung round and round. A need I haven’t got. A need I mustn’t have. Evelyn is … herself. The ball swung slowly, dropped into black.
“Damn!”
“Everybody loses,” Ann said.
“Red again.”
He stacked chips on numbers too, watched, waited, won.
“That will buy the drinks,” he said. “Shall we try for more?”
“More?”
“Yes, more,” he said. “Let’s go all the way.”
All his simple way could not be far. Ann looked up, willing.
But in the morning, when she woke and
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