looking back, that was part of it. I didn’t
want to remember. The other part was that I was always told not to look back. Eyes
forward or you’ll trip and break your neck. Those words had been said to me
so many times over the years. I took them to heart and stopped looking at the
good that had been in my life.
The
only time I had, really, looked back in my life was after I left Az. I had
played over the life I had with him many times in my head. I wondered if I had
been selfish in not replaying any of the time with my Father. I guess when
there was little to no love lost, there wasn’t much to remember.
How
could I have been so blind? How was I supposed to stop the Shadow? I needed
help. I needed Anie. Kai. But most of all, I needed the other half of my heart
– I needed my best friend…I needed Az. I just had to figure out a way to get
him to show. He knew what I’d do when he’d show up: yell at him for
disappearing on me, try and squeeze him for information then – if I got
what I wanted – have amazing make-up sex. At least, that’s what I would have done had I not known what I know now. I wondered what Az knew. I wondered
where the look on his face had come from. Did he know more than I did?
I
hoped he was clueless. But knowing Az, he would never jump without looking
first. I questioned if the reason he had started dating me was because he knew
back then what I was going to become now. I mean, why not? The man I knew as my
Father was a Shadow. Why shouldn’t the man I would risk the only life I know
for, be a traitor?
My
whole world had been shaken to the core and I was now questioning everything in
my life, even the things I was absolutely sure of. Because I had been raised by
a Shadow, anything was possible. And that was terrifying.
How
could I be part Angel when my life had been nothing but a series of trips and
falls? I wasn’t anywhere near perfect like I imagined most Angels were. Except
for the crazy ass Angel that burned down my house, he had to be a little unstable.
I
guess I could be more Demon than Angel, then the whole thing with Az made more
sense. Maybe God did work in mysterious ways. Or maybe he was just as much of a
sadistic bastard as Mastema was.
I
lay in bed for a moment or two longer then jumped up to search for Anie. I
opened the door and found Anie holding up the wall.
“Are
you being paid to sit outside my door?” I said.
“Are
you always such a bitch?”
“These
days, yes.”
Overall
I had been a pretty hardcore bitch recently. She was right.
“Well,
it’s never too late to change.”
Anie
could be a real bitch too, but you always got glimpses of the good heart she
had. She would do anything for me, and I was thankful to have her in my life.
“You
know I love you right?”
Wow.
I couldn’t believe those words passed my lips, and without my permission
nonetheless. I mean I did love her, but it’s not something I wanted to throw
out there all the time.
She
had been a part of my family as much as Cade and his parents had been. I was
pissed at her but not really. I was trying to blame her for things she didn’t
know. She had no idea about Az and I. I couldn’t blame her or be mad. I
shouldn’t at least. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to ignore the truth of
that situation: It was my fault.
Anie
gave me her one eyebrow-raised look, which said: Did you really just say
that? I can’t wait to hold it over your head later . She didn’t need any
more ammunition. We had known each other long enough where she still held over
my head the time I peed my pants during training because she kicked me in the
bladder after I had just told her I really had to pee. I had been so pissed at
her that day. The Hunters had to restrain me and pull me off her, urine soaked
pants and all.
“Are
you feeling okay?” She said it jokingly but I knew there was an undertone of
seriousness. I wasn’t okay and I probably wasn’t going to be for a long
want to remember. The other part was that I was always told not to look back. Eyes
forward or you’ll trip and break your neck. Those words had been said to me
so many times over the years. I took them to heart and stopped looking at the
good that had been in my life.
The
only time I had, really, looked back in my life was after I left Az. I had
played over the life I had with him many times in my head. I wondered if I had
been selfish in not replaying any of the time with my Father. I guess when
there was little to no love lost, there wasn’t much to remember.
How
could I have been so blind? How was I supposed to stop the Shadow? I needed
help. I needed Anie. Kai. But most of all, I needed the other half of my heart
– I needed my best friend…I needed Az. I just had to figure out a way to get
him to show. He knew what I’d do when he’d show up: yell at him for
disappearing on me, try and squeeze him for information then – if I got
what I wanted – have amazing make-up sex. At least, that’s what I would have done had I not known what I know now. I wondered what Az knew. I wondered
where the look on his face had come from. Did he know more than I did?
I
hoped he was clueless. But knowing Az, he would never jump without looking
first. I questioned if the reason he had started dating me was because he knew
back then what I was going to become now. I mean, why not? The man I knew as my
Father was a Shadow. Why shouldn’t the man I would risk the only life I know
for, be a traitor?
My
whole world had been shaken to the core and I was now questioning everything in
my life, even the things I was absolutely sure of. Because I had been raised by
a Shadow, anything was possible. And that was terrifying.
How
could I be part Angel when my life had been nothing but a series of trips and
falls? I wasn’t anywhere near perfect like I imagined most Angels were. Except
for the crazy ass Angel that burned down my house, he had to be a little unstable.
I
guess I could be more Demon than Angel, then the whole thing with Az made more
sense. Maybe God did work in mysterious ways. Or maybe he was just as much of a
sadistic bastard as Mastema was.
I
lay in bed for a moment or two longer then jumped up to search for Anie. I
opened the door and found Anie holding up the wall.
“Are
you being paid to sit outside my door?” I said.
“Are
you always such a bitch?”
“These
days, yes.”
Overall
I had been a pretty hardcore bitch recently. She was right.
“Well,
it’s never too late to change.”
Anie
could be a real bitch too, but you always got glimpses of the good heart she
had. She would do anything for me, and I was thankful to have her in my life.
“You
know I love you right?”
Wow.
I couldn’t believe those words passed my lips, and without my permission
nonetheless. I mean I did love her, but it’s not something I wanted to throw
out there all the time.
She
had been a part of my family as much as Cade and his parents had been. I was
pissed at her but not really. I was trying to blame her for things she didn’t
know. She had no idea about Az and I. I couldn’t blame her or be mad. I
shouldn’t at least. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to ignore the truth of
that situation: It was my fault.
Anie
gave me her one eyebrow-raised look, which said: Did you really just say
that? I can’t wait to hold it over your head later . She didn’t need any
more ammunition. We had known each other long enough where she still held over
my head the time I peed my pants during training because she kicked me in the
bladder after I had just told her I really had to pee. I had been so pissed at
her that day. The Hunters had to restrain me and pull me off her, urine soaked
pants and all.
“Are
you feeling okay?” She said it jokingly but I knew there was an undertone of
seriousness. I wasn’t okay and I probably wasn’t going to be for a long
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