Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven by Chelsea M. Cameron Page B

was speaking in staccato bursts. Finally he took the phone away from his ear and sat down in one of the chairs, putting his head in his hands. Something was wrong.
    “I’m done,” I said tentatively.
    His head snapped up and it took him a second to recognize me. His eyes focused and he put a smile on his face that wasn’t genuine but just for my benefit.
    “How did it go?” He stood and I automatically walked into his arms. I pulled him close, wishing there was something I could do to fix him. To mend what was broken inside.
    But he’d have to do that. Ultimately, when we were broken, we had to fix ourselves. Others could help us along the way, inspire us, but we had to do the work.
    “Fine. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.” Maybe if I ate, he’d eat with me. He took my hand and I led him to the nearest café.
    “Everything okay?” I asked as we walked. He might be right here with me physically, but he wasn’t here with me mentally.
    I had to tug on his hand to get him to answer me.
    “Hey, come back to me,” I said softly. We stopped walking and I made him face me.
    “I saw you talking on the phone. What’s wrong?” He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.
    “Just . . . a phone call I didn’t want to get. That’s all. I’m fine.” He was always telling me that. Telling me not to worry, but that wasn’t how this worked. I cared for him, so worrying about him came with the territory. Even if I was just an acquaintance, I’d be worried.
    “Talk to me about it. You’ll feel better.”
    He gave me a grim smile. “Yeah, I’ve heard that line before.”
    I took a step back.
    “That isn’t a line, Fin. What is going on with you? One minute you’re in Germany and having a day of freedom, and the next you’re here and you look like hell and you’re still hiding things from me.” The words spilled out of me and made him tighten his jaw.
    “I can’t do this right now, Marisol,” he said, glancing around at the people who were walking to and from various destinations. Sure, it wasn’t the best place to have a private conversation, but all of these people seemed too wrapped up in their own lives to bother with ours.
    “Please?” I said. I didn’t know what I was saying please to, but I just . . . I needed this from him. I needed him to trust me, to be open with me. Not just about his deep dark secrets, but about everything.
    He got up and walked around the corner. I followed him, thinking that he was just choosing a more private place for us to talk.
    We ended up between two buildings in a dark and cramped space that was barely wide enough to fit both of us. It was pretty gross, too.
    “Fin?” I asked, feeling a little uneasy. He looked at me and . . . oh. Dark Fin was here. Quicker than I could snap my fingers, he’d shut down on me, going to the side that was in control. Self-preservation.
    I had deluded myself into thinking that he was ever going to completely open up to me. There was a war going on inside him and I could only stand and watch.
    “Put your arms above your head,” he commanded. What? I was momentarily confused. He’d never spoken to me this way outside of the bedroom before. I’d stupidly thought that part of him didn’t come outside during the day. But this was just as much a part of him as the dorky guy who bought me lilacs and talked about Tom Hanks.
    Slowly, I raised my hands above my head. I didn’t know exactly what he was going to do, but I had a feeling. Yes, we were in a disgusting and cramped space. But I couldn’t stop my heart from racing or my body from wanting him. It didn’t matter how I got him. I just wanted . . . him.
    So I obeyed his orders, knowing the whole time that all I had to do was say the safeword and this would be over. I wanted to see how far he’d go first. How far I’d let him go.
    “Turn around,” he commanded, and I did. His back pressed me up against the slightly damp bricks. They were cool, but my