Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage And/or Sex by Dave Barry Page A
Authors: Dave Barry
Tags: Humor, General, Family & Relationships, Social Science, Sociology, Self-Help, Health & Fitness, Mate selection, Essay/s, Marriage, Marriage & Family, Topic, Form, Dating (Social Customs), Relationships, Sexual Instruction, Sexuality, Comic Strips & Cartoons, entert_humor
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cannot have a successful relationship just by reading this book. For a relationship to succeed, both parties must be willing to work. Work, work, work, that’s the key. Endless, constant, extremely difficult, unpaid work. More work than is involved in the construction of major bridges and tunnels. I am getting very tired just thinking about it.
Also there will be hard times along the way. Awful times. Terrible, horrible times. That is why this book includes helpful advice such as in Chapter 3, where we talk about adding zip to your sex life via Saran Wrap and other common household products, and also how to recognize the warning signs that your spouse is having an affair, and what kind of gun you should buy.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First you have to meet somebody.
Chapter 1. How To Find Somebody To Go On Dates With And Eventually Get Married To Who Is Not A Total Jerk
In getting into the field of marriage, one very important decision you must make is who, exactly, will be your spouse. I am not saying this is the most important decision. It is certainly not as important as selecting the right wedding caterer (see Chapter 6, “How to Have a Perfect Wedding No Matter What”). But you should definitely give it some thought.
To know where to look for a marriage partner, you need to know what kind of person you want. For example, if you want to meet a person who likes to bowl, you would go to a bowling alley; whereas if you want to meet a person who is rich, sensitive, attractive, and intelligent, you would not. So your first step is to scientifically develop a “psychological profile” of your Ideal Mate.
How to Develop A Psychological Profile of Your Ideal Mate
Choose the phrase that you feel best completes the sentences below:
Wealth
The person I wish to have for a mate should be able to afford:
1. Scotland.
2. Occasional dinners out.
3. Underwear.
Sensitivity
The person I wish to have for a mate should be sensitive enough to:
1. Instantly be aware of my every mood.
2. Swerve to avoid driving over pedestrians.
3. Not deliberately back up and run over pedestrians a second time.
Personal Appearance
The person I wish to have for a mate should be attractive enough to:
1. Be a movie star.
2. Be a movie star’s accountant.
3. Be a movie star’s accountant’s intestinal parasite.
Intelligence
The person I wish to have for a mate should be smart enough to:
1. Discuss great works of literature.
2. Hold great works of literature right side up.
3. Differentiate between great works of literature and food.
HOW TO SCORE: Add up the numbers corresponding to your answers, then check the chart below.
1 through 8 Married to somebody else.
9 through 15 Engaged to somebody else.
16 in prison.
Okay! Now that you have a good idea of what you’re looking for, it’s time to get out and join ...
The Singles Scene
The Singles Scene is located in bars that are so dark and loud it’s impossible to see or hear anybody else. You can meet, fall in love, and get engaged without ever getting a clear view of the other person, which can lead to a situation where you arrive at your wedding, with all your friends and relatives, and you discover that you are betrothed to a cigarette machine. (Which actually may not seem like such a total disaster, once you find out what else is available on the Singles Scene.)
To avoid this kind of embarrassment, you should do what other smart singles do: Before you sit down, go around the room discreetly shining a police flashlight into the other singles’ faces. Once you have selected a likely looking one, you should sit down near this person and get into a spontaneous conversation.
How to Get into A Spontaneous Conversation
In the old days, the way people got into conversations was the woman would take a cigarette out of her purse and pretend to look for a match, which was the signal for six or seven available lurking men to lunge toward her, Zippos
Also there will be hard times along the way. Awful times. Terrible, horrible times. That is why this book includes helpful advice such as in Chapter 3, where we talk about adding zip to your sex life via Saran Wrap and other common household products, and also how to recognize the warning signs that your spouse is having an affair, and what kind of gun you should buy.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First you have to meet somebody.
Chapter 1. How To Find Somebody To Go On Dates With And Eventually Get Married To Who Is Not A Total Jerk
In getting into the field of marriage, one very important decision you must make is who, exactly, will be your spouse. I am not saying this is the most important decision. It is certainly not as important as selecting the right wedding caterer (see Chapter 6, “How to Have a Perfect Wedding No Matter What”). But you should definitely give it some thought.
To know where to look for a marriage partner, you need to know what kind of person you want. For example, if you want to meet a person who likes to bowl, you would go to a bowling alley; whereas if you want to meet a person who is rich, sensitive, attractive, and intelligent, you would not. So your first step is to scientifically develop a “psychological profile” of your Ideal Mate.
How to Develop A Psychological Profile of Your Ideal Mate
Choose the phrase that you feel best completes the sentences below:
Wealth
The person I wish to have for a mate should be able to afford:
1. Scotland.
2. Occasional dinners out.
3. Underwear.
Sensitivity
The person I wish to have for a mate should be sensitive enough to:
1. Instantly be aware of my every mood.
2. Swerve to avoid driving over pedestrians.
3. Not deliberately back up and run over pedestrians a second time.
Personal Appearance
The person I wish to have for a mate should be attractive enough to:
1. Be a movie star.
2. Be a movie star’s accountant.
3. Be a movie star’s accountant’s intestinal parasite.
Intelligence
The person I wish to have for a mate should be smart enough to:
1. Discuss great works of literature.
2. Hold great works of literature right side up.
3. Differentiate between great works of literature and food.
HOW TO SCORE: Add up the numbers corresponding to your answers, then check the chart below.
1 through 8 Married to somebody else.
9 through 15 Engaged to somebody else.
16 in prison.
Okay! Now that you have a good idea of what you’re looking for, it’s time to get out and join ...
The Singles Scene
The Singles Scene is located in bars that are so dark and loud it’s impossible to see or hear anybody else. You can meet, fall in love, and get engaged without ever getting a clear view of the other person, which can lead to a situation where you arrive at your wedding, with all your friends and relatives, and you discover that you are betrothed to a cigarette machine. (Which actually may not seem like such a total disaster, once you find out what else is available on the Singles Scene.)
To avoid this kind of embarrassment, you should do what other smart singles do: Before you sit down, go around the room discreetly shining a police flashlight into the other singles’ faces. Once you have selected a likely looking one, you should sit down near this person and get into a spontaneous conversation.
How to Get into A Spontaneous Conversation
In the old days, the way people got into conversations was the woman would take a cigarette out of her purse and pretend to look for a match, which was the signal for six or seven available lurking men to lunge toward her, Zippos
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