wasn’t too much of a stretch to think she may have been coming from there. I told Ivy and Fitz about Amaryllis Apatite’s disappearance and shared my worry that the events were somehow related. Unlike Sasha, they didn’t belittle my concerns.
“You should tell Waldron,” Fitz said. I’d nearly forgotten that Fitz had grown up on the Seknecai estate. Of course he would be on a first name basis with our dean of demon affairs. I nodded and swallowed, getting suddenly quiet. Fitz and Ivy were too. I think they sensed my no-show at dinner was related to something important. And they were waiting for me to tell them what it was and where I’d been.
I cleared my throat. “Speaking of Seknecus… I have to tell you something.”
Luck, why was it so hard?
I’d just declared to all of Halja. It shouldn’t matter what Ivy and Fitz thought of me. My whole life I’d been a loner. I’d had some Hyrke friends at Gaillard, but those friendships had been surface only. No one had ever known who I really was. There was Peter. But our friendship was always strained by the fact that his mother hated me. It was only fear of my father that dissuaded Mrs. Aster from revealing my secret or publicly showing her antagonism toward me. So, here I was. Ready to tell the two people I’d spent almost every hour of every day with for the past four weeks, that I wasn’t really who I said I was. That I was really the product of some odd Host birth defect.
“Actually, I just got back from Seknecus’ office. I… ah… put my name on the list outside his office door.”
“You mean ‘The List’—the one for Maegesters?” Fitz asked, totally confused. “Why would you do that?”
I bit my lip and felt my cheeks flush. My magic never heated up though. It stayed coiled inside me in a tight, little, easy to control ball. I wasn’t mad at Ivy and Fitz after all. Iwas afraid of them. Afraid of their judgment, or worse, their pity.
“Because my name belongs on The List,” I said.
“I don’t understand,” said Fitz. “You have to have magic to become a Maegester. And don’t you have to be a man?”
I sighed. “Yeah. That’s how it usually works.”
“Noon, what are you saying?” Ivy said. “That you’ve got magic and it’s waning, not waxing? How’s that possible?”
I made a hopeless gesture. All I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and go to sleep. Pretend this day never happened. Wake up tomorrow and realize this whole day had been a nightmare.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “I don’t get it any more than you do. But I was born with waning magic and my brother, Night, was born with waxing magic. I don’t know why. I only know that’s how it is.”
I remembered Ari’s words on the first day of the semester when he’d told me he knew.
Why do you waste one second on what might have been? What is, is.
Well, what was
now
, was that I was just about to lose the only two friends I had here. I realized that I should have told them the truth from the beginning. They still might have thought I was a freak, but at least they wouldn’t think I was a freak
and
a liar.
“You’re going to be a…
Maegester
?” Ivy asked, clearly horrified.
The three of us stared at each other for another minute or so without speaking and then I blurted out, “I’m sorry.”
Fitz still looked confused. “For what?” he said.
“For not telling you the truth in the first place.”
Ivy nodded, looking miserable.
“Look, I just… well… I just wouldn’t want you to think I’d burn the place down or something.” I was trying to make a joke, but the problem was, with my lack of control, there was an outside chance I might.
“Wow. You really could, huh?” Fitz asked, looking at me, really seeing me—
me
—for the first time. It was weird, but not as bad as I thought. I could tell he viewed me with amixture of awe and morbid curiosity. “What else can you do? How powerful are you? Who else knows? I guess everyone
“You should tell Waldron,” Fitz said. I’d nearly forgotten that Fitz had grown up on the Seknecai estate. Of course he would be on a first name basis with our dean of demon affairs. I nodded and swallowed, getting suddenly quiet. Fitz and Ivy were too. I think they sensed my no-show at dinner was related to something important. And they were waiting for me to tell them what it was and where I’d been.
I cleared my throat. “Speaking of Seknecus… I have to tell you something.”
Luck, why was it so hard?
I’d just declared to all of Halja. It shouldn’t matter what Ivy and Fitz thought of me. My whole life I’d been a loner. I’d had some Hyrke friends at Gaillard, but those friendships had been surface only. No one had ever known who I really was. There was Peter. But our friendship was always strained by the fact that his mother hated me. It was only fear of my father that dissuaded Mrs. Aster from revealing my secret or publicly showing her antagonism toward me. So, here I was. Ready to tell the two people I’d spent almost every hour of every day with for the past four weeks, that I wasn’t really who I said I was. That I was really the product of some odd Host birth defect.
“Actually, I just got back from Seknecus’ office. I… ah… put my name on the list outside his office door.”
“You mean ‘The List’—the one for Maegesters?” Fitz asked, totally confused. “Why would you do that?”
I bit my lip and felt my cheeks flush. My magic never heated up though. It stayed coiled inside me in a tight, little, easy to control ball. I wasn’t mad at Ivy and Fitz after all. Iwas afraid of them. Afraid of their judgment, or worse, their pity.
“Because my name belongs on The List,” I said.
“I don’t understand,” said Fitz. “You have to have magic to become a Maegester. And don’t you have to be a man?”
I sighed. “Yeah. That’s how it usually works.”
“Noon, what are you saying?” Ivy said. “That you’ve got magic and it’s waning, not waxing? How’s that possible?”
I made a hopeless gesture. All I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and go to sleep. Pretend this day never happened. Wake up tomorrow and realize this whole day had been a nightmare.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “I don’t get it any more than you do. But I was born with waning magic and my brother, Night, was born with waxing magic. I don’t know why. I only know that’s how it is.”
I remembered Ari’s words on the first day of the semester when he’d told me he knew.
Why do you waste one second on what might have been? What is, is.
Well, what was
now
, was that I was just about to lose the only two friends I had here. I realized that I should have told them the truth from the beginning. They still might have thought I was a freak, but at least they wouldn’t think I was a freak
and
a liar.
“You’re going to be a…
Maegester
?” Ivy asked, clearly horrified.
The three of us stared at each other for another minute or so without speaking and then I blurted out, “I’m sorry.”
Fitz still looked confused. “For what?” he said.
“For not telling you the truth in the first place.”
Ivy nodded, looking miserable.
“Look, I just… well… I just wouldn’t want you to think I’d burn the place down or something.” I was trying to make a joke, but the problem was, with my lack of control, there was an outside chance I might.
“Wow. You really could, huh?” Fitz asked, looking at me, really seeing me—
me
—for the first time. It was weird, but not as bad as I thought. I could tell he viewed me with amixture of awe and morbid curiosity. “What else can you do? How powerful are you? Who else knows? I guess everyone
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