Dancing Lessons by Olive Senior Page B

question him further.
    I was flooded with guilt. I had never before left the children for so long and I hadn’t prepared them for my absence. I silently cursed myself, wondering why I couldn’t be thankful for what I had, instead of setting off on foolish quests. I inhaled the baby’s sour smell and hugged her to me so tightly she started to scream.
    I was suddenly overwhelmed by it all, by my hunger, my tiredness, my frustration, the smell of urine and damp, the eerie shadows cast over that dark little house by the one oil lamp that was lit. I felt as if I had seen a possibility of light but then had been dragged back down into a kind of darkness, and for once, and I swear it was only that one time, I was glad that someone had escaped it.
    With the baby still in my arms I sank onto my bed. The two other little ones crept into the bed too and curled up tightly against me, their hot, sweaty little bodies stuck like glue. I eased my shoes off and stretched out with my back against the headboard, unable to stop my tears falling, thankful they were too young to understand.

24
    I WAS MISTAKEN AS usual, wasn’t I? Many years later when Shirley was grown up and angry with me about something, she brought it up, the whole business of my going off. This was just before she left for New York, and her behaviour was getting as erratic as Junior’s had been. Shirley had gone from placid to flying off the handle for no reason, saying anything that came into her head, no matter how hurtful. This from the child who had been the most loving and thoughtful of all of them.
    â€œShe’s the only one you cared about,” she flung at me. “‘Celia this’ and ‘Celia that.’ That is all we ever heard. Nobody else mattered to you. Not even Pops.”
    â€œBut—”
    â€œMama, don’t say a word! You know it’s true. You could never accept the fact that you gave Celia away.”
    â€œWha—?”
    â€œNo, let me finish. Celia was like a little ghost haunting you, haunting me, all of us. She left a hole in my heart too, you know. My sisi! How could she have left me? But after a while I got used to it, pleased that it was just the three of us now, Junior and Lise and me. Celia was some big girl who came to visit and was fun when she was there, but I no longer ached to have her back when she left. And it would have been all right if you had left it alone. But no, you couldn’t help holding her up as a shining star to us. Every day of our lives. It was ‘Celia this’ and ‘Celia that’—”
    Shirley was crying now. Tears were running down her face, but she made no attempt to wipe them. I was torn between stopping her outrageous accusations and comforting her.
    â€œCelia could do no wrong while the rest of us could do nothing to please you. You have no idea how sick of Celia I was.”
    â€œBut you loved Celia. You idolized her!”
    â€œWell, I did when we were little. Then I couldn’t stand her. I hated her. I wanted her to die. Then you’d care about me.”
    Shirley stopped talking and opened and closed her mouth abruptly, shocked at what she’d said. But it also stopped her crying. She took the handkerchief I handed her and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. Then she sat on the bed, looking so sad while I just stood there, unable to move or say anything, my mind all stirred up. Then she sort of roused herself and got up and looked in the mirror and started to turn her head this way and that. At the time she wore her hair in a very short and curly Afro, and she had just had it cut. I knew she was trying to gain time. When she spoke again it was in a much quieter, thoughtful voice.
    â€œI’m glad I’ve got to know Celia now we’re older. Otherwise I would have gone through life hating her. She’s my best buddy now. But how do you think I felt, all of us felt, when we were growing up to have everything we did