but it was her house, so I needed to be led by her.
As the door swung inwards, she stopped dead—hardly breathing.
My whole body quivered. This house gave me the creeps before, but now, with the baby’s own mother with me, I wasn’t sure if I could even step through the door.
“Lydia?” I said, eventually.
She glanced at me and nodded, reaching for my hand.
“You can do this. It’s just a house.” I sounded convincing, even to my own ears.
“It’s just a house,” she repeated.
“That’s right. Let’s get it over with before Lee arrives, remember?”
Lydia turned to face the road for a second, then braced herself and walked inside.
I gulped, suddenly feeling sick, and followed.
Lydia stood in the kitchen doorway, glancing around. Then, she picked up an electricity bill that was leaning against the wall by the phone. Shaking her head, she put it back.
I didn’t know what to do, so I opted to do nothing for now.
In the dining room, she stopped, leaning against the back of one of the chairs. “I don’t think I can do this, after all.”
“Really? You’ve come so far already. If you give up now you’ll never find the strength to do it.”
“I know you’re right. Will you come upstairs with me?”
“Of course I will.”
She held out her hand and I took it, gripping it tight. “It’s just a house,” I said again.
She nodded, then began climbing the stairs.
I braced myself for a meltdown, but she showed no real emotion when she reached the bathroom. She walked inside and put down the lid of the toilet before sitting on it.
She looked at me. “It’s just a house.” She stroked her fingertips along the rim of the bath.
I don’t know what was going through her mind, but the thought of the little man taking his last breath in that very bath almost killed me. If I closed my eyes for long enough, I could see him floating, and I never even knew him, so goodness knows what she could see. However, whatever it was, she didn’t let on.
She didn’t speak—neither of us did, and twenty minutes must have passed before Lydia finally got to her feet.
“I thought that once I came back I would somehow remember. But I don’t. I honestly don’t remember a thing after leaving him in his cot while I went for a lie down.” With her words came the tears.
“I know you don’t. Come here.” I pulled her into my arms and she allowed herself to sob.
“I had several dreams in prison. I dreamed I saw him, chuckling and splashing in the bubbles. I remember him biting the rubber fish he loved so much.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, the vodka?” She stiffened, a strange goran coming from her as she bent double. “He was my life, why would I...?” She sobbed.
I cried too. The tragic reality was too much to bear. This beautiful soul had lost the most precious thing in the world to her, and she only had herself to blame.
“So you think maybe you do remember?”
She shrugged. “I want to remember. At least then I could try to forget. I know that sounds stupid, but until I remember, I’ll never believe it. I bathed him every single night, and so the memory of him in the bubbles is a real one, but I don’t know if it’s from the day he died.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I would be exactly the same.”
“I knew you’d understand, Geri. You’re a good person, you know?”
She stepped away from me and continued to Joseph’s room. As she opened the door she gasped, then stepped back, bumping into me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, moving out of the way.
“I fully expected Joseph’s things to be the way I left them. I didn’t think Lee was strong enough to box it all up.”
“He wasn’t. James and I did it. I hope we did the right thing?”
“You did, thanks. This is the room I dreaded the most. The last time I saw him alive, he was chuckling away to himself in his cot.” Her voice cracked halfway through her sentence.
“That’s why we thought it
As the door swung inwards, she stopped dead—hardly breathing.
My whole body quivered. This house gave me the creeps before, but now, with the baby’s own mother with me, I wasn’t sure if I could even step through the door.
“Lydia?” I said, eventually.
She glanced at me and nodded, reaching for my hand.
“You can do this. It’s just a house.” I sounded convincing, even to my own ears.
“It’s just a house,” she repeated.
“That’s right. Let’s get it over with before Lee arrives, remember?”
Lydia turned to face the road for a second, then braced herself and walked inside.
I gulped, suddenly feeling sick, and followed.
Lydia stood in the kitchen doorway, glancing around. Then, she picked up an electricity bill that was leaning against the wall by the phone. Shaking her head, she put it back.
I didn’t know what to do, so I opted to do nothing for now.
In the dining room, she stopped, leaning against the back of one of the chairs. “I don’t think I can do this, after all.”
“Really? You’ve come so far already. If you give up now you’ll never find the strength to do it.”
“I know you’re right. Will you come upstairs with me?”
“Of course I will.”
She held out her hand and I took it, gripping it tight. “It’s just a house,” I said again.
She nodded, then began climbing the stairs.
I braced myself for a meltdown, but she showed no real emotion when she reached the bathroom. She walked inside and put down the lid of the toilet before sitting on it.
She looked at me. “It’s just a house.” She stroked her fingertips along the rim of the bath.
I don’t know what was going through her mind, but the thought of the little man taking his last breath in that very bath almost killed me. If I closed my eyes for long enough, I could see him floating, and I never even knew him, so goodness knows what she could see. However, whatever it was, she didn’t let on.
She didn’t speak—neither of us did, and twenty minutes must have passed before Lydia finally got to her feet.
“I thought that once I came back I would somehow remember. But I don’t. I honestly don’t remember a thing after leaving him in his cot while I went for a lie down.” With her words came the tears.
“I know you don’t. Come here.” I pulled her into my arms and she allowed herself to sob.
“I had several dreams in prison. I dreamed I saw him, chuckling and splashing in the bubbles. I remember him biting the rubber fish he loved so much.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, the vodka?” She stiffened, a strange goran coming from her as she bent double. “He was my life, why would I...?” She sobbed.
I cried too. The tragic reality was too much to bear. This beautiful soul had lost the most precious thing in the world to her, and she only had herself to blame.
“So you think maybe you do remember?”
She shrugged. “I want to remember. At least then I could try to forget. I know that sounds stupid, but until I remember, I’ll never believe it. I bathed him every single night, and so the memory of him in the bubbles is a real one, but I don’t know if it’s from the day he died.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I would be exactly the same.”
“I knew you’d understand, Geri. You’re a good person, you know?”
She stepped away from me and continued to Joseph’s room. As she opened the door she gasped, then stepped back, bumping into me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, moving out of the way.
“I fully expected Joseph’s things to be the way I left them. I didn’t think Lee was strong enough to box it all up.”
“He wasn’t. James and I did it. I hope we did the right thing?”
“You did, thanks. This is the room I dreaded the most. The last time I saw him alive, he was chuckling away to himself in his cot.” Her voice cracked halfway through her sentence.
“That’s why we thought it
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