stairs carrying Sebastian she imagined throwing him to the bottom? Or, if not Sebastian, herself. What would the doctor think of her if she admitted to something that horrible?
âNo.â
âGood, thatâs a good sign. Try the antidepressants and join a mothersâ group. Iâm sure youâll notice an improvement soon.â
Catriona wanted to rush from the room and leave Sebastian behind, but instead she smiled at the doctor, thanked her, and manoeuvred the pram through the door and down the hallway. As she drove home she planned the conversation she would have with James so he believed her when she said she had things under control.
7
CATRIONA
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
T he hospital where Catriona had given birth to Sebastian gave her the contact details of a local mothersâ group, and when she called, a woman named Rochelle told her they were all meeting at a nearby park later that month. She sounded pleasant on the phone, so Catriona decided to go along, even if it was just to prove to James and her doctor that mothersâ groups were nothing more than an uncomfortable gathering of women who had little in common beyond the fact they had recently had a baby.
At least it gave Catriona a reason to leave the house. She hadnât gone outside in days. She was convinced the antidepressants the doctor had prescribed were causing hallucinations. The person she thought she had seen walking towards the nursery the day James found her wasnât a one-off. It was now a daily occurrence, sometimes even two or three times a day. At first she went hurrying after the person, determined to find someone, but she never did. She knew James didnât see them. They usually appeared when he was at work, but once a figure had lingered on the stairs while James was tying up his sneakers by the front door, preparing to go for a run.
âLook over there!â Catriona called out, holding Sebastian in one arm and gesturing towards the stairs with the other. The person on the stairs waited patiently, an elbow resting on the banister, their face a blur of features so that Catriona couldnât tell whether they were male or female.
Jamesâs gaze followed the direction of Catrionaâs pointed finger. âWhat? What am I looking at?â
Catriona watched him take in the stairs, the landing, the hallway that led to the bottom step. His expression didnât change.
âNothing,â she said, turning her back. âI thought I saw a mouse.â
After a while, it stopped feeling strange to share a house with people James couldnât see. She grew used to their presence but became increasingly agitated about not understanding why they were there. Sometimes they spoke to her, but despite how much she strained to hear them, their voices were always too quiet for her to understand what they were saying. Then a few days before the mothersâ group meeting, the voices started to grow louder, and clearer. They whispered to her that she was a bad mother, that James was scheming to take Sebastian away from her. She turned the television volume up high and stuffed plugs into her ears to silence their voices, but she couldnât block them out. They were trapped inside her mind.
On the Thursday the mothersâ group was due to meet Catriona spent more than an hour doing her hair and make-up, something she hadnât done since Sebastian was born. She didnât want the other mothers to think she wasnât capable of looking after both herself and her baby.
The park was empty except for a group of women and prams taking up a long wooden table. Catrionaâs heart started to race but she forced herself to smile and walk towards the group.
âYou must be Catriona.â This came from an attractive woman wearing a pink jumper that matched the one worn by the baby lying in a pram next to her.
âYes. Hi.â
âIâm Rochelle, we spoke on the phone.â Rochelle craned her
âNo.â
âGood, thatâs a good sign. Try the antidepressants and join a mothersâ group. Iâm sure youâll notice an improvement soon.â
Catriona wanted to rush from the room and leave Sebastian behind, but instead she smiled at the doctor, thanked her, and manoeuvred the pram through the door and down the hallway. As she drove home she planned the conversation she would have with James so he believed her when she said she had things under control.
7
CATRIONA
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
T he hospital where Catriona had given birth to Sebastian gave her the contact details of a local mothersâ group, and when she called, a woman named Rochelle told her they were all meeting at a nearby park later that month. She sounded pleasant on the phone, so Catriona decided to go along, even if it was just to prove to James and her doctor that mothersâ groups were nothing more than an uncomfortable gathering of women who had little in common beyond the fact they had recently had a baby.
At least it gave Catriona a reason to leave the house. She hadnât gone outside in days. She was convinced the antidepressants the doctor had prescribed were causing hallucinations. The person she thought she had seen walking towards the nursery the day James found her wasnât a one-off. It was now a daily occurrence, sometimes even two or three times a day. At first she went hurrying after the person, determined to find someone, but she never did. She knew James didnât see them. They usually appeared when he was at work, but once a figure had lingered on the stairs while James was tying up his sneakers by the front door, preparing to go for a run.
âLook over there!â Catriona called out, holding Sebastian in one arm and gesturing towards the stairs with the other. The person on the stairs waited patiently, an elbow resting on the banister, their face a blur of features so that Catriona couldnât tell whether they were male or female.
Jamesâs gaze followed the direction of Catrionaâs pointed finger. âWhat? What am I looking at?â
Catriona watched him take in the stairs, the landing, the hallway that led to the bottom step. His expression didnât change.
âNothing,â she said, turning her back. âI thought I saw a mouse.â
After a while, it stopped feeling strange to share a house with people James couldnât see. She grew used to their presence but became increasingly agitated about not understanding why they were there. Sometimes they spoke to her, but despite how much she strained to hear them, their voices were always too quiet for her to understand what they were saying. Then a few days before the mothersâ group meeting, the voices started to grow louder, and clearer. They whispered to her that she was a bad mother, that James was scheming to take Sebastian away from her. She turned the television volume up high and stuffed plugs into her ears to silence their voices, but she couldnât block them out. They were trapped inside her mind.
On the Thursday the mothersâ group was due to meet Catriona spent more than an hour doing her hair and make-up, something she hadnât done since Sebastian was born. She didnât want the other mothers to think she wasnât capable of looking after both herself and her baby.
The park was empty except for a group of women and prams taking up a long wooden table. Catrionaâs heart started to race but she forced herself to smile and walk towards the group.
âYou must be Catriona.â This came from an attractive woman wearing a pink jumper that matched the one worn by the baby lying in a pram next to her.
âYes. Hi.â
âIâm Rochelle, we spoke on the phone.â Rochelle craned her
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