Chomp by Carl Hiaasen Page B

the saw grass flattening ahead of him as he trudges forward.
    DEREK’S VOICE (surprised and hushed):
Whoa! What was that?
    CUT BACK TO MEDIUM SHOT OF DEREK, as still as a statue. He’s peering with great intensity into the brown, shin-deep water.
    DEREK (whispering):
I just felt something slither between my ankles! It was either an eel or a snake, hopefully not a poisonous one. The Everglades is literally crawling with deadly cottonmouth moccasins. One bite, even from a baby, and I could be a dead man
.
    Ah! There it goes again!
    Derek drops to his knees with a splash. He stabs both arms into the murky water, probing and groping until …
    DEREK:
Gotcha!!!
    He pops to his feet, holding up a very confused, very angry _____.
    DEREK:
Crikey, what a feisty little bugger
.
    CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF THE _____, writhing and snapping.
    DEREK:
I’m afraid it’s not your lucky day, mate
.
    Dangling the _____, he turns to look into the camera.
    DEREK (triumphantly):
Dinner!
    CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF DEREK, turning a shoulder to the camera as he twists the neck of the _____, killing it instantly.
    He coils its limp body and places it in a pocket of his cargo pants. Then he resumes his journey.
    DEREK (somberly):
I get no pleasure from taking the life of any wild creature, but if I don’t eat, I won’t have the strength to keep going. When you’re in a desperate survival situation, you must do whatever it takes to stay alive
.
    Hovering above, the helicopter-mounted CAMERA pulls back its focus until once again Derek is a speck on the savanna, which unfolds in all directions as far as the eye can see. He is completely alone.…
    Wahoo slapped the script closed. “I can’t show this to Pop. He’ll go ballistic.”
    Tuna looked bothered. “What kind of animal is the blankety-blank supposed to be?”
    “Whatever’s handy. A snake, a frog, a turtle—you’ve seen the show. Derek always fries up
something
.”
    They were hunkered by the dwindling campfire and using the flashlight for reading. Mickey Cray snored in his tent.
    “I watch his show every week,” said Tuna, “and I never knew the whole thing was written out beforehand. I thought all that stuff just, you know, happened.”
    Wahoo had to remind himself that most people had no idea how nature programs were produced. Lots of time and money were spent making every animal encounter appear spontaneous and real, even though the scenes were carefully planned in advance.
    “Derek’s probably piggin’ out on a big juicy steak at the hotel tonight,” Tuna said morosely.
    “And a humongous slice of Key lime pie.”
    “Then why does the script say he’s gotta go kill a blankety-blank for food?”
    “Because,” Wahoo said, “that’s one of the things he’s famous for.”
    Tuna planted her chin in her hands. “All those times on TV when he swallowed some little mouse or salamander, I thought he was really starving. Am I stupid or what?”
    “You’re not stupid. They don’t exactly advertise what goes on behind the scenes.”
    Wahoo stood up to stretch. He was still stuffed from their modest camp dinner of hot dogs, black beans and rolls. For dessert Mickey had handed out Chips Ahoy cookies.
    Tuna said, “Your old man’s not gonna go along with this scam, is he? Trap some poor old snake or toad just so Derek can cook it up on the show?”
    “Not Pop. No way.”
    “Good!”
    “It’s late. I’m going to bed,” Wahoo said.
    “I might stay up and read some more.”
    “Are you sure you want to?”
    Tuna nodded. Her brown eyes were bright and intent in the amber glow of the fire.
    He handed her the flashlight and the script. “Remember, it’s just show business.”
    “Not to me,” she said.
    When Derek Badger became agitated, he sometimes misplaced his fake Australian accent.
    “You call this a lobster?” he snarled at the attendant who delivered his dinner to the hotel room. “I’ve eaten bloody
shrimp
that were bigger!”
    The man mumbled an apology, covered the