Cheating on Myself by Erin Downing Page A

do things differently. “How…?” I could hear Lily’s and Anders’ voices ringing in my ears, but then I also thought about Pippa and Heidi and Cat—and even Laurel. Things would change between all of us, eventually. They were Erik’s family, and I was just an outsider. I couldn’t help but yearn for everything I’d given up. I could hang on to all of them for a while without Erik, but probably not forever. Erik was my link to family , the only family I’d had in recent memory, and leaving him meant leaving it all. “I have to go,” I said and turned back toward the office before I said something stupid.
    I wasn’t a stupid woman. But faced with the offer of comfortable companionship of my ex-boyfriend, I suddenly felt like I had the capacity to be very, very foolish indeed.
     

 
     
    CHAPTER SEVEN
     
    Lily’s annual Halloween party was always held on the Saturday night closest to Halloween. Various people from work, college-remnant-friends, and a few people from her church gathered in Lily’s gorgeous downtown loft for an amazing party and far too many drinks.
    This year, without Erik, I was planning to get pleasantly drunk and crash in Lily’s spare bedroom. Erik and I had always come to the party a little late, mingled for a short while, then left before things got out of hand. This year, I was going to be the person who got out of hand. I deserved to get sloppy drunk. I’d missed that phase of my twenties, and there was no time like the present to make up for lost time.
    To prepare for my night of drunken debauchery, Anders and I did a couple of shots together while we got ready for the party, then jumped in the cab we’d called to take us downtown. I was excited to show off my costume—since I didn’t have to coordinate my costume with Erik, I finally got to try something new.
    I knew I didn’t want to dress in anything slutty. The year before, Lily had worn a sexy cat costume and her boob accidentally slipped out when she tried to do a somersault late in the night. I don’t know why she was trying to do a somersault anyway (Erik and I had already gone home), but I knew her biggest regret was that she was wearing a costume that had failed her in the late-night hours. I had no control over what I might do after all the drinks I planned to have, so I wanted a costume that was full-coverage.
    Lily opened the door when we got there and stared, horrified, at my costume. “You’re trying to meet men and you chose that for Halloween?” She was dressed as Stripper Nurse or something equally tasteless. “Are you a scarecrow?”
    “I’m one of the Dog Hounds,” I said proudly. “Joe.”
    “You look like a dude. An ugly dude.”
    “I love it.” I was proud of the overalls I’d found at Goodwill, and thought I looked kinda cute in my cowboy hat. I’d ratted my hair into a poofy ball and slapped the hat right over the top. It was a good costume. Clever, I thought. Most of the men who would be at the party were either gay or married, so it wasn’t like I was worried about scaring off all the single men at the party with my sex-less costume. “We brought vodka,” I said, thrusting a bottle toward Lily.
    “It’s half empty,” she said, leading me inside the apartment. “Did you guys drink this?”
    “I’m a good influence,” Anders said, laughing, then set off in search of other people he knew.
    “Is Chad here?” I asked Lily, looking around her apartment. Her loft was open-plan, the kind of space where the kitchen, dining room, and living room all blended into one. She’d painted the walls varying shades of gray, and had hired a fancy decorator to come in and infuse the place with pops of color. All of Lily’s furniture was from Room & Board, and much of the apartment was set up so it looked exactly like the Room & Board showrooms. It was mid-century modern with a romantic twist. Lily always had bunches of fresh flowers scattered around the room, creating a softness that her