There was a man driving, and he looked delighted too, and I was way ahead of Dev here, so made sure I was in the middle of a large gulp of lager as Pamela got in, leaned over, and kissed the man, her hand stroking the back of his head.
‘Oh, come on!’ said Dev, and I winced, and nodded my sympathies. ‘Oh, come
on!
’
And then I got a call. And I was asked how I was, and I moved away from Dev and I told her, and I mentioned Gary had been by, and she said she knew, and she said sorry about that, and I said it was fine, no problem, and then she said we needed to talk, and could we meet up, because this would be better face-to-face, and just to show how busy I am these days I churlishly said no let’s just talk now, and so we talked, and I listened, and she told me why she’d rung today.
And the clouds may as well have darkened and the rain begun to fall, because the sky came crashing to the ground.
SEVEN
Or ‘A Lot of Changes Coming’
Look, it was good news.
Technically, it was good news.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she’d said.
She hadn’t known how to tell me, apparently, especially after what had happened, but it was true, and she was delighted.
She’d had her twelve-week scan. They’d gone away to celebrate. He’d proposed. They’d told their friends. It was terrifically grown-up.
‘I’d rather have told you face-to-face,’ she’d said, and I’d said something back, which was positive, and encouraging, but which I can’t for the life of me remember, because all of I could think of was, What do I do now?
And now I knew what Gary’s pause had meant.
‘I suppose you could say it was a
pregnant
pause!’ said Dev, and then I stared at him, and he stopped laughing and sipped at his pint.
Because it wasn’t just a pause about Sarah. It was a pause that summed up me and him. A pause in which he’d managed to convey the fact he had special knowledge, knowledge he could choose to hit me with if he wanted, but that he wouldn’t, because he’s too decent, too trustworthy, too honest, but that
he
still
wins
.
We were back in the Den, next to the van rental place, and we were sombre.
So that’s it, then. That’s that period of my life over. Properly over. Sarah’s going to be a mum. And I’ll always just be the ex-boyfriend. Then one day just ‘an’ ex-boyfriend. Then one day, sooner than you’d think, I’d be nothing at all.
And yeah, I know it sounds like I’m hung up on her, and yeah, I know you’ve amassed enough evidence to prove it – for Christ’s sake I’ve even written it down for you – but this is something else, this. This isn’t about her. It’s not my past. It’s about my future. Because when one person moves on so quickly, and all the other one really has is what
was
, thinking about what
will
be is difficult.
Maybe I should feel relieved. I’m out of limbo. I’m somewhere, rather than who-knows-where. The decision has been made for me: ‘Jason & Sarah’ can never work again; they’ll absolutely, undeniably never share a letterhead – and now I don’t have to worry anymore.
But that’s just it, isn’t it? The fact that my happiness is so reliant on other people’s whims and fancies.
I need to stop being decided for. I need to start
deciding
.
‘We need to do something,’ said Dev, tapping his finger on the bar to show he was serious. ‘Get away. We are men disturbed by women. You, with your now engaged-and-pregnant ex-girlfriend that you’re
totally
over, and me with my Polish wife-to-be kissing another man in London’s only-remaining Vauxhall Viva.’
He looked me in the eye, very seriously.
‘What are your thoughts on EuroDisney?’ he said.
‘I am not going to EuroDisney with you.’
‘Come on. We could go to EuroDisney. You and me.’
‘I am
not
going to EuroDisney with you.’
‘We could treat it like some kind of perverse stag weekend.’
‘You’re asking me to go on a perverse weekend to EuroDisney with you?’
‘I just mean we
‘Oh, come on!’ said Dev, and I winced, and nodded my sympathies. ‘Oh, come
on!
’
And then I got a call. And I was asked how I was, and I moved away from Dev and I told her, and I mentioned Gary had been by, and she said she knew, and she said sorry about that, and I said it was fine, no problem, and then she said we needed to talk, and could we meet up, because this would be better face-to-face, and just to show how busy I am these days I churlishly said no let’s just talk now, and so we talked, and I listened, and she told me why she’d rung today.
And the clouds may as well have darkened and the rain begun to fall, because the sky came crashing to the ground.
SEVEN
Or ‘A Lot of Changes Coming’
Look, it was good news.
Technically, it was good news.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she’d said.
She hadn’t known how to tell me, apparently, especially after what had happened, but it was true, and she was delighted.
She’d had her twelve-week scan. They’d gone away to celebrate. He’d proposed. They’d told their friends. It was terrifically grown-up.
‘I’d rather have told you face-to-face,’ she’d said, and I’d said something back, which was positive, and encouraging, but which I can’t for the life of me remember, because all of I could think of was, What do I do now?
And now I knew what Gary’s pause had meant.
‘I suppose you could say it was a
pregnant
pause!’ said Dev, and then I stared at him, and he stopped laughing and sipped at his pint.
Because it wasn’t just a pause about Sarah. It was a pause that summed up me and him. A pause in which he’d managed to convey the fact he had special knowledge, knowledge he could choose to hit me with if he wanted, but that he wouldn’t, because he’s too decent, too trustworthy, too honest, but that
he
still
wins
.
We were back in the Den, next to the van rental place, and we were sombre.
So that’s it, then. That’s that period of my life over. Properly over. Sarah’s going to be a mum. And I’ll always just be the ex-boyfriend. Then one day just ‘an’ ex-boyfriend. Then one day, sooner than you’d think, I’d be nothing at all.
And yeah, I know it sounds like I’m hung up on her, and yeah, I know you’ve amassed enough evidence to prove it – for Christ’s sake I’ve even written it down for you – but this is something else, this. This isn’t about her. It’s not my past. It’s about my future. Because when one person moves on so quickly, and all the other one really has is what
was
, thinking about what
will
be is difficult.
Maybe I should feel relieved. I’m out of limbo. I’m somewhere, rather than who-knows-where. The decision has been made for me: ‘Jason & Sarah’ can never work again; they’ll absolutely, undeniably never share a letterhead – and now I don’t have to worry anymore.
But that’s just it, isn’t it? The fact that my happiness is so reliant on other people’s whims and fancies.
I need to stop being decided for. I need to start
deciding
.
‘We need to do something,’ said Dev, tapping his finger on the bar to show he was serious. ‘Get away. We are men disturbed by women. You, with your now engaged-and-pregnant ex-girlfriend that you’re
totally
over, and me with my Polish wife-to-be kissing another man in London’s only-remaining Vauxhall Viva.’
He looked me in the eye, very seriously.
‘What are your thoughts on EuroDisney?’ he said.
‘I am not going to EuroDisney with you.’
‘Come on. We could go to EuroDisney. You and me.’
‘I am
not
going to EuroDisney with you.’
‘We could treat it like some kind of perverse stag weekend.’
‘You’re asking me to go on a perverse weekend to EuroDisney with you?’
‘I just mean we
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