Chaos by Alexis Noelle Page B

getting involved with a brother would be like betraying her, so I tried to date normal guys. I tried to find a guy that had a good family and nice job like she said, and I hated them all. Every inch of me is a part of this life and I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I’ve had nightmares that I die on the back of a bike the way she and my dad did, and I can hear her saying that she tried to warn me.”
    Tears start to fall from my eyes.
    I miss my parents so much.
    “I know that if your mom saw that none of those guys made you happy she wouldn’t have wanted you to force it. I’m sure now all she wants for you is to be happy.” His voice is softer and I nod as I let his words sink in knowing that they’re true.
    “Was that all you wanted to know?” A hopeful part of me wishes that he’ll say yes, but knows that he won’t.
    His throat clears. “I know that there’s a lot you aren’t saying about what happened that night. You told us all the bare minimum that night with Lucy. I can feel it standing between us. Sometimes I’ll catch a flash in your eyes and I know that you’re remembering and it kills me. If the fucker wasn’t already dead, I’d drain the last breath from him myself.”
    I pace needing to move if I’m going to be able to talk about the devil who haunts my nightmares. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I would ever be okay. I know a lot of you just thought I was a moody teenager. I spent every single day in my room with the door locked, hiding in the shower. I was convinced he would get out early, that he would come back for me. I couldn’t let a man touch me and for the longest time I teared up anytime one looked at me in that way. I tried to have sex with one guy I was dating a few months ago and I went home and cried for hours after. Anytime I was in close contact with a guy I would panic. He made sure that he marked me in every way he could that night. He had drilled it into my head that brotherhood would trump any loyalty that was held to me. That it would be my word against his and he would win.” Tears start to fall and I hate that he can still pull these emotions from me after all this time.
    “When he came back and Lucy said that he had hit on her, it made me physically sick. I knew he wouldn’t care that she was Whip’s old lady. You guys were all in church though and we couldn’t get to you, then he caught up to her and everything exploded.” My hand runs through my hair. “I think the best day of my life was when Shooter confirmed that he had been killed. It meant that even though I couldn’t get rid of him in my head I didn’t have to worry about him coming back for me. I hated that he put fear between me and the people I cared about.”
    I turn to face Torch. “I pushed you away for all those years out of fear. My fears because of what Viper did to my body and mind. My fear of betraying my mother and disappointing her. I lived my life for everyone but me all those years. The day I said yes to you was the first time I actually did something for me.”
    I walk closer to him unable to tear my eyes away from the man who spent years waiting for me. There were plenty of respectable girls interested in Torch. Girls who would have made good old ladies. He turned them all away. “Why did you wait for me?”
    His hands cup my face. “Because I knew that when you finally let me in, let me have you, that it would be the most mind blowing thing I’ve ever experienced. I knew that you were meant for me, you just weren’t ready to see it yet. You needed time and I knew that you would be worth the wait.” His lips brush my jawline. “I was right, Trace. You were worth every minute of it.”
    I crush my lips to his needing to feel him against me. I need him to understand how much I care about him. I pull myself tight against him. We pull apart and I rest my head in the crook of his neck.
    “God, I love you.” I sigh.
    The both of us freeze at my admission.
    I didn’t mean