Change of Heart by Sally Mandel Page B

showing him her immaculate nails. “See? All gone.”
    Brian sighed and snatched the clipping from her. He muttered, “If it weren’t so self-defeating, I’d take my own heart out and give it to you.”
    â€œI’m not noble, Brian. I won’t have a transplant, not even for you. I don’t want to prolong my life one second if it means living with somebody else’s heart inside me.”
    â€œWhy not?”
    â€œIt’s … against nature, that’s why not.”
    â€œAh, a fundamentalist. What about kidney transplants? Spleens? Pacemakers? Or let’s get back to teeth for a minute. I know for a fact that you have one tooth …”
    She interrupted him angrily. “It’s irrational, all right? Upper plates and hearts are not the same thing.”
    He shook his head in exasperation, and she said quietly, “Listen, Brian, we’ve had enough memories to last a lifetime, easily. A long lifetime. Let’s leave it at that.”
    â€œStick with me a couple more months and make up your mind then. We’ll have a whole other bunch of memories.”
    â€œYou’ll have a bunch of memories. I’ll be six feet under.”
    â€œI’m not going to let you die.”
    His tenacity was beginning to wear her down, and she burst out in frustration, “You’re a closet necrophiliac, that’s what you are.”
    â€œI don’t think that’s very funny.”
    She glanced at the guard, who was staring at them resentfully. Then she looked into Brian’s stubborn face. Okay, she thought, I am not convincing this man. Brutality is the only way.
    â€œIf I see you anymore, I will die.” Brian started to interrupt, but she went on coldly, willing her eyes to stay dry. “You may not believe that, but I do. It may seem amazing that I would rather live another few months without you than expire next week in your loving arms, but it’s a fact.”
    He was watching her very carefully, trying to look past her expressionless eyes. She saw him searching, asking himself if he believed her. She dug deep into the lifetime supply of self-control, the place where she found the will to sustain her through hours of grueling pain. I will make it through the next couple of seconds, she vowed to herself, and then he will go away and I can have a good cry.
    She stared at him, calm, with just the right touch of compassion in her voice. “Believe it, Brian.”
    He nodded slowly. She kissed him once, putting her cheek next to his for a moment, grateful that he couldn’t see the misery flooding her face. Then she got up with her eyes averted and walked quickly away from him.

Chapter 15
    She had lived two whole weeks without seeing him. She marveled at the vast stretch of a minute, how the second hand on her watch crawled along like an overweight turtle, laboriously, ponderously, excruciatingly slow.
    She had felt crushed at first, and the time went faster then. At least the anguish was interesting, and she spent long hours in bed wiping her nose and replaying the memories of her times with Brian. She thought and talked to herself and contemplated swallowing the whole contents of a bottle of Valium that sat temptingly near her bed. But Margaret must have anticipated that possibility and made off with all of her drugs, henceforth dispensing them personally.
    Sharlie’s conversations with herself seemed to follow a particular pattern, beginning with the concept that perhaps she should continue the relationship. But she always ended up in the same place, just as Walter did. And as she examined her feelings, she began to suspect that something else was operating here, simultaneous with her fierce impulse to protect Brian. She realized that she had never truly believed in a future for them. Even introducing him to her family at Pietro’s, she could not imagine a permanent life with Brian. Maybe it was because she had long ago learned