someone be that calculating
at eighteen? Yet the woman's confidence in herself had been
rewarded. Here she was, her life tricked out with the material
trappings of success at an age when many of her contemporaries were
still slacking. Tess knew now she had seized on the issue of
"Mary Browne's" age with such glee
because she couldn't bear to think that someone just a few
years older than herself, someone born without wealth or privilege,
could accomplish so much. But Susan-Jackie had tripped over her own age
only because that was the one part of her masquerade she
hadn't thought out. An uncharacteristic slip, most likely.
"So why did you come to me? Are
you worried your daughter is going to show up on your doorstep? Do you
want to launch some kind of preemptive strike, make sure it's
impossible to find you? It can probably be done, but I specialize in
finding people, not hiding them."
"I don't want to hide.
I'm not ashamed of my past." Well, well, well.
Jackie had a temper, one she couldn't quite control. Hands
shaking, she took several long, steady sips from her water glass. When
she spoke, she was in control again, her voice steady and smooth.
"As I told you, my mother died
within the past year. We had gotten to the point where we had some
contact, but I was little more than a human bank machine to her.
She'd call to complain about some crisis in her life,
I'd send her some money. Once she was gone, I waited to feel
bereft. Instead, I felt haunted, as if someone were following me. I
found myself blowing off appointments, driving around Pigtown and
looking at the young girls there. I kept thinking, Are
you out there? What became of you? Do you hate me ?"
"Your daughter was put up for
adoption, probably with some nice middle-class family. She'd
have to be an awful ingrate to hate the woman who made it possible for
her to have a better life."
"I wish I knew that.
She'll be thirteen this summer. I wasn't much older
when I met her father. Five years later, she was inside me."
Tess wondered what it was like to be
pregnant. She knew only what it was like to fear it, to worry
obsessively over failed contraception, to count the days in the
calendar over and over again, calculating ovulation and wondering if
maybe, just maybe, the pharmaceutical companies of America had let her
down. Nothing was 100 percent effective. Then again, what if you
couldn't have a baby? What if you spent all this time and
money and worry preventing something that would never happen? Could you
get a rebate?
"Do you want to be part of your
daughter's life again? Because that's not something
I'd be party to. I believe your parents are the people who
rear you."
"No, absolutely not. I just want
to see her, know she's okay. What could I be to her, anyway?
I'm a little young to be a mother figure, too old to be a
friend. I'll put my name in the state registry and when she
turns eighteen, she can find me there if she wants. For now, if I could
just see her, even from a distance, and know that it all paid off,
I'd be happy. Blood tells. I made so many mistakes when I was
younger. I just want to know she isn't making the same
ones."
Another lost child, Tess thought, and this
one doesn't even have a name. She couldn't imagine
where to start.
"Will you do it? Will you help me
find my baby?" Jackie had dropped her detached, professional
tone. Her voice was urgent, almost pleading.
"I don't know. What
you're asking is pretty hard. Truthfully, I
wouldn't even know where to begin."
"There's this Adoption
Rights group that meets in Columbia every other week. We could go there
first, learn some strategies."
"It's not just the
‘how' part that bothers me. After all, I could give
it my best shot, earn some money without worrying I was bleeding you
dry. I'm still not sure I want to work for you."
"Why?"
"Because you tricked me, you
jerked me around. Okay, you got burned by some other detectives. But
there were other ways to figure out I'm legitimate. I
can't
at eighteen? Yet the woman's confidence in herself had been
rewarded. Here she was, her life tricked out with the material
trappings of success at an age when many of her contemporaries were
still slacking. Tess knew now she had seized on the issue of
"Mary Browne's" age with such glee
because she couldn't bear to think that someone just a few
years older than herself, someone born without wealth or privilege,
could accomplish so much. But Susan-Jackie had tripped over her own age
only because that was the one part of her masquerade she
hadn't thought out. An uncharacteristic slip, most likely.
"So why did you come to me? Are
you worried your daughter is going to show up on your doorstep? Do you
want to launch some kind of preemptive strike, make sure it's
impossible to find you? It can probably be done, but I specialize in
finding people, not hiding them."
"I don't want to hide.
I'm not ashamed of my past." Well, well, well.
Jackie had a temper, one she couldn't quite control. Hands
shaking, she took several long, steady sips from her water glass. When
she spoke, she was in control again, her voice steady and smooth.
"As I told you, my mother died
within the past year. We had gotten to the point where we had some
contact, but I was little more than a human bank machine to her.
She'd call to complain about some crisis in her life,
I'd send her some money. Once she was gone, I waited to feel
bereft. Instead, I felt haunted, as if someone were following me. I
found myself blowing off appointments, driving around Pigtown and
looking at the young girls there. I kept thinking, Are
you out there? What became of you? Do you hate me ?"
"Your daughter was put up for
adoption, probably with some nice middle-class family. She'd
have to be an awful ingrate to hate the woman who made it possible for
her to have a better life."
"I wish I knew that.
She'll be thirteen this summer. I wasn't much older
when I met her father. Five years later, she was inside me."
Tess wondered what it was like to be
pregnant. She knew only what it was like to fear it, to worry
obsessively over failed contraception, to count the days in the
calendar over and over again, calculating ovulation and wondering if
maybe, just maybe, the pharmaceutical companies of America had let her
down. Nothing was 100 percent effective. Then again, what if you
couldn't have a baby? What if you spent all this time and
money and worry preventing something that would never happen? Could you
get a rebate?
"Do you want to be part of your
daughter's life again? Because that's not something
I'd be party to. I believe your parents are the people who
rear you."
"No, absolutely not. I just want
to see her, know she's okay. What could I be to her, anyway?
I'm a little young to be a mother figure, too old to be a
friend. I'll put my name in the state registry and when she
turns eighteen, she can find me there if she wants. For now, if I could
just see her, even from a distance, and know that it all paid off,
I'd be happy. Blood tells. I made so many mistakes when I was
younger. I just want to know she isn't making the same
ones."
Another lost child, Tess thought, and this
one doesn't even have a name. She couldn't imagine
where to start.
"Will you do it? Will you help me
find my baby?" Jackie had dropped her detached, professional
tone. Her voice was urgent, almost pleading.
"I don't know. What
you're asking is pretty hard. Truthfully, I
wouldn't even know where to begin."
"There's this Adoption
Rights group that meets in Columbia every other week. We could go there
first, learn some strategies."
"It's not just the
‘how' part that bothers me. After all, I could give
it my best shot, earn some money without worrying I was bleeding you
dry. I'm still not sure I want to work for you."
"Why?"
"Because you tricked me, you
jerked me around. Okay, you got burned by some other detectives. But
there were other ways to figure out I'm legitimate. I
can't
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