Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody)

Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) by Michelle Hartz Page A

Book: Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) by Michelle Hartz Read Free Book Online
Authors: Michelle Hartz
Tags: Humor, Zombies
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lectured me on their
requirement that the boy I’m dating must be the one to pick me up.
“Don’t you understand?” I said. “Melissa is my date.”
    I didn’t get to go out that night. Eventually, I
had male friends pick me up from church when possible, and then
drop me off at my girlfriend’s house. I moved out the day after I
graduated high school, then went to college as far away as I
could.
    Eventually, I had to come back home. That April,
my mother had a heart attack and ended up in intensive care. She
recovered just in time for Easter, and I was of course expected to
attend church and Christmas dinner with them.
    In my borrowed dress, I followed them into the
church and slid into the pew. They gossiped with other
parishioners, and I gave my polite greetings when introduced.
Meanwhile, I looked around.
    Over in the back corner sat a gorgeous woman
with dishwater blond hair and eyes so blue I could see them across
the church. She must have felt me staring, because she looked in my
direction and waved. I sheepishly waved back. She smiled largely
before putting her hands back in her lap. At that point, I noticed
something... off. Her hand was missing some skin, and her lips
seemed worn somehow. That’s when I realized she was a zombie.
    I should have been put off, in a church of all
places, but instead I was intrigued. During the sermon, my eyes
kept wandering over to her, and she kept meeting my gaze. When the
pastor preached about Jesus rising from the grave, I looked over to
her, and she gave a wink. I was in love.
    After the sermon, everyone filed out into the
lobby and continued with their conversations and gossip. As soon as
I had decided to break away and find the woman, I felt a tap on my
shoulder. She smiled that big, wonderful smile again and said,
“Hello, my name is Clarissa.”
    I extended my hand and said, “It’s a pleasure to
meet you. I’m Sue.”
    “The pleasure is all mine,” she replied. “Excuse
the cliché, but what is a girl like you doing in a place like
this?”
    I blushed in spite of myself. “Do I look that
out of my element?” She nodded. “What about you. You seem to be..
alone here.”
    “Why don’t we go for a walk?” she suggested. I
followed her outside, and we strolled around the manicured lawn. “I
never used to go to church unless my family dragged me along. And
then the accident happened.”
    She pulled up her sleeve. Whereas the rest of
her looked healthy, here the skin was dark and greenish. A long,
slim wound slashed up the length of her forearm. It still seeped
blood and puss. She had obviously tried to take her own life. A
gasp escaped my lips before I could stop myself.
    “It looks pretty gruesome, sorry. Usually I
cover it up, but I leave it open on Sundays to remind myself.” She
looked down at the ground, obviously ashamed. “I succeeded. But
Pastor Brown saved me, in multiple ways. He gave me a chance at
another life. He gave me faith.”
    We walked in silence for a couple minutes. “Many
days, it’s still hard. It’s very lonely. Most of the congregation
is averse to talking to me. It was nice to see a new, friendly
face, especially when it’s as lovely as yours.” She stopped, and we
stood face to face. Her eyes were so entrancing. I wondered if they
were as beautiful a blue before she died. “Will you come back next
week?”
    “That depends,” I said. “Can I sit with
you?”
    “Of course!” she said with a delighted laugh in
her voice.
    “Perhaps we could go out to dinner sometime
before then?” I heard the words come out of my mouth before I
thought them. That was good, because otherwise I would have been
too intimidated to have said them.
    “You mean as a date?” she asked. I blushed
again, but before I could reply, she said, “Because that’s the only
way I’ll accept.”
    Then she kissed me, and her kiss was so soft and
sweet. It was a quick kiss, but I was dazed by it. “I should get
back to my family,” I stuttered.

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