got off or had her meet him there,” he words came out practically in a growl.
“Things happen as they should, we don’t always understand it.” That was something her mother always told her.
“But, why Derek?”
“Why so many others.” She was now crying as she’d done that day at the hospital staring at the screen in the waiting room, as everyone else around the world did in shock.
“Then why not me?” His hold slackened but he still kept her close. “I was supposed to fly jump seat that day on Flight 93, but another pilot got sick so I took an earlier flight out to cover his route.”
They moved back towards the eatery and sat down at one of the outside tables. It was then that she noticed the water at the corner of his eyes trying to fall but he held it at bay.
“It wasn’t your time.” Across the table, she grabbed one of his hands and held it in her own.
“My father wishes it had been, even told me so when I had to be the one to go home and tell him. I was Derek’s emergency contact for the military. My dad had no clue until I came home three days later.” His thumb brushed the back of her hand.
She had never felt so out of her zone as she did at that moment. She knew that this family had scars that ran deep but she’d never understood the magnitude. “What did you do?”
“Gave my thirty day notice at work and joined the military. I just wanted to give my dad his real son back. I went in enlisted as security forces and eventually got into special ops. I saw things I can never erase from my mind, but none of it surpassed knowing what I did to my brother.”
Lifting his hand up to her mouth she kissed the back of it. “You didn’t do anything to him. Nor can you live his life for him.”
“I know. I tried. Then I became angry because I hated every minute of it. Even though I knew my father was finally proud of me. When I’d come home, he’d look at me with the same loving gaze in his eyes that was only reserved for Derek. But, I couldn’t do it. As I neared my halfway point I knew I had two choices, get out or stay. I’d been miserable for long enough and I just wanted to be happy.”
This time when he looked at her, she saw a different emotion other than grief but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Your dad will either have to learn to live with it or he won’t. However, for what it’s worth I think you made the right decision.”
He nodded, she didn’t know if that meant that he agreed with what she said or that he was still wrestling with it in his mind.
“So, how does a man deal with so much built up emotion and degradation.”
“I felt close to losing my mind.” He exhaled and rose; pulling her along with him. “Maybe one day I’ll tell you. Right now, let’s get some hot cocoa and finish this walk before the zoo closes.”
“I will hold you too that.”
* * *
The week passed and Christmas grew closer as she and Evan fell into a routine. They kept their relationship to porch side discussion and late night movies while she was at the house. When their off day coincided they spent it at her apartment, making love, going on dates and enjoying getting to know each other. She knew Mr. Douglas, her patient, was not happy about it, but neither she nor Evan allowed it to dampen their mood.
Deciding since she was going to be spending Christmas day with Evan and James that the house needed decorating for the holiday. One day she searched the garage and located a box with holiday lights and a fake tree that had seen better days. Most of the bulbs were cracked or missing and the tree limbs were dusky and badly bent. Instead she found a company that delivered a fresh one and got that one ordered and up. Mr. Douglas even allowed her to play Christmas music during his therapy sessions, he said that it drown out the pain Lily put him through.
Her only concern was that even though his health was improving Mr. Douglas still refused
“Things happen as they should, we don’t always understand it.” That was something her mother always told her.
“But, why Derek?”
“Why so many others.” She was now crying as she’d done that day at the hospital staring at the screen in the waiting room, as everyone else around the world did in shock.
“Then why not me?” His hold slackened but he still kept her close. “I was supposed to fly jump seat that day on Flight 93, but another pilot got sick so I took an earlier flight out to cover his route.”
They moved back towards the eatery and sat down at one of the outside tables. It was then that she noticed the water at the corner of his eyes trying to fall but he held it at bay.
“It wasn’t your time.” Across the table, she grabbed one of his hands and held it in her own.
“My father wishes it had been, even told me so when I had to be the one to go home and tell him. I was Derek’s emergency contact for the military. My dad had no clue until I came home three days later.” His thumb brushed the back of her hand.
She had never felt so out of her zone as she did at that moment. She knew that this family had scars that ran deep but she’d never understood the magnitude. “What did you do?”
“Gave my thirty day notice at work and joined the military. I just wanted to give my dad his real son back. I went in enlisted as security forces and eventually got into special ops. I saw things I can never erase from my mind, but none of it surpassed knowing what I did to my brother.”
Lifting his hand up to her mouth she kissed the back of it. “You didn’t do anything to him. Nor can you live his life for him.”
“I know. I tried. Then I became angry because I hated every minute of it. Even though I knew my father was finally proud of me. When I’d come home, he’d look at me with the same loving gaze in his eyes that was only reserved for Derek. But, I couldn’t do it. As I neared my halfway point I knew I had two choices, get out or stay. I’d been miserable for long enough and I just wanted to be happy.”
This time when he looked at her, she saw a different emotion other than grief but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Your dad will either have to learn to live with it or he won’t. However, for what it’s worth I think you made the right decision.”
He nodded, she didn’t know if that meant that he agreed with what she said or that he was still wrestling with it in his mind.
“So, how does a man deal with so much built up emotion and degradation.”
“I felt close to losing my mind.” He exhaled and rose; pulling her along with him. “Maybe one day I’ll tell you. Right now, let’s get some hot cocoa and finish this walk before the zoo closes.”
“I will hold you too that.”
* * *
The week passed and Christmas grew closer as she and Evan fell into a routine. They kept their relationship to porch side discussion and late night movies while she was at the house. When their off day coincided they spent it at her apartment, making love, going on dates and enjoying getting to know each other. She knew Mr. Douglas, her patient, was not happy about it, but neither she nor Evan allowed it to dampen their mood.
Deciding since she was going to be spending Christmas day with Evan and James that the house needed decorating for the holiday. One day she searched the garage and located a box with holiday lights and a fake tree that had seen better days. Most of the bulbs were cracked or missing and the tree limbs were dusky and badly bent. Instead she found a company that delivered a fresh one and got that one ordered and up. Mr. Douglas even allowed her to play Christmas music during his therapy sessions, he said that it drown out the pain Lily put him through.
Her only concern was that even though his health was improving Mr. Douglas still refused
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