Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk by Bonnie Kaye Page A

the most during these difficult days.
    ENLARGING THE CLOSET
    I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness,” and they need to understand why.
    It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:
    “Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”
    Then comes the next part:
    “I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”
    Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”
    The answer that comes:
    “People won’t understand.”
    And then I ask the question that hurts so much:
    “Do you think they’ll blame you?”
    Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.
    “Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”
    And then I ask the question:
    “Do you feel in any way that you’re responsible?”
    Then I get the answer that makes me wince:
    “Not really.”
    “Well, sometimes.”
    “Not usually.”
    In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.
    This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?
    Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.
    Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.
    I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.
    What do I mean? I mean that society will