Bone and Blood by Margo Gorman Page B

didn’t fall in the street. At first I thought that because the war wasn’t anything to do with me, it couldn’t touch me. It’s great to be young and foolish. I had no idea how quickly that would be taken from me. By the time that I might have been glad to go home, it was too late.’
    â€˜So after it was over, why didn’t you go home then?’
    â€˜I stayed then because Katharina belonged here. In Ireland they had no time for unwed mothers. I didn’t want to give Katharina up for adoption. After the hell I went through, Katharina was all I had left. She was my reason for living.’ Brigitte paused, ‘And now that I have lost her, I have no more reason for living. Katharina hated that. She hated to know that I had to struggle for her when I would rather have died. Maybe that’s why she died before me so that I could die in peace now. And what if this is all there is? No-one has ever come back to tell us that there is something more, something better. So what was the point in any of it?’
    The matter-of-fact way Brigitte talked about death was out of sync with Gran.
    â€˜Don’t you believe in God and in heaven?’
    â€˜If there is a God with power to change things then he must be cruel. I’d just as soon go back to hell again.’
    It felt odd for this gran-like person to be coming out with heresy, ‘Well at least Katharina had a good long life. It’s not like she died young.’
    â€˜I suppose sixty seems old to you but she was my child and I could never think of her as old.’
    â€˜So what did Katharina do before… ?’ Aisling couldn’t say the words ‘she died’ but she refused to say ‘passed away. Brigitte didn’t deserve euphemisms.
    Brigitte didn’t need her to fill in the blank, ‘She did what she always did all her life – reading, studying, writing – even after she left work because of the illness, she kept it up. She taught at the University. They paid her for doing what she loved most. She used to laugh and say that one day they would catch her out and she would be out on her ear. A good job with a pension that she didn’t live to see. “Mama, you’ll get my pension if I die before you, you know. At least you won’t be short of money.” I laughed then at the thought of my daughter dying before me. She said that before she told me about the first lump. What do I want with her money when I hope that I won’t be long after her?’
    Aisling sat silent. She wished she’d put on the light when she came in. The streetlights and the open window were deathly. She couldn’t disagree. What was there now for this old woman to live for? For a moment she had some sympathy for the way that her own mother had clung to her since Michael died. For a moment she forgave Michael for topping himself. He was the sensitive one. It was like he felt everything for everybody not just himself. There were times she thought him stupid or even selfish for taking it all onto himself but maybe he couldn’t stop himself.
    â€˜I will have some Schnaps,’ the aunt announced into the silence.
    Aisling leapt up to put on the light before rooting in the sideboard that stretched along one wall. ‘Would whiskey do?’ She pulled out a bottle of Jameson’s
    â€˜Yes, Katharina got it last Christmas for me.’
    Time for a change of topic. She had spotted an ancient record player in the cupboard and a collection of vinyls – antique or what? ‘Can I put on some music?’
    â€œFlesh and Blood”.Johhny Cash was top of the pile. It took the aunt on another beautiful Berlin trip. Coffee and cake with Katharina on the Spree. Look now at this calendar, Katharina got me – photos of old Berlin before they bombed it to bits. The joy of Museum island still there, to see the Reichstag being built again, to feel Friedrichstraße back to life again and remember