It was better to get this over with quickly so he could leave Antonio in peace. He’d get it off his chest before he said his goodbyes and crawled back under his rock with whatever pathetic shred of dignity he still possessed. “I got arrested in Paris for public indecency a few years back. Promised my agent I wouldn’t tarnish the Cary Redding name. I mean,” he added as if it somehow justified his actions, at least in part, “he has a family to feed, and I need to pay the bills. So I created an alter ego. Someone I didn’t give a shit about and who nobody else would either.”
“You figured I’d ask questions,” Antonio said, “that I’d make judgments about you.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
“ I wouldn’t. Not everyone is like that, Cary.”
Oh, how he loved to hear that name—his real name—on Antonio’s lips. If only I hadn’t botched this whole thing so entirely….
“When you introduced yourself, I figured I’d never see you again. It just seemed easier. I mean, a guy like me. Why would you even look twice? But I had no idea….”
That I’d end up liking you , he finished silently. That I’d want to get to know you better.
“Well,” he added, “that’s about all there is to tell.” He stood up to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”
“Did I say that?”
“You didn’t have to say it,” Cary said with resignation. “I just want you to know I’m really sorry about being such a fucked-up—”
His words were cut short by Antonio’s lips on his.
Oh, good God , he thought as Antonio wrapped his arms around him. It was so overwhelming: the way Antonio smelled, the hard body against his own, the acceptance he felt in that moment.
“You….” Cary gasped as the kiss broke. “You’re not pissed with me? After all I’ve done?”
“Yeah, I’m pissed.”
Cary could see the anger now, where before he had been too inwardly focused to notice. “Then why… I mean… why did you do that? These past four weeks, you kept pushing me away.”
Antonio took a deep breath. “As much as my brain tells me to run away from you as fast as I can,” he said, “I just can’t seem to help myself. I want you. More than that. I want to know you —Cary Redding. Without the bullshit. Without the lies.”
“You don’t want to know me, Antonio. What I… do.”
“I figured it out.”
Cary looked everywhere but at Antonio. He knew?
“No. You don’t know. You can’t, really. Because anything you’ve heard—it’s a hundred times worse. I… I can’t help myself. This… us… you don’t want this. You can’t want this. Someone like me. A….” The word slut danced on Cary’s tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
That’s what you are, isn’t it?
“I didn’t want Connor Taylor. I wanted you , Cary. The real Cary Redding.”
“But—”
“I like you, Cary. How you live for your music. How you are around Massi. How you look at things like a child sometimes. How you seem so lost. I….” Antonio hesitated for the first time that evening. “I want to show you the way.”
“I lied to you. For almost a month. I told you I was something— someone I wasn’t.”
“You also showed me what’s inside of Cary. You pretended it wasn’t you, but I know it was.”
Cary said nothing. He was too stunned to speak.
“I am angry. I don’t like being lied to. And if you lie to me again….”
“I won’t,” Cary whispered. “I promise.” He meant it too.
“I never wanted Connor Taylor,” Antonio repeated. “Besides, you were trying too hard.”
“I wasn’t try—”
“Kiss me, Cary. And, how do you say it in English? ‘Cut the crap’?”
Cary should have had a smart comeback—he usually did—but how could he possibly resist the one thing he’d been obsessing over for the last few weeks? He did the only reasonable thing he could: he did exactly as he was told.
Antonio parted his lips to allow him entry, then
“You figured I’d ask questions,” Antonio said, “that I’d make judgments about you.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
“ I wouldn’t. Not everyone is like that, Cary.”
Oh, how he loved to hear that name—his real name—on Antonio’s lips. If only I hadn’t botched this whole thing so entirely….
“When you introduced yourself, I figured I’d never see you again. It just seemed easier. I mean, a guy like me. Why would you even look twice? But I had no idea….”
That I’d end up liking you , he finished silently. That I’d want to get to know you better.
“Well,” he added, “that’s about all there is to tell.” He stood up to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”
“Did I say that?”
“You didn’t have to say it,” Cary said with resignation. “I just want you to know I’m really sorry about being such a fucked-up—”
His words were cut short by Antonio’s lips on his.
Oh, good God , he thought as Antonio wrapped his arms around him. It was so overwhelming: the way Antonio smelled, the hard body against his own, the acceptance he felt in that moment.
“You….” Cary gasped as the kiss broke. “You’re not pissed with me? After all I’ve done?”
“Yeah, I’m pissed.”
Cary could see the anger now, where before he had been too inwardly focused to notice. “Then why… I mean… why did you do that? These past four weeks, you kept pushing me away.”
Antonio took a deep breath. “As much as my brain tells me to run away from you as fast as I can,” he said, “I just can’t seem to help myself. I want you. More than that. I want to know you —Cary Redding. Without the bullshit. Without the lies.”
“You don’t want to know me, Antonio. What I… do.”
“I figured it out.”
Cary looked everywhere but at Antonio. He knew?
“No. You don’t know. You can’t, really. Because anything you’ve heard—it’s a hundred times worse. I… I can’t help myself. This… us… you don’t want this. You can’t want this. Someone like me. A….” The word slut danced on Cary’s tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
That’s what you are, isn’t it?
“I didn’t want Connor Taylor. I wanted you , Cary. The real Cary Redding.”
“But—”
“I like you, Cary. How you live for your music. How you are around Massi. How you look at things like a child sometimes. How you seem so lost. I….” Antonio hesitated for the first time that evening. “I want to show you the way.”
“I lied to you. For almost a month. I told you I was something— someone I wasn’t.”
“You also showed me what’s inside of Cary. You pretended it wasn’t you, but I know it was.”
Cary said nothing. He was too stunned to speak.
“I am angry. I don’t like being lied to. And if you lie to me again….”
“I won’t,” Cary whispered. “I promise.” He meant it too.
“I never wanted Connor Taylor,” Antonio repeated. “Besides, you were trying too hard.”
“I wasn’t try—”
“Kiss me, Cary. And, how do you say it in English? ‘Cut the crap’?”
Cary should have had a smart comeback—he usually did—but how could he possibly resist the one thing he’d been obsessing over for the last few weeks? He did the only reasonable thing he could: he did exactly as he was told.
Antonio parted his lips to allow him entry, then
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