image staring back at him. Milton, however, was unrecognizable to himself. The surreal sight of Jonah was like watching someone else’s out-of-body experience. He tugged straight his tube top, his reflection doing the same a split second later. Milton was his own puppet—a grossly overweight marionette of meat that was slowly digesting its master. Milton sighed (with Jonah sighing shortly thereafter) as he and Virgil parted the curtain of hanging chains and hooks and stepped into the Gymnauseum.
Beyond the entryway of red-and-black-checkered foam mats was a huge two-story-high open warehouse space filled with rows of peculiar machines. The gray metal contraptions were splayed open, their twin doors like the petals of sinister brushed-steel flowers. Tuckedinside each one was an industrial-sized metal hamster wheel.
Demons in white laboratory smocks paced a second-story walkway edging the wall above the Gymnauseum floor. They scrutinized the open area below and scribbled observations on their clipboards. A short man dressed completely in white bounded up a flight of stairs to the walkway. He gripped the banister and smiled down at the children forced to assemble before him.
“Well, well,” he clucked as he took in the sheer mass of Blimpo’s student body. “And we’re all about getting well here, in my Fatness to Fitness Center!”
His eyes—twinkling with a merry madness—settled on Milton and Virgil, who were still lingering in the Gymnauseum entryway.
“Hurry, my boys,” he said with crisp, manic exuberance. “This is the only place where haste
doesn’t
make waist!”
Milton and Virgil trudged across the foam mats to be further savaged by bad puns and good cheer, no doubt. The mats hissed beneath their feet before slowly refilling the jumbo-sized indentations left by the two boys.
“Remember,” Milton reminded his kind-yet-often-naive friend, “I’m Jonah. Got it?”
Virgil nodded. “Yep, I got it. Jonah, like the minorHebrew prophet who was called by God to preach in Nineveh but—after disobeying and attempting to escape by sea—was thrown overboard in a storm as a bringer of bad luck and then swallowed up by a giant fish.”
Milton stared at his friend, his Pang mouth gaping like a mackerel on the deck of a fishing troller.
“Yeah,” Milton replied. “Something like that.”
“Gym dandy!” the man in white declared with a clap of his hands. “As many of you know, I am Dr. Kellogg, your health education teacher.”
“Kellogg?” Milton whispered to Virgil. “As in cornflakes?”
“Yep.” Virgil nodded. “And his cereal isn’t the
only
flaky thing about him.”
Several blubbery boys collected around Virgil and Milton. Milton now knew what a main course felt like.
“Hey, Virginia. Who’s the new kid?” asked a boy with short prickly hair and cheeks so big that he looked like a butt with eyes.
“It’s
Virgil
, Hugo,” Virgil answered. “And
his
name is Mi … um …
my
friend.
Jonah
. Jonah, these are the guys. Hugo, Thaddeus, and Gene.”
Thaddeus scrunched his scrunched-up face at Milton. His flabby arms stuck out limply at his sides, like a dinosaur frozen in mid jumping jack.
“He looks like something my cat would havecoughed up, only magnified a million times,” Thaddeus said.
“Let us not squander our energy on words!” Dr. Kellogg barked, his elfish demeanor more akin to a troll after soaking in a tub of Hyper Viper energy drink. “We must conquer the mouth, the gateway to the body. It gapes open, weak, for far too long—like the doors of a convenience store. The mouth should, instead, open only for healthful foods, such as Hambone Hank’s Soul Food—”
A collective “yum” echoed throughout the Gymnauseum.
“—and my Off the Eaten Path Dusted Double Lentil Trail Mix Biscuits.”
The “yum” was quickly overtaken and subdued by a chorus of “yucks.”
The teacher’s eyes narrowed. He scowled at his large pupils through his tiny pupils.
“But
Beyond the entryway of red-and-black-checkered foam mats was a huge two-story-high open warehouse space filled with rows of peculiar machines. The gray metal contraptions were splayed open, their twin doors like the petals of sinister brushed-steel flowers. Tuckedinside each one was an industrial-sized metal hamster wheel.
Demons in white laboratory smocks paced a second-story walkway edging the wall above the Gymnauseum floor. They scrutinized the open area below and scribbled observations on their clipboards. A short man dressed completely in white bounded up a flight of stairs to the walkway. He gripped the banister and smiled down at the children forced to assemble before him.
“Well, well,” he clucked as he took in the sheer mass of Blimpo’s student body. “And we’re all about getting well here, in my Fatness to Fitness Center!”
His eyes—twinkling with a merry madness—settled on Milton and Virgil, who were still lingering in the Gymnauseum entryway.
“Hurry, my boys,” he said with crisp, manic exuberance. “This is the only place where haste
doesn’t
make waist!”
Milton and Virgil trudged across the foam mats to be further savaged by bad puns and good cheer, no doubt. The mats hissed beneath their feet before slowly refilling the jumbo-sized indentations left by the two boys.
“Remember,” Milton reminded his kind-yet-often-naive friend, “I’m Jonah. Got it?”
Virgil nodded. “Yep, I got it. Jonah, like the minorHebrew prophet who was called by God to preach in Nineveh but—after disobeying and attempting to escape by sea—was thrown overboard in a storm as a bringer of bad luck and then swallowed up by a giant fish.”
Milton stared at his friend, his Pang mouth gaping like a mackerel on the deck of a fishing troller.
“Yeah,” Milton replied. “Something like that.”
“Gym dandy!” the man in white declared with a clap of his hands. “As many of you know, I am Dr. Kellogg, your health education teacher.”
“Kellogg?” Milton whispered to Virgil. “As in cornflakes?”
“Yep.” Virgil nodded. “And his cereal isn’t the
only
flaky thing about him.”
Several blubbery boys collected around Virgil and Milton. Milton now knew what a main course felt like.
“Hey, Virginia. Who’s the new kid?” asked a boy with short prickly hair and cheeks so big that he looked like a butt with eyes.
“It’s
Virgil
, Hugo,” Virgil answered. “And
his
name is Mi … um …
my
friend.
Jonah
. Jonah, these are the guys. Hugo, Thaddeus, and Gene.”
Thaddeus scrunched his scrunched-up face at Milton. His flabby arms stuck out limply at his sides, like a dinosaur frozen in mid jumping jack.
“He looks like something my cat would havecoughed up, only magnified a million times,” Thaddeus said.
“Let us not squander our energy on words!” Dr. Kellogg barked, his elfish demeanor more akin to a troll after soaking in a tub of Hyper Viper energy drink. “We must conquer the mouth, the gateway to the body. It gapes open, weak, for far too long—like the doors of a convenience store. The mouth should, instead, open only for healthful foods, such as Hambone Hank’s Soul Food—”
A collective “yum” echoed throughout the Gymnauseum.
“—and my Off the Eaten Path Dusted Double Lentil Trail Mix Biscuits.”
The “yum” was quickly overtaken and subdued by a chorus of “yucks.”
The teacher’s eyes narrowed. He scowled at his large pupils through his tiny pupils.
“But
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