He still ain't here. He ain't coming. I feel the desperation reaching a level that is gonna make me scream.
The song finishes and Martin steps away, "Okay darling. Go have a drink and loosen up. I have expectations now that we are officially engaged." He walks away to drink with his friends. They eye me up and cheer for him as he makes his way back to the circle. My momma already told me there are expectations men have of their fiancés. It was a beautiful mother-daughter moment. She brushed my hair and told me about things that made me want to gag.
I walk into one of the huge rose bushes and feel like crying. He ain't coming.
"Lorelei." I almost jump when I hear his voice. I spin and am unable to fight the smile that breaks across my face, "You came, Lord in heaven, I didn’t think you were."
His eyes are serious, "We need to talk. Now."
I look around. Everyone is too sober. I shake my head, "Not yet. If anyone sees you and me, it could ruin everything. Come find me in a bit. I'll signal you when it's time." I step forward and brush my lips against his quickly, before I turn and walk back to the party.
Angie finds me and we smoke and drink while she tells me about how it's not too late to make a run for California. I feel free to be happy now that he has shown up. Martin thinks I'm loosening up to do forbidden things that are not part of the ladies handbook. But I'm loosening up to leave. I have a plan. My anxiety over his not showing up is nothing compared to the anxiety I have about what I'm about to do. I watch Em and make sure she's not getting too drunk. I need her mobile.
Chapter Eight
The fog in my head is a rush I can't fight.
The party is over.
It ended so much faster than I woulda expected it to, but the circumstances were out of anyone's control. No one coulda seen coming what came. No one coulda anticipated it all.
I creep out into the dark shadows and try to piece it all together. In the dark, the garden comes to life in a way that was hidden from the light of the torches that are now destroyed. Everything is destroyed and yet I am giddy. I have fed from the love that was offered and now I am doomed.
I giggle as I walk and notice the way the white columns glow against the enveloping black of the forest, making me feel as though I have a spot light upon me. Every rose and thorn appears darker, like my heart. My black, giddy heart that is broken but I can't seem to access the pain. The giddiness is taking away the sense I swear I had.
I feel the garden reaching for me, as I drag my slender fingers along the thorns and leaves. Something euphoric is inside of me, blocking the terror and the need to run.
I tiptoe in my slippers amongst the hanging trees and bushes, to the outdoor dance floor.
Everyone has gone.
Fled, run for their lives. The ones who didn’t are dead. So many are dead.
I should flee too. I know it and yet I can't seem to do it. Not yet. I feel too alive.
The smoke from the fire burning inside of the house mixes with the mist in the air. Slowly it blankets the garden, hiding it.
Hiding me. But it's not enough. I need to run and yet I'm not.
I'm in a dream.
I'm certain of it. Everything fell apart too rapidly to be real. One minute we were dancing and then the next, it all ended.
Reaching the old worn cement, I lean my back against one of the pillars. If I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of his arms at either side of me, his breath at my cheek.
In a burst of sobs, my breath fights for space in my aching chest. Memories battle amongst themselves, creating a blur instead of a picture. Every part of me wants too much of him. Too much to let one small memory or feeling surface and own the moment.
There should be panic, but instead there is remorse and confusion and pain, horrible pain. But all of it's dulled by something. Some kind of magic that makes me feel alive and free.
The moment when my brain should be the clearest, I have never felt more lost in thought and
The song finishes and Martin steps away, "Okay darling. Go have a drink and loosen up. I have expectations now that we are officially engaged." He walks away to drink with his friends. They eye me up and cheer for him as he makes his way back to the circle. My momma already told me there are expectations men have of their fiancés. It was a beautiful mother-daughter moment. She brushed my hair and told me about things that made me want to gag.
I walk into one of the huge rose bushes and feel like crying. He ain't coming.
"Lorelei." I almost jump when I hear his voice. I spin and am unable to fight the smile that breaks across my face, "You came, Lord in heaven, I didn’t think you were."
His eyes are serious, "We need to talk. Now."
I look around. Everyone is too sober. I shake my head, "Not yet. If anyone sees you and me, it could ruin everything. Come find me in a bit. I'll signal you when it's time." I step forward and brush my lips against his quickly, before I turn and walk back to the party.
Angie finds me and we smoke and drink while she tells me about how it's not too late to make a run for California. I feel free to be happy now that he has shown up. Martin thinks I'm loosening up to do forbidden things that are not part of the ladies handbook. But I'm loosening up to leave. I have a plan. My anxiety over his not showing up is nothing compared to the anxiety I have about what I'm about to do. I watch Em and make sure she's not getting too drunk. I need her mobile.
Chapter Eight
The fog in my head is a rush I can't fight.
The party is over.
It ended so much faster than I woulda expected it to, but the circumstances were out of anyone's control. No one coulda seen coming what came. No one coulda anticipated it all.
I creep out into the dark shadows and try to piece it all together. In the dark, the garden comes to life in a way that was hidden from the light of the torches that are now destroyed. Everything is destroyed and yet I am giddy. I have fed from the love that was offered and now I am doomed.
I giggle as I walk and notice the way the white columns glow against the enveloping black of the forest, making me feel as though I have a spot light upon me. Every rose and thorn appears darker, like my heart. My black, giddy heart that is broken but I can't seem to access the pain. The giddiness is taking away the sense I swear I had.
I feel the garden reaching for me, as I drag my slender fingers along the thorns and leaves. Something euphoric is inside of me, blocking the terror and the need to run.
I tiptoe in my slippers amongst the hanging trees and bushes, to the outdoor dance floor.
Everyone has gone.
Fled, run for their lives. The ones who didn’t are dead. So many are dead.
I should flee too. I know it and yet I can't seem to do it. Not yet. I feel too alive.
The smoke from the fire burning inside of the house mixes with the mist in the air. Slowly it blankets the garden, hiding it.
Hiding me. But it's not enough. I need to run and yet I'm not.
I'm in a dream.
I'm certain of it. Everything fell apart too rapidly to be real. One minute we were dancing and then the next, it all ended.
Reaching the old worn cement, I lean my back against one of the pillars. If I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of his arms at either side of me, his breath at my cheek.
In a burst of sobs, my breath fights for space in my aching chest. Memories battle amongst themselves, creating a blur instead of a picture. Every part of me wants too much of him. Too much to let one small memory or feeling surface and own the moment.
There should be panic, but instead there is remorse and confusion and pain, horrible pain. But all of it's dulled by something. Some kind of magic that makes me feel alive and free.
The moment when my brain should be the clearest, I have never felt more lost in thought and
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