date, and because my husband was coming from work, where he is still expected to wear something a notch up from yoga pants and flip flops, I dressed for our appointment with the banker. As I pulled on big girl slacks, I thought I’d better not gain weight, or lose it either. Ever. These may be the last nice clothes I’d ever own.
We were greeted, served coffee, and showed to an office where our retirement specialist explained to us the process of mapping out best case and acceptable case scenarios for our non-working future. We spent what I thought was an inordinate amount of time discussing the age at which my husband would retire.
“Fifty-five is ideal,” he said.
“Are you kidding me?” I said. “That’s in ten years. You have no hobbies. What would you do with the rest of your life?” And, I thought, I’ll be fifty. My need for cosmetic procedures will just be ramping up and those are not cheap.
“Okay, sixty.”
“Sixty-five.”
“You know,” the nice woman with the calculator said, “there are considerable benefits to waiting until you’re sixtyseven to stop working.”
“Ha!” I said. Such a romantic.
After a brief discussion of Social Security and far fewer questions about our saving and spending habits than I expected, we came to the “extras” section of the interview. This is where my husband asserted his need in retirement to buy a boat—a big one.
“Except I want to buy it now,” he told our trusted counselor.
“Okay,” she said. “We’ll work that into the calculation.” She turned to me. “One last question—how do you want me to treat your income? Should I count it as extra or include it in the overall forecast.”
“Put it toward my world travels,” I told her.
“Your travels?”
“Best case scenario.” She turned to John. “Did you know about the traveling?” He shrugged. “She doesn’t like my boat.”
Top Ten Stupid Date Night Ideas
W
ITH THE RIDICULOUS DATE NIGHT ADVICE OUT THERE , IT ’ S A wonder anyone’s having any fun at all. Here are the top ten stupid date night ideas I found on the Internet. (I swear I did not make these up.)
1 0. Put on your sexiest stilettos and sip fancy cocktails at a hotel bar.
I’m hoping the heels are for the ladies, but still. Watch your step. You won’t feel too sexy on the stretcher en route to the nearest ER.
9. Bubble bath for two with candles and champagne.
Ah… the classic. Remember that what passes for sexy in the movies does not necessarily translate into your real life. Unless you really enjoy taking baths and you and your lovahhh can fit neatly into the tub together, this play might be out of your league. Then again, bubbles hide a multitude of [cheesecake] sins.
8. Make a meal of aphrodisiac oysters.
Slurping oysters from the shell is supposed to be hot. Perhaps, but if you’re leery about tomatoes and bagged spinach, raw seafood may not be in your comfort zone.
7. Grown up trick-or-treating.
Again, I did not make this up. One site actually suggested putting on a sexy outfit and knocking on the bedroom door. This is disturbing and wrong. Plus, unless you’re a size two, the naughty nurse costume is a little scary.
6. Enjoy a rousing game of Twister.
Uh huh. If you’re going to try this, I suggest you first program the number of a great chiropractor into your cell phone and keep it within reach. Better yet, leave it with your neighbor, as she’ll likely be the one to rescue you from your twisted little love knot.
5. Spread a blanket on the floor and have a carpet picnic.
Maybe your house is cleaner than mine. Maybe your carpet is newer. I’m just saying. Getting too close to my floor would quickly transform any romantic ideas into fantasies of having the steam cleaner guy come twice a year instead of once.
4. Take a sketchpad to a scenic bluff and draw your own version of the vista.
Is it just my husband, or would your guy also draw a stick figure with boobs?
3. Suit up and spend a
We were greeted, served coffee, and showed to an office where our retirement specialist explained to us the process of mapping out best case and acceptable case scenarios for our non-working future. We spent what I thought was an inordinate amount of time discussing the age at which my husband would retire.
“Fifty-five is ideal,” he said.
“Are you kidding me?” I said. “That’s in ten years. You have no hobbies. What would you do with the rest of your life?” And, I thought, I’ll be fifty. My need for cosmetic procedures will just be ramping up and those are not cheap.
“Okay, sixty.”
“Sixty-five.”
“You know,” the nice woman with the calculator said, “there are considerable benefits to waiting until you’re sixtyseven to stop working.”
“Ha!” I said. Such a romantic.
After a brief discussion of Social Security and far fewer questions about our saving and spending habits than I expected, we came to the “extras” section of the interview. This is where my husband asserted his need in retirement to buy a boat—a big one.
“Except I want to buy it now,” he told our trusted counselor.
“Okay,” she said. “We’ll work that into the calculation.” She turned to me. “One last question—how do you want me to treat your income? Should I count it as extra or include it in the overall forecast.”
“Put it toward my world travels,” I told her.
“Your travels?”
“Best case scenario.” She turned to John. “Did you know about the traveling?” He shrugged. “She doesn’t like my boat.”
Top Ten Stupid Date Night Ideas
W
ITH THE RIDICULOUS DATE NIGHT ADVICE OUT THERE , IT ’ S A wonder anyone’s having any fun at all. Here are the top ten stupid date night ideas I found on the Internet. (I swear I did not make these up.)
1 0. Put on your sexiest stilettos and sip fancy cocktails at a hotel bar.
I’m hoping the heels are for the ladies, but still. Watch your step. You won’t feel too sexy on the stretcher en route to the nearest ER.
9. Bubble bath for two with candles and champagne.
Ah… the classic. Remember that what passes for sexy in the movies does not necessarily translate into your real life. Unless you really enjoy taking baths and you and your lovahhh can fit neatly into the tub together, this play might be out of your league. Then again, bubbles hide a multitude of [cheesecake] sins.
8. Make a meal of aphrodisiac oysters.
Slurping oysters from the shell is supposed to be hot. Perhaps, but if you’re leery about tomatoes and bagged spinach, raw seafood may not be in your comfort zone.
7. Grown up trick-or-treating.
Again, I did not make this up. One site actually suggested putting on a sexy outfit and knocking on the bedroom door. This is disturbing and wrong. Plus, unless you’re a size two, the naughty nurse costume is a little scary.
6. Enjoy a rousing game of Twister.
Uh huh. If you’re going to try this, I suggest you first program the number of a great chiropractor into your cell phone and keep it within reach. Better yet, leave it with your neighbor, as she’ll likely be the one to rescue you from your twisted little love knot.
5. Spread a blanket on the floor and have a carpet picnic.
Maybe your house is cleaner than mine. Maybe your carpet is newer. I’m just saying. Getting too close to my floor would quickly transform any romantic ideas into fantasies of having the steam cleaner guy come twice a year instead of once.
4. Take a sketchpad to a scenic bluff and draw your own version of the vista.
Is it just my husband, or would your guy also draw a stick figure with boobs?
3. Suit up and spend a
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