I shrugged.
‘Another time,’ he said. That grin again.
I grabbed Scott by the elbow and ushered him out of the café and into the car park.
‘What is it?’
‘Please, Jo. Come back to the house. There’s something you need to know.’
I sighed. I couldn’t deal with it. So he’d cheated on me with the girl from work. Kirsty. Whatever. It didn’t matter any more. I had bigger things on my mind.
‘Not now, Scott,’ I said. ‘I’ll pop round tomorrow. On my lunch break, maybe.’
His face fell. He looked pathetic, like a kicked puppy. He didn’t seem to care that I knew he’d be in at lunchtime on a Monday when he was supposed to be fifteen miles away, in Edinburgh. Popping out for an M&S sandwich or a cheeky lunchtime pint with the ‘lads’ from the office.
I felt bad, almost contemplated going round … but then I heard a voice behind me, spun round.
‘Jo – you dropped this …’
I stared at Maloney’s outstretched hand. In it, my watch. I hadn’t even noticed it falling off.
‘Thanks,’ I said, ‘I really must get that clasp fixed …’
‘Are you sure you don’t want that coffee?’
I bit the corner of my lip. It might be the right thing to do … get it over with … but no. Not yet.
‘Another time,’ I said, and when I turned away, hoping to find Scott waiting, I was disappointed to find out that he was gone.
20
When I got back to the flat, Craig and Rob were gone. A note was propped up against a vase on the kitchen table.
Gone suit shopping! Eeek!
See you tonight for pizza and beers,
C & R xx
Craig had been preoccupied with the wedding plans for months now, but I was perplexed as to how much arranging they actually needed to do. Rob seemed to be behind most of it, of course, with Craig just tagging along and pretending he wasn’t terrified by the whole idea of the civil partnership and what it really meant.
The last time we’d slept together was three years ago, just before I’d started going out with Scott. Rob had been away in London for a week.
Craig had rolled over onto his side straight afterwards, so that I couldn’t see him crying. ‘This is the last time, Jo,’ he said, ‘I promise …’
I pulled the sheets up to my neck and sat up. The sex with Craig was always frantic and guilt-ridden, but there was love in there, somewhere. I felt it and I knew he did too. ‘Craig,’ I laid a hand on his shoulder, ‘you need to decide what it is that you want … I get that you’re confused …’
He jumped out of the bed and grabbed a pair of pants off the floor, hastily pulling them on. ‘I’m not confused, Jo. I told you. I love Rob. He makes me feel … complete … I know that sounds naff.’
‘And what about me? What do I make you feel?’
He sniffed. ‘You make me feel dirty, Jo.’
I opened my mouth to protest, but then he was on top of me again, laughing, smothering me, kissing me. Eventually he pulled away. ‘It’s complicated. You know that. But I just feel like I need to be with Rob. This is not real.’ He rocked back onto his knees, cupped my chin with one hand. ‘ We’re not real.’
I pushed him off. ‘It always feels real to me.’
His voice went cold and he turned his back on me. ‘You’d better go, Jo. Rob’s back tonight. I need to tidy up. Change the sheets …’
I slid out from under him and started to pick up my clothes. Wondered again what it was I needed to do to make him want me . Then I met Scott in the pub and leapt in without another thought for Craig. Our relationship had been damaged after that, and I knew there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I don’t think he’d actually told Rob about us, but I think Rob suspected – which is why he seemed to blow hot and cold with me. There was no way I could stay trapped in that flat with the two of them, eating pizza and pretending I was happy to see Craig affirming the sexuality that I knew was a lie. So despite the voice in my head telling me that
‘Another time,’ he said. That grin again.
I grabbed Scott by the elbow and ushered him out of the café and into the car park.
‘What is it?’
‘Please, Jo. Come back to the house. There’s something you need to know.’
I sighed. I couldn’t deal with it. So he’d cheated on me with the girl from work. Kirsty. Whatever. It didn’t matter any more. I had bigger things on my mind.
‘Not now, Scott,’ I said. ‘I’ll pop round tomorrow. On my lunch break, maybe.’
His face fell. He looked pathetic, like a kicked puppy. He didn’t seem to care that I knew he’d be in at lunchtime on a Monday when he was supposed to be fifteen miles away, in Edinburgh. Popping out for an M&S sandwich or a cheeky lunchtime pint with the ‘lads’ from the office.
I felt bad, almost contemplated going round … but then I heard a voice behind me, spun round.
‘Jo – you dropped this …’
I stared at Maloney’s outstretched hand. In it, my watch. I hadn’t even noticed it falling off.
‘Thanks,’ I said, ‘I really must get that clasp fixed …’
‘Are you sure you don’t want that coffee?’
I bit the corner of my lip. It might be the right thing to do … get it over with … but no. Not yet.
‘Another time,’ I said, and when I turned away, hoping to find Scott waiting, I was disappointed to find out that he was gone.
20
When I got back to the flat, Craig and Rob were gone. A note was propped up against a vase on the kitchen table.
Gone suit shopping! Eeek!
See you tonight for pizza and beers,
C & R xx
Craig had been preoccupied with the wedding plans for months now, but I was perplexed as to how much arranging they actually needed to do. Rob seemed to be behind most of it, of course, with Craig just tagging along and pretending he wasn’t terrified by the whole idea of the civil partnership and what it really meant.
The last time we’d slept together was three years ago, just before I’d started going out with Scott. Rob had been away in London for a week.
Craig had rolled over onto his side straight afterwards, so that I couldn’t see him crying. ‘This is the last time, Jo,’ he said, ‘I promise …’
I pulled the sheets up to my neck and sat up. The sex with Craig was always frantic and guilt-ridden, but there was love in there, somewhere. I felt it and I knew he did too. ‘Craig,’ I laid a hand on his shoulder, ‘you need to decide what it is that you want … I get that you’re confused …’
He jumped out of the bed and grabbed a pair of pants off the floor, hastily pulling them on. ‘I’m not confused, Jo. I told you. I love Rob. He makes me feel … complete … I know that sounds naff.’
‘And what about me? What do I make you feel?’
He sniffed. ‘You make me feel dirty, Jo.’
I opened my mouth to protest, but then he was on top of me again, laughing, smothering me, kissing me. Eventually he pulled away. ‘It’s complicated. You know that. But I just feel like I need to be with Rob. This is not real.’ He rocked back onto his knees, cupped my chin with one hand. ‘ We’re not real.’
I pushed him off. ‘It always feels real to me.’
His voice went cold and he turned his back on me. ‘You’d better go, Jo. Rob’s back tonight. I need to tidy up. Change the sheets …’
I slid out from under him and started to pick up my clothes. Wondered again what it was I needed to do to make him want me . Then I met Scott in the pub and leapt in without another thought for Craig. Our relationship had been damaged after that, and I knew there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I don’t think he’d actually told Rob about us, but I think Rob suspected – which is why he seemed to blow hot and cold with me. There was no way I could stay trapped in that flat with the two of them, eating pizza and pretending I was happy to see Craig affirming the sexuality that I knew was a lie. So despite the voice in my head telling me that
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