ask her to move on, to do something different for the sake of his pride? I hoped not. Sol was too good to lose.
“I’m fine to stay here, as always,” I said. “I’m sure you have plans with Xander, after all. No need to keep him waiting when I’m more than capable of closing up.”
“I wasn’t trying to suggest you’re not capable,” Sol argued, and I had to again fight a sappy smile. Sol had been so meek, so shy when she’d first started working. She’d been Faith’s best and most devoted student.
It had been a pleasure watching her become more confident, even as she had to fight for things no person should ever have to fight for—like being able to live in this country when her life was in danger in the home she’d fled. The fact that she would contradict me over something now showed me how far she’d come.
She was probably ready. I was the one who wasn’t.
“I know you weren’t,” I said, shaking my head at her. “But go. Leave early for once. Enjoy the time you have with Xander.”
I’d bet anything on the fact that Sol didn’t realize she brightened every time someone mentioned that name. It did things to my heart I didn’t like to admit.
“If you insist,” Sol said finally, feigning grumpiness that I didn’t believe for a second. She was good at this, but the long and strange hours could wear on a person—and all of her relationships outside of the club. It was why so many of the girls here were friends and spent time together socially when they weren’t working. It was easier to maintain a sisterhood and friendships with people who stayed up at all hours rather than those who had to wake up to work a regular nine to five.
The last girl performed, the music shut down, and the bouncers encouraged lingering customers to weave their way toward the door. The lights came up, and the cleaning crew started picking across the tables and carpets, removing all signs that the customers had been there, emptying ashtrays into garbage cans and garbage cans into the dumpster out back.
I took a sip of my cocktail and grimaced, realizing I’d let it sit for so long that it had gone warm.
Rising from the table where I’d watched all the action, I walked to the office, my heels hurting me more than they should, making me contemplate buying something not quite as high. I shook my mind free from that thought. Three-inch heels would turn into two-inch heels would turn into flats would turn into orthopedic loafers and a cane. I wasn’t ready to wither away, and the shoes would be the first white flag waved to the march of time.
Still, I slipped them off and let my stocking-encased feet rest once they were hidden beneath my desk. Sol had slipped all the cash from the registers into a single bag for me and left it here, along with all of the receipts of the night. I tried to imagine her in this chair, scrutinizing these numbers and analyzing what bottles to buy, what bottles to push, which waitresses to work each section, what was giving us the best profits.
It was surprisingly painful to imagine. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to let go of this place. I could let it go, financially. I didn’t need it like I used to need it. Now, my need was more of an addiction than anything. I needed to be here, needed to be an essential cog in the machine.
I was nothing without the machine. The world was too big and lonely without it, and I had too many memories if I couldn’t immerse myself in this work.
I needed it and yet…I was grooming Sol specifically so I could let this place go. If she didn’t already realize it, I was sure the idea was starting to grow in her mind. I was giving her more responsibilities than I’d given anyone. She deserved the riches that this club had granted me. If I could continue to pay it forward, maybe I could find a way forward in my own life.
I’d made so many mistakes that I was beginning to wonder if there was still a way forward.
Or did the best of times lie behind
“I’m fine to stay here, as always,” I said. “I’m sure you have plans with Xander, after all. No need to keep him waiting when I’m more than capable of closing up.”
“I wasn’t trying to suggest you’re not capable,” Sol argued, and I had to again fight a sappy smile. Sol had been so meek, so shy when she’d first started working. She’d been Faith’s best and most devoted student.
It had been a pleasure watching her become more confident, even as she had to fight for things no person should ever have to fight for—like being able to live in this country when her life was in danger in the home she’d fled. The fact that she would contradict me over something now showed me how far she’d come.
She was probably ready. I was the one who wasn’t.
“I know you weren’t,” I said, shaking my head at her. “But go. Leave early for once. Enjoy the time you have with Xander.”
I’d bet anything on the fact that Sol didn’t realize she brightened every time someone mentioned that name. It did things to my heart I didn’t like to admit.
“If you insist,” Sol said finally, feigning grumpiness that I didn’t believe for a second. She was good at this, but the long and strange hours could wear on a person—and all of her relationships outside of the club. It was why so many of the girls here were friends and spent time together socially when they weren’t working. It was easier to maintain a sisterhood and friendships with people who stayed up at all hours rather than those who had to wake up to work a regular nine to five.
The last girl performed, the music shut down, and the bouncers encouraged lingering customers to weave their way toward the door. The lights came up, and the cleaning crew started picking across the tables and carpets, removing all signs that the customers had been there, emptying ashtrays into garbage cans and garbage cans into the dumpster out back.
I took a sip of my cocktail and grimaced, realizing I’d let it sit for so long that it had gone warm.
Rising from the table where I’d watched all the action, I walked to the office, my heels hurting me more than they should, making me contemplate buying something not quite as high. I shook my mind free from that thought. Three-inch heels would turn into two-inch heels would turn into flats would turn into orthopedic loafers and a cane. I wasn’t ready to wither away, and the shoes would be the first white flag waved to the march of time.
Still, I slipped them off and let my stocking-encased feet rest once they were hidden beneath my desk. Sol had slipped all the cash from the registers into a single bag for me and left it here, along with all of the receipts of the night. I tried to imagine her in this chair, scrutinizing these numbers and analyzing what bottles to buy, what bottles to push, which waitresses to work each section, what was giving us the best profits.
It was surprisingly painful to imagine. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to let go of this place. I could let it go, financially. I didn’t need it like I used to need it. Now, my need was more of an addiction than anything. I needed to be here, needed to be an essential cog in the machine.
I was nothing without the machine. The world was too big and lonely without it, and I had too many memories if I couldn’t immerse myself in this work.
I needed it and yet…I was grooming Sol specifically so I could let this place go. If she didn’t already realize it, I was sure the idea was starting to grow in her mind. I was giving her more responsibilities than I’d given anyone. She deserved the riches that this club had granted me. If I could continue to pay it forward, maybe I could find a way forward in my own life.
I’d made so many mistakes that I was beginning to wonder if there was still a way forward.
Or did the best of times lie behind
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