name was Karen, and I used to look up to her. She had a very big butt. I used to target her. I’d curse at her. It wasn’t because I hated her — I really liked her — I wanted her to be a part of my life.
I fantasized that I was a beautiful woman. I fantasized that I was Mariah Carey.
At first I changed my name to Monica because that was my mom’s name. I guess I wanted her to be part of me. I fantasized that I was this very big star, a pop singer. I was Lady Gaga, and everybody loved my music.
I was open about being gay, but I wasn’t open about being trans. To tell the truth, I didn’t know the word. I knew that I wanted to be a girl. I knew that I wanted to be popular. I knew that I wanted to be cute. But I wasn’t any of those things. I was actually pretty much a loser. I thought I was the only one in the world that was going through this. I didn’t know about hormones yet. I didn’t know what SRS was — sex reassignment surgery. I didn’t know what the procedure was.
I started reading and hearing about other people like me. I was actually jealous. I thought I was the only one feeling like this.
Hey, how the hell you feeling like that?
I was mad about that.
It was funny and stupid at the same time, but I really wanted to feel special.
How can you be feeling the same things I’m feeling?
And it made me really mad, like, I’m not special after all.
I was sent to a new placement center, in Pennsylvania, where I worked with a good therapist. I told her I wanted to be a girl. She was an excellent social worker, one of the best I had had so far. She told me to write everything I felt in a journal. I wrote down all my fantasies. I don’t think she wanted me to transition into girl; she wanted me to look inside myself, more than the outside of myself.
As I learned more, it made me feel sad, like I had a disorder. Transsexual. Even the name sounded weird to me. It was like I’m not born who I am; I have to transition to be who I am.
A lot of transgender girls feel that they look like a boy and they try to fix it. The thing is, real beauty comes from the inside. You could be the most passable trans woman ever. Real beauty from the inside! And that’s what the therapist was basically telling me.
But then, at sixteen, guess what happened? I started going through male puberty. My stomach started changing. My head structure started changing. My legs started changing. My face. My eyes. I started getting facial hair.
I thought,
What is going on? I’ve always looked like a woman.
The other kids were confused too. They looked at my face and asked, “What is this?”
“Oh, my God, I’m growing facial hair.”
They were laughing at me. They weren’t laughing at me to make fun of me. They knew I liked to be feminine.
I put Nair on my face. Stupid! It tells you on the bottle not to do it. But I put Nair on my face and it burnt me. Two weeks later, I noticed hair coming in, again, especially around my mustache.
I put Nair on again to remove it, but it started coming in stronger. I never had a full beard, but hairs were coming out all over and I was becoming more masculine.
What’s going on with me? When I wanted to be a man, I looked like a woman. Now, when I want to be a woman, I’m turning into a man. Why?
God really doesn’t like me.
I acted feminine ’cause I wanted to be a girl. I couldn’t picture myself as a guy. When I was with a guy, it wasn’t me being a guy with another guy. It was me being a girl with a guy. It was too confusing to tell everybody that, so the easiest thing to say was, “I’m gay.”
I think it must be difficult for trans men who like guys. Most gay guys don’t like vaginas. Have you ever seen an enlarged clitoris? It looks a little like a little penis. Most of the time gay guys aren’t interested in that.
The guys I’m interested in are down-lows, DLs. That’s somebody that says they are not gay but participates in gay activities, or are confused. Down-lows are
I fantasized that I was a beautiful woman. I fantasized that I was Mariah Carey.
At first I changed my name to Monica because that was my mom’s name. I guess I wanted her to be part of me. I fantasized that I was this very big star, a pop singer. I was Lady Gaga, and everybody loved my music.
I was open about being gay, but I wasn’t open about being trans. To tell the truth, I didn’t know the word. I knew that I wanted to be a girl. I knew that I wanted to be popular. I knew that I wanted to be cute. But I wasn’t any of those things. I was actually pretty much a loser. I thought I was the only one in the world that was going through this. I didn’t know about hormones yet. I didn’t know what SRS was — sex reassignment surgery. I didn’t know what the procedure was.
I started reading and hearing about other people like me. I was actually jealous. I thought I was the only one feeling like this.
Hey, how the hell you feeling like that?
I was mad about that.
It was funny and stupid at the same time, but I really wanted to feel special.
How can you be feeling the same things I’m feeling?
And it made me really mad, like, I’m not special after all.
I was sent to a new placement center, in Pennsylvania, where I worked with a good therapist. I told her I wanted to be a girl. She was an excellent social worker, one of the best I had had so far. She told me to write everything I felt in a journal. I wrote down all my fantasies. I don’t think she wanted me to transition into girl; she wanted me to look inside myself, more than the outside of myself.
As I learned more, it made me feel sad, like I had a disorder. Transsexual. Even the name sounded weird to me. It was like I’m not born who I am; I have to transition to be who I am.
A lot of transgender girls feel that they look like a boy and they try to fix it. The thing is, real beauty comes from the inside. You could be the most passable trans woman ever. Real beauty from the inside! And that’s what the therapist was basically telling me.
But then, at sixteen, guess what happened? I started going through male puberty. My stomach started changing. My head structure started changing. My legs started changing. My face. My eyes. I started getting facial hair.
I thought,
What is going on? I’ve always looked like a woman.
The other kids were confused too. They looked at my face and asked, “What is this?”
“Oh, my God, I’m growing facial hair.”
They were laughing at me. They weren’t laughing at me to make fun of me. They knew I liked to be feminine.
I put Nair on my face. Stupid! It tells you on the bottle not to do it. But I put Nair on my face and it burnt me. Two weeks later, I noticed hair coming in, again, especially around my mustache.
I put Nair on again to remove it, but it started coming in stronger. I never had a full beard, but hairs were coming out all over and I was becoming more masculine.
What’s going on with me? When I wanted to be a man, I looked like a woman. Now, when I want to be a woman, I’m turning into a man. Why?
God really doesn’t like me.
I acted feminine ’cause I wanted to be a girl. I couldn’t picture myself as a guy. When I was with a guy, it wasn’t me being a guy with another guy. It was me being a girl with a guy. It was too confusing to tell everybody that, so the easiest thing to say was, “I’m gay.”
I think it must be difficult for trans men who like guys. Most gay guys don’t like vaginas. Have you ever seen an enlarged clitoris? It looks a little like a little penis. Most of the time gay guys aren’t interested in that.
The guys I’m interested in are down-lows, DLs. That’s somebody that says they are not gay but participates in gay activities, or are confused. Down-lows are
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