Beside Still Waters by Tricia Goyer Page B

hitting the window."
    She had to look up to him. Her brother was tall, like her father, and the top of her head barely reached his shoulders. But the look on his face reminded her of Josiah just a few minutes before—tired, scared, afraid—even though he tried to hide all three.
    Levi shrugged. "I had to talk to you." He didn't say anything about Josiah, but peered over her shoulder to the house as if watching for an unwanted visitor.
    "So you're moving? All of you?" He kicked his white tennis shoe against a clump of dirt. His shoe laces were undone and the hems of his pants were ragged and torn near the heels. Even though it wasn't the first time, it seemed strange to see him in non-Amish clothes. Marianna thought about all the things she'd wanted to tell him. All the harsh words she'd poured out in her journal, but seeing him here . . . sadness replaced anger.
    Marianna nodded. "Yes. To Montana."
    He pushed up the sleeves on a gray sweatshirt that looked two sizes too big and then sank his hands into jean pockets. Even stranger was his haircut. Buzzed short on the sides and spiked up on top.
    "That seems like something Dat would do, leaving, but I'm surprised Mem is going. I'm surprised you're going."
    "It's hard, Mem being here." Marianna moved her gaze in the direction of the two trees, planted in memory of her sisters. She didn't mention that his life choices were just as hard as their deaths had been. She didn't have to. She could see in his gaze he understood.
    "It's wrong, you know. The decisions you are making talking Naomi into—"
    "I didn't talk her into anything," he growled, "and you can save that conversation till it happens."
    "What did you expect me to say? You came here after all." She touched her head, adjusting her thick, starched sleeping kerchief, holding in a yawn, and also pushing down her annoyance that he'd come to her like this. That he'd make her defend a move she didn't believe in.
    He shrugged. "Guess I expected to hear as much, considering yer feelings for Aaron, still I wanted to tell you I'm surprised you're leaving, that's all."
    "We wouldn't have to go, you know, if things changed."
    "You mean if Aaron Zook proposed tomorrow?"
    She blinked. "No, I'm afraid that wouldn't stop them. There are other things our parents are running from. Heartbreaks."
    "You might as well say it. They're leaving because of me."
    "Mostly." She reached for his arm, but then pulled back when she realized touching him was like touching a stranger. It wasn't Levi . . . more like a shadow of him. Even in the moonlight his gaze seemed empty. His voice flat.
    "I'm not coming back into the community. Don't you see? I didn't come this far just to return."
    "This far ? You make it sound like a good thing. Like you've accomplished a lot. What do you mean by that?" Her toes curled on the grass.
    "Do you know how hard it's been? How hard I've worked? I have an eighth grade education. I've been building houses making half as much as the other guys. And I'm lucky to have the job."
    "So why don't you just return? You can work on the farm while Dat is at the mill—"
    "Return? Return to what? I've never fit in, Marianna."
    "How can you say that?" She shook her head.
    "I've always done a good job playing the part, but I never felt like I was supposed to be Amish. It just didn't seem right."
    "So leaving feels right?" She rubbed her forehead, realizing how tired she was. Wondering why she was even bothering to talk with him. It was obvious his mind was set. "I've never understood why you left. I thought at first it was just rumspringa —"
    "No, that's not it. I've known since I was twelve that I was going to leave." He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.
    "What do you mean?" David was twelve, and her father's fears for him doubled in her own mind.
    "Do you remember? Maybe you don't—you were only nine, but there was a neighbor down the road. And he decided to go on his way. He left the Amish, but he didn't leave and just get a