Behemoth by Peter Watts Page A

of an audience.
    It was barely even the kind of thing he could do in private, for that matter. He had, after all, been raised with certain religious beliefs; clinging to the coattails of the Nouveaux Séparatistes, the Catholic miasma had persisted in Quebec long after it had faded into kitschy irrelevance everywhere else. Those beliefs haunted Achilles every night as he rubbed himself, as the sick hateful images flickered through his mind and hardened his penis. It barely mattered that the skeeters were offline, wobbling drunkenly under the influence of the magnetic mobiles he’d hung over his bed and desk and drawers. It barely mattered that he was already going to hell, even if he never touched himself again for the rest of his life—for hadn’t Jesus said, If you do these things even in your heart, then you have committed them in the eyes of God ? Achilles was already damned by his own unbidden thoughts. What more could he lose by acting on them?
    Shortly after his eleventh birthday his penis began leaving actual evidence behind, a milky fluid squirted onto the sheets in the course of his nightly debauchery. He didn’t dare ask the encyclopedia about it for two weeks; it took him that long to figure out how to doctor the inquiry logs so Mom and Dad wouldn’t find out. Cracking the private settings on the household Maytag took another three days. You could never tell what trace elements that thing might be scanning for. By the time Achilles actually dared to launder his bedsheets they smelled a lot like Andrew Trites down at the community center, who was twice the size of anyone else in his cohort and whom nobody wanted to stand next to at the rapitrans stop.
    *   *   *
    â€œI think—” Achilles began at thirteen.
    He no longer believed in the Church. He was after all an empiricist at heart, and God couldn’t withstand so much as ten seconds’ critical scrutiny from anyone who’d already figured out the ugly truth about the Easter Bunny. Paradoxically, though, damnation somehow seemed more real than ever, on some primal level that resisted mere logic. And as long as damnation was real, confession couldn’t hurt.
    â€œâ€”I’m a monster,” he finished.
    It wasn’t as risky a confession as it might have been. His confidante wasn’t especially trustworthy—he’d downloaded it from the net (from Maelstrom, he corrected himself; that’s what everyone was calling it now), and it might be full of worms and trojans even if he had scrubbed it every which way—but he’d also kellered all the I/O except voice and he could delete the whole thing the moment it tried anything funny. He’d do that anyway, once he was finished. No way was he going to leave it ticking after he’d spilled his guts to it.
    Dad would go totally triploid if he knew Achilles had brought a wild app anywhere near their home net, but Achilles wasn’t about to risk using the house filters even if Dad had stopped spying since Mom died. And anyway, Dad wasn’t going to find out. He was downstairs, cowled in his sensorium with the rest of the province—the rest of the country now, Achilles had to keep reminding himself—immersed in the pomp and ceremony of Quebec’s very first Independence Day. Sullen, resentful Penny—her days of idolizing Big Brother long past—would have gladly sold him out in a second, but these days she pretty much lived in her rapture helmet. By now it must have worn the grooves right out of her temporal lobes.
    It was the birthday of the last new country in the world, and Achilles Desjardins was alone in his bedroom with his confessor.
    â€œWhat kind of monster?” asked TheraPal TM 6.2, its voice studiously androgynous.
    He’d learned the word that very morning. He pronounced it carefully: “A misogynist.”
    â€œI see,” TheraPal TM murmered in his ear.
    â€œI have these—I