Before You Go by Clare James Page B

determined. All playfulness gone.
    His free hand finds its way back between my legs and I have to bite my lip to hold in a scream.
    “Tabby,” he warns when I start to protest.
    This time, without my guidance, his fingers brush over me and find the perfect spot. When they do, they press down.
    I tell myself that I want to go through with it.
    I want him.
    Still, I want control even more.
    Red lights flash behind my eyes signaling potential disaster to my brain. And that’s when my body shuts down.
    “Stop,” I say, my voice hoarse. “Stop!”
    Noah releases me and stills instantly. “What?” his voice is raspy too. “What’s wrong?”
    I bury my head in his neck, grip his hands, and hold us still until our breathing slows. He follows my lead, but doesn’t seem mad or frustrated. I talk myself down from blinking red to a cool blue and loosen my grip on his hands. Noah swoops his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest.
    “Sorry,” I tell him. “I just get a little nervous.” I wave it off but his expression tells me he’s not buying it. “It helps if I can—” I break off not quite sure how to say it.
    “Be in control,” Noah finishes for me.
    “Yep.” I exhale. It feels good to admit.
    “Can you tell me why?”
    I shake my head.
    “Tabby.” Noah squeezes his protective arm around me. “You like me, right?”
    I laugh. “Yes, I think we’ve established that.”
    “And you want to be with me?”
    “Again, have you been here for the last thirty minutes?”
    Noah chuckles. “Okay. Good.” He rubs my arms. “So, if we’re going to try this, you have to trust me to be in control sometimes.”
    He meets my eyes and runs the back of his hand along my cheek.
    I nod.
    “I mean, as hot as it is to have you go all dominatrix on my ass, you need to share that control with me. Do you think you can do that?”
    My body shouts, Hell yes! My brain, not so much.
    “I don’t know, Noah,” I tell him honestly. “I want to, but I don’t know if I can. This is the third time I’ve had to put the brakes on things.”
    Noah sets his jaw. “We’ll figure it out, Tab.” He’s so confident it’s hard not to believe him.
    My head continues to spin. “I’m tired.”
    “Okay,” Noah says, worry covering his face.
    “Can we just rest here awhile?” I snuggle into his pillow.
    “I can’t think of anything I’d like better.” He laces his fingers in mine and pulls me close.

    ###
    Noah is asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. My craziness is taking its toll on him too. I listen to his breathing, trying to relax and quiet my mind. It doesn’t work and soon I’m sliding into those memories. The ones I want to forget.
    I jolt up, wanting to wake Noah. I’d rather answer all of his questions than wallow in my unwelcomed thoughts. I’m so frustrated, I could scream. But I don’t. Instead my eyes well up and before I can stop it, a tear drops.
    Noah’s sleepy eyes open. He studies me. His face drops with my tear. My cheek is wet and I look down to hide it.
    Most guys would look away and change the subject, but not Noah. He stares at me with concern covering his face. Yes, he’s definitely one of the good guys. I give my best attempt at a giggle to blow off this uncomfortable mess. It doesn’t work. He can see right through me.
    “ Tabby, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were upset. I wouldn’t have slept—”
    “No worries,” I cut him off.
    “Well I am worried. I want you to be able to talk to me. Maybe I could help.”
    “I’m sure you have better ways to spend your free time than trying to help a head case.”
    “What if I told you helping you would help me?”
    “I’m not sure I’d believe you.”
    “Just wait, it might be you running away after you find out I’m the hot mess.”
    “I don’t believe it,” I tell him. “I think you’d be better off with someone without so many issues.” I don’t want to go there, but it has to be said. “I saw you and Jenna