that line. “I was drugged!”
“Seriously, Gil,” I said. “You need to learn to be more succinct. If you’re just telling us that you had sex with puffy nipple guy, then good for you, boner boy. But, I really have to go.”
He put his hand on my arm. “ Seriously fucked-up stuff coming real soon.”
“Fine,” I huffed, pulling out a smoke. Wendy snatched one from my pack and we both lit up.
“At some point, I passed out, and when I woke up, he wasn’t in the bed, or the bathroom, or the living room. But Chad was still lying on the couch and white as a ghost and on his way to becoming one, if I didn’t do something about it. I ran to the phone to call someone, not sure who. It’s not like I could call 911, not with a body drained of blood in a hotel room not even registered to me. Never mind the fact that technically I didn’t even exist.
“Sitting next to the phone was a handwritten sign with an arrow pointing toward a flashing ‘message’ button on the handset. It read:
Check your messages, Gil.
There was a little heart dotting the “I.” It was with a shaky hand that I pressed the button. And Daniel’s voice came over the speaker.
“‘Gil, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed tonight. Oh wait, yes I can. Tons. I enjoyed your ass like a fat lady enjoys a turkey leg.’ Odd how Daniel’s voice slowly lost the accent and took on more slang, I thought. The eerie feeling that came when I first met him rushed back. I must have met Daniel before.
“‘You’re figuring it out right now, aren’t you? It’s been thirty-some years, but you remember. Leaving me for dead in my apartment while you had your little tryst with Rolf. Well, I’ve never forgotten. I’ve thought about that night for years.’
“I dropped back onto the desk chair, shock rolling through me like a chill.
“It was fucking Chase Hollingsworth, date rapist and, apparently, serial dieter, having slimmed down everywhere and everything but his nipples. The last time I’d seen him he weighed three hundred pounds if he weighed an ounce. We’d met on the night of my transformation; he was there, in fact. I think I’ve already told you about him. He slipped me some drug and blew me on a floral davenport. Gross fucker. Rolf, on the other hand, was far from gross. He was my sire and my longest relationship, until he darted. I hadn’t thought about him for years. And blamed Chase for renewing my maudlin feelings about the whole rigmarole.
“Chase continued. ‘You and that Rolf. Damn him for making me this way. Do you know how hard it is for a fat vampire? I had to seduce a lot of old women to ferret away the cash for the reaper liposuction. In the end it’s made me stronger. My revenge will be my closure. You see, Gil. I’ve evened the score. I’ve left you three gifts. I’m not sure you’ll like any of them, but you’ll have to deal with them. The first is Chad.’
“I looked over at the prone figure. Even now, his lungs sputtered a death rattle.
“‘Chad’s not going to make it and I’ve already called the police to report a death in that room. They’re on their way now. The second and third gifts, you’ll figure out in time.’
“Mortified, I ran to the door and checked the peephole. Chase wasn’t lying. There were officers moving down the hall. I looked back at Chad’s body and then the windows. We were on the thirteenth floor (or fourteenth depending on your level of superstition) and, as you know, I’m no fan of heights.”
CHANNEL 07
Friday
2:00–3:00 A.M.
The Undead Epicurean
The always irreverent and ghoulish Frannie Carmichael takes viewers on a whirlwind tour of local and ethnic delights in this nine-part series on “small bites.” Yes. We mean midgets.
Gil continued, “I looked at my watch and of course, it was 5:30 A.M. A mere half-hour till dawn and up shit creek. The police hammered on the door and started shouting.
“I panicked.
“Of course, I’m no stranger to a
“Seriously, Gil,” I said. “You need to learn to be more succinct. If you’re just telling us that you had sex with puffy nipple guy, then good for you, boner boy. But, I really have to go.”
He put his hand on my arm. “ Seriously fucked-up stuff coming real soon.”
“Fine,” I huffed, pulling out a smoke. Wendy snatched one from my pack and we both lit up.
“At some point, I passed out, and when I woke up, he wasn’t in the bed, or the bathroom, or the living room. But Chad was still lying on the couch and white as a ghost and on his way to becoming one, if I didn’t do something about it. I ran to the phone to call someone, not sure who. It’s not like I could call 911, not with a body drained of blood in a hotel room not even registered to me. Never mind the fact that technically I didn’t even exist.
“Sitting next to the phone was a handwritten sign with an arrow pointing toward a flashing ‘message’ button on the handset. It read:
Check your messages, Gil.
There was a little heart dotting the “I.” It was with a shaky hand that I pressed the button. And Daniel’s voice came over the speaker.
“‘Gil, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed tonight. Oh wait, yes I can. Tons. I enjoyed your ass like a fat lady enjoys a turkey leg.’ Odd how Daniel’s voice slowly lost the accent and took on more slang, I thought. The eerie feeling that came when I first met him rushed back. I must have met Daniel before.
“‘You’re figuring it out right now, aren’t you? It’s been thirty-some years, but you remember. Leaving me for dead in my apartment while you had your little tryst with Rolf. Well, I’ve never forgotten. I’ve thought about that night for years.’
“I dropped back onto the desk chair, shock rolling through me like a chill.
“It was fucking Chase Hollingsworth, date rapist and, apparently, serial dieter, having slimmed down everywhere and everything but his nipples. The last time I’d seen him he weighed three hundred pounds if he weighed an ounce. We’d met on the night of my transformation; he was there, in fact. I think I’ve already told you about him. He slipped me some drug and blew me on a floral davenport. Gross fucker. Rolf, on the other hand, was far from gross. He was my sire and my longest relationship, until he darted. I hadn’t thought about him for years. And blamed Chase for renewing my maudlin feelings about the whole rigmarole.
“Chase continued. ‘You and that Rolf. Damn him for making me this way. Do you know how hard it is for a fat vampire? I had to seduce a lot of old women to ferret away the cash for the reaper liposuction. In the end it’s made me stronger. My revenge will be my closure. You see, Gil. I’ve evened the score. I’ve left you three gifts. I’m not sure you’ll like any of them, but you’ll have to deal with them. The first is Chad.’
“I looked over at the prone figure. Even now, his lungs sputtered a death rattle.
“‘Chad’s not going to make it and I’ve already called the police to report a death in that room. They’re on their way now. The second and third gifts, you’ll figure out in time.’
“Mortified, I ran to the door and checked the peephole. Chase wasn’t lying. There were officers moving down the hall. I looked back at Chad’s body and then the windows. We were on the thirteenth floor (or fourteenth depending on your level of superstition) and, as you know, I’m no fan of heights.”
CHANNEL 07
Friday
2:00–3:00 A.M.
The Undead Epicurean
The always irreverent and ghoulish Frannie Carmichael takes viewers on a whirlwind tour of local and ethnic delights in this nine-part series on “small bites.” Yes. We mean midgets.
Gil continued, “I looked at my watch and of course, it was 5:30 A.M. A mere half-hour till dawn and up shit creek. The police hammered on the door and started shouting.
“I panicked.
“Of course, I’m no stranger to a
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