Barbara the Slut and Other People by Lauren Holmes Page B

the hang of it. Now I knew that was a lie. Something was anatomically incorrect. So I gave myself a refund, and I marked them down from $39.99 to $19.99. Pam was very excited when I called Chad and told him we were out. But she didn’t restock them, which confirmed she knew they were no fun. We also sold out of some 99-cent bullet vibrators, which I had marked down from $4.99 when I realized that all of their batteries had leaked acid.
    In my sex toy stupor I also bought a butt plug for Danny, although I was doubtful that he would want to try it, or that we would ever be home at the same time again. It was black-and-blue marbled silicone, very masculine, and I was prepared with a speech that Chad gave me when I worked at Making Love about how straight men have prostates too.
    •   •   •
    One day I was cleaning the store and trying to decide what toy I wanted to try next when I heard Pam’s bike outside. My heart started beating faster, but then I remembered I was cleaning and I was wearing a work shirt and both of those things were good. I wiped down the next shelf and put the pocket vibrators back, and saw Pam looking through the window. I waved and she came in.
    “Hi Pam,” I said.
    “Hi Brenda,” she said. “How’s it going?”
    “Oh good,” I said. “Just cleaning.”
    “Great,” said Pam. “I just wanted to tell you that we’re having a little birthday party for Chad at Making Love on Friday night. Bring your girlfriend.”
    Since it was a command I said, “Okay.”
    “What’s her name again?” said Pam.
    “Nadeen.”
    “What does she look like?”
    “She’s gorgeous,” I said, remembering seeing Nadeen around campus and in the dark in her twin bed. “She’s half black and half Native American.”
    “You know, you don’t look gay at all.”
    “Really?” I said.
    “No,” she said.
    “I guess I’ve always been pretty feminine,” I said. “Although I have always wanted to cut my hair.”
    “Really,” said Pam.
    “Yeah,” I said. “I won’t give you my whole sob story about my dad, but now that he’s not supporting me anymore I feel like I can finally do it.” I was starting to feel like I was telling the truth.
    “It’s liberating.” Pam smiled at me for the second time since I met her. “It really is.”
    •   •   •
    By Friday I still hadn’t come up with a plan. I searched Facebook for any friends of friends who lived in the Bay Area and looked like they might be half black and half Native American, and planned to offer them money or an Eroscillator, but I couldn’t come up with anyone. My next best idea was to bring the cash deposit to Making Love, tell Pam that I couldn’t stay because Nadeen was in the hospital with a ruptured spleen, and then start crying. I wondered if it was suspicious that “spleen” rhymed with “Nadeen.”
    On the way to work on Friday I got a haircut. It was sort of an impulse decision. I rode by the hair salon every day, but never thought anything of it. Now, faced with losing my job due to my inability to produce a girlfriend, I stopped and went in and asked a punky-looking girl to cut it all off. I didn’t know why I cared if I lost my job, but I did.
    “You sure about this?” said the girl.
    “Yes,” I said. “I need to look gayer.”
    “Okay,” she said.
    “Can you do one thing?” I said. “Can you cut the front first and can we take a picture?”
    “Fine.”
    She started cutting from the top of my head and I watched the pieces fall to the floor. She cut quickly, breathing like she was sleeping.
    She gave me a perfect mullet. The back was so gross and long. She took pictures from a few different angles and gave me back my phone. It was like I was looking at pictures of someone else. I sent Danny the best one with a message that said, “You owe me $100.”
    I watched in the mirror as she cut the back.
    “Can you make it shorter?” I asked.
    “No,” she said.
    “I’m freaking out,” I