the booth and closed his eyes.
In that moment, for just a split second, she had been the Lauren he left behind all those years ago. And although he had no right to expect that version of her, he still felt cheated when she retreated back to her guarded self.
When he watched her with Erin, he could see the real her: the kindness, the humor, the tenderness.
But the second she turned to look at him, the slight veil would shade her eyes, and the invisible wall would go up.
It could have been worse; he recognized that. She didn’t have to be as nice as she was being to him. She could have berated him, castigated him, told him exactly what she thought of him and exactly where he could go.
Or worse, she could have refused to acknowledge him all together.
But she didn’t. Instead, she tried to keep things amiable, and he should have been happy about that. He tried to be happy about that.
But it just wasn’t enough.
Because as kind as she was trying to be, he could still so clearly remember the way she used to look at him.
March 2001
L auren sat on the wall near the faculty parking lot waiting for the late bus to arrive. A crowd of other students waited as well—laughing, talking, sitting on the ground trying to get some homework done—but Lauren sat by herself, her eyes downcast as she absently picked at the strap of her book bag.
“Jesus. Did someone kill your puppy?”
Lauren glanced up to see Michael walking toward her, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He leaned over and bumped fists with his friend Jay, who walked off in the other direction as Michael continued toward her.
“No,” she smiled half-heartedly. “I don’t have a puppy.”
“Ah. So is that why you got that mug on?” he asked as he reached the wall where she was sitting, nudging her leg with his shoulder.
“No,” she said with a tiny laugh. “It’s just been a bad day.”
Michael stood with his back to the wall and reached up behind him; with a quick jump, he was up and sitting beside her. “Do I need to kick somebody’s ass?”
She laughed to herself and shook her head, and then she reached up and fanned the air in front of her face, scrunching her nose at him. He rolled his eyes before he took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it over the wall behind them.
“So what’s the problem?” he asked.
Lauren sighed. “It’s just been a frustrating day. For starters, neither one of my parents are coming to my meet this weekend, and it’s the biggest one of the season.”
“Why aren’t they coming?”
“My dad’s gonna be away on business, and now my mom has to go help my grandma move because my aunt can’t do it anymore.”
“Okay,” Michael nodded. “What’s the other problem?”
Lauren shook her head and looked down. “It’s stupid. I just found out I won’t be able to run for student government next year.”
“Why not?”
“Because it coincides too much with gymnastics.”
Michael leaned back on his hands. “So fix it.”
Lauren looked over, her brow pulled together.
“If you want to do both, then do both. Talk to your coach. See if you can work something out. Or talk to the student advisor. The whole point of being on student government is to bring about change, right? It’s stupid that athletes can’t participate. You should say something.”
“I’m not good at confrontation.”
“True,” he said. “But you’re good at being reasonable. It’s a reasonable request. I mean, they might still say no, but shit, at least you’ll know you tried.”
Lauren nodded, looking down as she swung her feet.
“If you really want something, you shouldn’t stop until you get it, no matter what you have to do. That’s how I see it, anyway.”
“Yeah,” she sighed. “I guess that makes sense.”
“As for the other thing,” Michael said, looking off into the distance. “I mean…is it that important for you to have someone at your meet?”
Lauren looked down as she began picking at the
In that moment, for just a split second, she had been the Lauren he left behind all those years ago. And although he had no right to expect that version of her, he still felt cheated when she retreated back to her guarded self.
When he watched her with Erin, he could see the real her: the kindness, the humor, the tenderness.
But the second she turned to look at him, the slight veil would shade her eyes, and the invisible wall would go up.
It could have been worse; he recognized that. She didn’t have to be as nice as she was being to him. She could have berated him, castigated him, told him exactly what she thought of him and exactly where he could go.
Or worse, she could have refused to acknowledge him all together.
But she didn’t. Instead, she tried to keep things amiable, and he should have been happy about that. He tried to be happy about that.
But it just wasn’t enough.
Because as kind as she was trying to be, he could still so clearly remember the way she used to look at him.
March 2001
L auren sat on the wall near the faculty parking lot waiting for the late bus to arrive. A crowd of other students waited as well—laughing, talking, sitting on the ground trying to get some homework done—but Lauren sat by herself, her eyes downcast as she absently picked at the strap of her book bag.
“Jesus. Did someone kill your puppy?”
Lauren glanced up to see Michael walking toward her, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He leaned over and bumped fists with his friend Jay, who walked off in the other direction as Michael continued toward her.
“No,” she smiled half-heartedly. “I don’t have a puppy.”
“Ah. So is that why you got that mug on?” he asked as he reached the wall where she was sitting, nudging her leg with his shoulder.
“No,” she said with a tiny laugh. “It’s just been a bad day.”
Michael stood with his back to the wall and reached up behind him; with a quick jump, he was up and sitting beside her. “Do I need to kick somebody’s ass?”
She laughed to herself and shook her head, and then she reached up and fanned the air in front of her face, scrunching her nose at him. He rolled his eyes before he took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it over the wall behind them.
“So what’s the problem?” he asked.
Lauren sighed. “It’s just been a frustrating day. For starters, neither one of my parents are coming to my meet this weekend, and it’s the biggest one of the season.”
“Why aren’t they coming?”
“My dad’s gonna be away on business, and now my mom has to go help my grandma move because my aunt can’t do it anymore.”
“Okay,” Michael nodded. “What’s the other problem?”
Lauren shook her head and looked down. “It’s stupid. I just found out I won’t be able to run for student government next year.”
“Why not?”
“Because it coincides too much with gymnastics.”
Michael leaned back on his hands. “So fix it.”
Lauren looked over, her brow pulled together.
“If you want to do both, then do both. Talk to your coach. See if you can work something out. Or talk to the student advisor. The whole point of being on student government is to bring about change, right? It’s stupid that athletes can’t participate. You should say something.”
“I’m not good at confrontation.”
“True,” he said. “But you’re good at being reasonable. It’s a reasonable request. I mean, they might still say no, but shit, at least you’ll know you tried.”
Lauren nodded, looking down as she swung her feet.
“If you really want something, you shouldn’t stop until you get it, no matter what you have to do. That’s how I see it, anyway.”
“Yeah,” she sighed. “I guess that makes sense.”
“As for the other thing,” Michael said, looking off into the distance. “I mean…is it that important for you to have someone at your meet?”
Lauren looked down as she began picking at the
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