Avoiding Mr Right by Anita Heiss Page A

the sexy outfits
with tights and I'm thinking about the guy from customs
and how I could strip-tease them but the thoughts subside
quickly as I run past old churches and the cathedral into the
Basilica de San Francisco, and ask for forgiveness from the
God I don't believe in for my pornographic thoughts. I light
a candle and hope for the best. I say a quick prayer for James
too, because I feel I should.
    A gorgeous beggar on the street is asking for pesetas
but I think he says 'potatoes' and miraculously, I pull some
from my bag. The Lord provides in mysterious ways. I want
to make creamed potatoes with the beggar but I wonder
if that's me being too community-minded and I just keep
walking until I become bored with my astral dream because
there's no men, and no more strip-teasing and I want to go
home, and for the first time in my life I am glad that I am
about to vomit because it wakes me up.

thirteen
Facebook friends
and a fundraiser
    It took me weeks to go through my hotmail account, my
inbox was so full. I had a long list of emails inviting me
to be people's 'friend' on Facebook. There were invitations
from Alice, Dannie, Liza and even James. Apparently this
phenomenon had been happening without me. I signed up
and had too many friends in no time, all poking, super-poking,
headbutting and kissing me. I was sent drinks and
flowers and growing plants and invited to join causes and
groups as my page had bling and bumper stickers added.
    I posted photos of the house, of my office and of St Kilda
so the gang could all see how things were going for me.
Likewise Dannie posted pics of the kids, Liza put up pics of
the basketball team she coached and Alice had photos of her
and Gary down at Coogee. James sent me things constantly
and got a bit annoyed when I didn't respond immediately,
but Facebook had been barred at work as the department
had calculated the amount of hours lost every day to the fad,
and I had to set a good example anyway.
    For about a month it was loads of fun, but also addictive
and before I knew it I was spending hours every night
responding to emails and aquarium gifts, vampire bites and
likeness quizzes. It was a great way to keep on top of what
everyone was doing, though, and better than trying to fit
it all into three separate phone conversations once a week.
We were all on the same Facebook page at the same time.
I rationalised the time spent online by saying I was being
sociable and maintaining my friendships, which could easily
deteriorate in twelve months if I didn't make the effort.
    Sylvia was on there as well and sent out an invitation to a
fundraiser she was involved in for the Black Dog Institute,
an organisation supporting people with depression. She
really was a mixed bag. It would be great to go for a night
out while supporting a worthwhile charity at the same time,
I thought, so of course I accepted. It was at the Westin
Hotel in the heart of the city.
    ♥
    'Wow, you look fantastic,' I said to Sylvia, who had lost
the dark kohl look for something more conservative. I only
found out then that she was on the organising committee
and thought she should dress a little less poetically than
usual.
    We sat down at a table with some of her friends. Everyone
was having little conversations in pairs, and trying to listen
to the MC at the same time.
    'The fashions are very different here, aren't they?'
I observed. And as I looked around the grand ballroom,
I noticed that everyone was wearing black. Everyone .
    'Yes, Sydney's fashion has a more coastal influence, while
Melbourne's is more diverse.' I couldn't see how everyone
wearing the same colour was a demonstration of diversity,
but I decided not to mention it, and changed the topic
instead.
    'Hey, why haven't you got a boyfriend?' I was curious
that Sylvia, who was interesting and intelligent, had never
mentioned a man. I'd been thinking that if she were gay,
I could set her up with