Avenging Home by Angery American Page B

of the leg he was working on and quickly moved on. Under Sarge’s tutelage, we had the top side of the beast skinned in no time and had to roll it over to continue the process. Just as we’d flipped it, Ian showed up with Mike and Ted in tow.
    “Holy hell!” Mike shouted when he saw what we were doing. “The old poacher finally got him a gator!”
    Without looking up, Sarge barked, “I ain’t no poacher!”
    Looking down at the reptile, Mike said, “It’s your lie. You tell it.”
    “Shit. What’s a poacher anyway? You gotta ask the State for permission to feed yourself? Think about it. What’s the natural way for a man to eat? He has to hunt or fish. He has to go get his meat. But in today’s ass-backwards world, that’s illegal, less’n you go to the State and get permission. They see hunting as a privilege and not a right. Instead they say you have to go buy your meat from a store, on Styrofoam trays wrapped in plastic. You got to have a license to do any damn thing.” Sarge looked up, “’Cept to vote.”
    Ted snorted. “The one thing there should be a license for.”
    “And an IQ test,” Mike added.
    Sarge looked at Mike. “That’d keep you from ever seeing a polling booth.” The comment got a round of laughs from all of us.
    Mike snorted. “Pffft, I’ve forgot more than you know.”
    “Shit. You’re so damn ignorant, you don’t even know what you don’t know!” Sarge shouted.
    Mike looked at the gator and Thad. “You know what you’re doing?”
    “I’m following his lead,” Thad said with a smile.
    “Careful with that, Thad. He’s led us into some shitty situations,” Ted said.
    Sarge cut his eyes at him. “Yeah, but I always brought your asses out.”
    Ted nodded slowly. “That you did. That you did.”
    Sarge then looked at Mike. “And hell yes, I know what I’m doing!”
    “I think you’ve done this before,” Mike said.
    Sarge nodded his head slightly. “Once or twice.”
    Danny was working the hide from the tail and asked, “Ever have a license?”
    Sarge looked up, and holding his trigger finger up and, working it back and forth, he said, “Yeah, right here. This is all the license I need.”
    Mike grunted. “Told you he was a poacher.”
    An interesting thing about a gator is it has a perpetually erect penis. And on occasion when that nerve is hit, it will shoot out as if on a spring. As Sarge was cutting around one of the back legs he hit that nerve in the gator and its penis suddenly shot out. It caused all of us to jump back, except the old man. He quickly grabbed a hold of it and sliced it off.
    Mike was wide-eyed. “What the hell is that?” He shouted.
    Sarge grinned and threw it at Mike’s face. “It’s a dick, Dick.”
    The phallus hit him on the chin as he jumped back. We all started to laugh as he thrashed about, wiping his chin vigorously. “What the fuck, man!”
    Ted was doubled over laughing. Pointing at Mike, he said, “You just got tea-bagged by a gator, a dead gator no less!” Sarge erupted into laughter and had to stop work.
    Mike looked down at the member lying in the dirt and picked it up. He eyed Sarge, though only briefly, before taking a quick step towards Ted who was still laughing uproariously. Before Ted saw him, Mike slapped Ted in the face with it. The laughter ceased as Ted went into a spitting fit.
    “Dude! I had my fucking mouth open!”
    “Oh, that’s just wrong!” Ian shouted.
    That was it. We were all now immobilized with laughter. Even Mike got his chance for a good laugh, reminding me so much of Goose from Top Gun. Once we all had ourselves under control, we got back to work. Now that the hide was off, it was time to get serious.
    Sarge was sharpening his knife on a folding diamond hone as he talked about the next phase of the process.
    “All right, girls. Listen up. A gator has basically two kinds of meat, white and dark.”
    “No wonder they say it tastes like chicken,” Ted said.
    “Shut up, Teddy. Or I’ll