stage?
â75.
âAnd what level would be called a negative pregnancy result? Zero?
âNo, 2.
âIn your experience does someone with as low a level as mine have a viable pregnancy?
âNot usually, but we canât rule it out.
My sister wanted to know the result. I said, âI have a very complex answer to a simple question.â We were in disbelief. She turned to Dr. Google and on a bulletin board found a woman who said she had an initial hCG level of 10.5 and then went on to have a child. Hope .
I called my doctor. Asked for clarification.
âIf we wait over the weekend it will declare itself, we want to see the hCG level rise. Keep up the pessaries.
âWhat would you be happy with, level-wise?
âIâd be happy if it got to 25. But I should let you know it could be a biochemical pregnancy.
âWhatâs that?
âItâs when thereâs a positive result, there was implantation, but it might not be viable. Still, fingers crossed, this is the best result weâve had so far.
âOK, Iâll work on it . . .
There was nothing I could do except wait. It snowed all weekend. On Monday morning I woke to find the whitish sea mist had filled the valley. I went for a walk alongthe cliff tops and marveled that the oceanâflat, calmâwas covered in a layer of snow or perhaps had turned entirely to snow. White, gently undulating, all the way to the horizon.
That afternoon the second pregnancy test came back negative. It was as if I were in the path of an oncoming vehicle and just before the moment of impact I vanished. I went to bed and sobbed until I was exhausted. Felt no reprieve, only despair. My snuffling tearsâas a responseâseemed hopelessly inadequate. I was thinking: I will never meet that little person. I didnât move for a long time. Then I called my sister, who offered to come over and collect me. âOh darling,â she said, âIâm so sorry.â My next call was to Dr. Nell. Her tone was measured, kind. I tried to match it.
âIâm six for six fails. What should I do?
âWell, while youâre still giving me blastocysts thereâs a possibility. I donât know how you are financially . . .
âIâm OK. Itâs my mental and physical health thatâs a wreck.
âYes, you always told me this would be your last go. Is it because we got close this time that itâs harder?
âThat positive result threw a spanner in the works. I mean, what are the odds for me? A near miss is still a miss.
âWith a Day 5 blastocyst thereâs a 40 percent chance.
âBut Iâve transferred blastocysts . . . that figure doesnât seem right. Is that for women of all ages?
âYes.
âThen what are the real odds?
âItâs hard to say.
âWhat would you do if you were me?
âI think you should try again and if it doesnât work then thatâs the end. Unless you want to consider a donor egg.
âThatâs not an option for me now.
âWell, Iâd try once more. Why donât you think about it. Give me a call if you have any questions.
My sister was frustrated that the doctor had suggested trying again.
âIf you were in the natural world you wouldnât have even known about that positive result! Itâs only because youâre doing IVF that you even know! You need to find another way to be happy. And if you really want a babythen use a donor egg. Thatâs the only way itâs going to happen for you.
âI donât want a strangerâs egg.
âMy friend got a huge thick file about her South African donor. She knows everything.
âI bet they donât run checks on the background. Anyway, I donât think I could ask a woman poorer than me for her body parts. Makes me uneasy.
âIâd do it for you, when I finish breastfeeding.
âYou would?
âBut only if you build up your strength. You need to be strong to
â75.
âAnd what level would be called a negative pregnancy result? Zero?
âNo, 2.
âIn your experience does someone with as low a level as mine have a viable pregnancy?
âNot usually, but we canât rule it out.
My sister wanted to know the result. I said, âI have a very complex answer to a simple question.â We were in disbelief. She turned to Dr. Google and on a bulletin board found a woman who said she had an initial hCG level of 10.5 and then went on to have a child. Hope .
I called my doctor. Asked for clarification.
âIf we wait over the weekend it will declare itself, we want to see the hCG level rise. Keep up the pessaries.
âWhat would you be happy with, level-wise?
âIâd be happy if it got to 25. But I should let you know it could be a biochemical pregnancy.
âWhatâs that?
âItâs when thereâs a positive result, there was implantation, but it might not be viable. Still, fingers crossed, this is the best result weâve had so far.
âOK, Iâll work on it . . .
There was nothing I could do except wait. It snowed all weekend. On Monday morning I woke to find the whitish sea mist had filled the valley. I went for a walk alongthe cliff tops and marveled that the oceanâflat, calmâwas covered in a layer of snow or perhaps had turned entirely to snow. White, gently undulating, all the way to the horizon.
That afternoon the second pregnancy test came back negative. It was as if I were in the path of an oncoming vehicle and just before the moment of impact I vanished. I went to bed and sobbed until I was exhausted. Felt no reprieve, only despair. My snuffling tearsâas a responseâseemed hopelessly inadequate. I was thinking: I will never meet that little person. I didnât move for a long time. Then I called my sister, who offered to come over and collect me. âOh darling,â she said, âIâm so sorry.â My next call was to Dr. Nell. Her tone was measured, kind. I tried to match it.
âIâm six for six fails. What should I do?
âWell, while youâre still giving me blastocysts thereâs a possibility. I donât know how you are financially . . .
âIâm OK. Itâs my mental and physical health thatâs a wreck.
âYes, you always told me this would be your last go. Is it because we got close this time that itâs harder?
âThat positive result threw a spanner in the works. I mean, what are the odds for me? A near miss is still a miss.
âWith a Day 5 blastocyst thereâs a 40 percent chance.
âBut Iâve transferred blastocysts . . . that figure doesnât seem right. Is that for women of all ages?
âYes.
âThen what are the real odds?
âItâs hard to say.
âWhat would you do if you were me?
âI think you should try again and if it doesnât work then thatâs the end. Unless you want to consider a donor egg.
âThatâs not an option for me now.
âWell, Iâd try once more. Why donât you think about it. Give me a call if you have any questions.
My sister was frustrated that the doctor had suggested trying again.
âIf you were in the natural world you wouldnât have even known about that positive result! Itâs only because youâre doing IVF that you even know! You need to find another way to be happy. And if you really want a babythen use a donor egg. Thatâs the only way itâs going to happen for you.
âI donât want a strangerâs egg.
âMy friend got a huge thick file about her South African donor. She knows everything.
âI bet they donât run checks on the background. Anyway, I donât think I could ask a woman poorer than me for her body parts. Makes me uneasy.
âIâd do it for you, when I finish breastfeeding.
âYou would?
âBut only if you build up your strength. You need to be strong to
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