children were never born when she thought they were going to be. She had possibly the only twelve-month pregnancies in the history of obstetrics. Her return to the labor market was a surprise to us all. It happened one afternoon when she returned from the orthodontist. She and her husband talked it over and they decided that no way could he support two overbites on his salary.
We occasionally talked on the phone (where she answered mechanically, “Brunwilder's Insulation, Kathy speaking”), but I hadn't been to visit her since she returned to work. I didn't know the place.
Just inside the door was a large mirror. Over it was a lettered sign that read STRAIGHT TEETH MEAN SACRIFICE.
The house was decorated in Early Memo. You couldn't see the refrigerator door for the instructions on it.
NOW HEAR THIS. . . . When the floor becomes adhesive, MOP IT.
There is no known navy-blue food. If there is navy-blue food in the refrigerator, it signifies death.
Setting the table is not considered child abuse.
Anyone eating an entire can of albacore white tuna packed in water for a snack must be prepared to work out financial arrangements.
An open refrigerator door and the furnace going at the same time are incompatible.
Look upon one glass carried from your bedroom to the kitchen as “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Today is a new day. Throw away something off the countertop.
The dog's business is everyone's business. Even when you don't see it, clean it up.
In the utility room was another memo:
You are standing in a utility room.
Clothes are washed, dried, and ironed here.
Hand washables left over ten years will be sold.
Spaghetti inside the washer can be traced.
Small brown dots on clothes that smell like a wet possum should be dealt with immediately.
Match every sock with something. Color, texture, and size is not important.
Do not shake; out gym clothes as they trigger the smoke alarm. Process them immediately.
Do not take the chill off the room by turning the iron to the COTTON setting.
One pair of jeans is considered a “mini” load.
Clothes do not have feet. They cannot skip, run, or walk. They must be carried to your respective bedrooms.
The bathroom memo read:
Towels in the bathroom are yellow. REPEAT. Yellow. If they appear in any other color, drop them into the nearest clothes hamper.
A word about gravity. A shampoo bottle when lying on its side with the cap off will eventually empty into the drain. Just because there's 55 pounds of hair in the drain, there is no need to shampoo it.
Flushing is an equal-opportunity job. Simply press finger firmly on the lever and push. If water “runs” longer than 15 hours, jiggle lever gently.
Hair dryers left on and shut up in a drawer serve no purpose. Turn them off.
The management requests you conserve towels. No more than one for hair, one for the right arm, one for the left, and one for the body. Somewhere, there is a war on.
The mystery of disappearing soap has been solved. A discovery made in 1903 revealed soap, when submerged in water, will dissolve.
FIFTY-MINUTE SHOWERS CAUSE ACNE.
After visiting with Stella and Kathy the thought of going home was depressing. My surroundings didn't exactly have the stamp of success written all over them. My meat always overthawed and ran down the stove. There was a mountain of “hand washables” in the utility room with baby sweaters near the bottom. Someone had written in the dust on the coffee table, “For a good time call Leah 555-3049.” I cannot remember when there was a pencil by the phone.
Why didn't I take pride in my work? Homemaking, if you did it right, was just as creative, just as vital, and just as professional as what women were doing outside the home. Besides, it was one of the few jobs left where you could have an urgent bladder and not lose respect.
As for the extra money they made, I could run my home like a business if I tried. Why, I could save thousands of dollars
We occasionally talked on the phone (where she answered mechanically, “Brunwilder's Insulation, Kathy speaking”), but I hadn't been to visit her since she returned to work. I didn't know the place.
Just inside the door was a large mirror. Over it was a lettered sign that read STRAIGHT TEETH MEAN SACRIFICE.
The house was decorated in Early Memo. You couldn't see the refrigerator door for the instructions on it.
NOW HEAR THIS. . . . When the floor becomes adhesive, MOP IT.
There is no known navy-blue food. If there is navy-blue food in the refrigerator, it signifies death.
Setting the table is not considered child abuse.
Anyone eating an entire can of albacore white tuna packed in water for a snack must be prepared to work out financial arrangements.
An open refrigerator door and the furnace going at the same time are incompatible.
Look upon one glass carried from your bedroom to the kitchen as “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Today is a new day. Throw away something off the countertop.
The dog's business is everyone's business. Even when you don't see it, clean it up.
In the utility room was another memo:
You are standing in a utility room.
Clothes are washed, dried, and ironed here.
Hand washables left over ten years will be sold.
Spaghetti inside the washer can be traced.
Small brown dots on clothes that smell like a wet possum should be dealt with immediately.
Match every sock with something. Color, texture, and size is not important.
Do not shake; out gym clothes as they trigger the smoke alarm. Process them immediately.
Do not take the chill off the room by turning the iron to the COTTON setting.
One pair of jeans is considered a “mini” load.
Clothes do not have feet. They cannot skip, run, or walk. They must be carried to your respective bedrooms.
The bathroom memo read:
Towels in the bathroom are yellow. REPEAT. Yellow. If they appear in any other color, drop them into the nearest clothes hamper.
A word about gravity. A shampoo bottle when lying on its side with the cap off will eventually empty into the drain. Just because there's 55 pounds of hair in the drain, there is no need to shampoo it.
Flushing is an equal-opportunity job. Simply press finger firmly on the lever and push. If water “runs” longer than 15 hours, jiggle lever gently.
Hair dryers left on and shut up in a drawer serve no purpose. Turn them off.
The management requests you conserve towels. No more than one for hair, one for the right arm, one for the left, and one for the body. Somewhere, there is a war on.
The mystery of disappearing soap has been solved. A discovery made in 1903 revealed soap, when submerged in water, will dissolve.
FIFTY-MINUTE SHOWERS CAUSE ACNE.
After visiting with Stella and Kathy the thought of going home was depressing. My surroundings didn't exactly have the stamp of success written all over them. My meat always overthawed and ran down the stove. There was a mountain of “hand washables” in the utility room with baby sweaters near the bottom. Someone had written in the dust on the coffee table, “For a good time call Leah 555-3049.” I cannot remember when there was a pencil by the phone.
Why didn't I take pride in my work? Homemaking, if you did it right, was just as creative, just as vital, and just as professional as what women were doing outside the home. Besides, it was one of the few jobs left where you could have an urgent bladder and not lose respect.
As for the extra money they made, I could run my home like a business if I tried. Why, I could save thousands of dollars
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