Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max, Maddox Page A

with a girl in a white, dressy outfit:
    PWJ “What are you supposed to be?”
    WoodNymph “A goddess.”
    PWJ “You should tell people you are a wood nymph. Did you ever read mythology? Mortals who hooked up with goddesses always came to rather unpleasant ends.”
    WoodNymph “Well, we wouldn’t want that happening, would we?”
    His sister had earlier made him promise not to go home with WoodNymph, and he had agreed. Well, WoodNymph convinced him to walk her to her car, parked on a major street. On the way there heremembered that he was a smart lawyer who could parse his logic and still get what he wanted. He had promised not to go home with WoodNymph. He said nothing about hooking up with her in her car.
    He started kissing her neck, she gave him a lap dance, and things started going really well… until the passing cars started honking. That’s when she realized she was standing outside her car on a busy intersection with her shirt up to her chin, bra undone, with a guy’s hands down her pants, while she was reaching back around with his dick in her hand.
    For some reason this embarrassed her. She got in the car—shirt still up—and sped off.
    Credit
    I found Credit completely fucked-in-half drunk, to the point where he might have qualified as dead in several states. He was sitting next to a very, very unattractive girl in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit:
    Credit “You better watch out. I’m a red belt in tae kwon do.”
    Fattie “Oh, yeah? I’m a third-degree black belt.”
    Credit “I don’t believe you.”
    Fattie “I’ll count to twenty in Korean.”
    Credit “I’d rather you broke my neck and left me for dead than continue this conversation.”
    She actually started counting in Korean. I know a little Korean, because in boarding school I tutored all the FOB Koreans in English and chemistry. In return, they gave me bowls of kimchi noodles and taught me a little Korean. So when I say she had a GOOD accent, I know what I’m talking about. This wasn’t some bullshit she learned off the internet. Ugly or not, a white girl counting in Korean intrigued me:
    Tucker “How the fuck do you know Korean?”
    Fattie “I work in intelligence. Korean is my specialty.”
    Tucker “Intelligence? For who?”
    Fattie “The NSA.”
    Tucker “You work for the NSA? Get the fuck out of here, you do not.”
    She showed me her government ID card. I can’t remember if it said NSA on it or not, but I don’t think it did, because I still didn’t believe her. I called one of my friends who knows about these things and asked him how I could confirm this. He gave me a question to ask her, something I can’t remember and made no fucking sense to me at the time. Her answer, which also made no sense to me, sold him, though, “She’s a legit spook.”
    Holy shit. Fattie works for the National Security Agency! That is the largest spy agency in the world, five TIMES bigger than the CIA. “Fuck a spy” is on my Sexual To-Do List, directly after “Fuck a midget.” I’ve hit the jackpot!
    Except for one thing—she was not attractive. On a scale of 1 to 10, she should have hung herself. Her body looked like a nesting doll made of owl pellets. She did not have a redeeming physical quality about her, maybe aside from her vagina, if in fact she had one of those.
    It quickly became obvious she would fuck me. And I desperately wanted to fuck a spy. But she was so unattractive… I almost could not look at her. Seriously, some of the women I’ve fucked should have THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY stamped on them, but if I fucked her, she’d be the worst. EVER.
    I didn’t know what to do. Since my friends were around and would see me leave with her, I would not be able to disassociate the memory and pretend she was hot when I told them the “I fucked a spy” story later on. But this might be my only chance to mark spy off my list. I needed advice. I went to the bar and discussed my options:
    PWJ “Dude, not good. Not good at