Assholes by Aaron James Page A

As Epictetus explains, “It is throughclear thinking that we are able to properly direct our will, stick with our true purpose, and discover the connections we have to others and the duties that follow from those relationships.” 10 As we might put it, we are to seek
self-clarification
. We might start by mindfully considering how we are now feeling; what we are tempted to strive for; what seems difficult to let go of; and what the alternative thoughts, feelings, and plans would be. We then consider which reactions are ultimately just and worthwhile, settle upon that course, and stay with it. If a goal such as
getting the asshole to listen
or
teaching him the error of his ways
is tempting but unachievable or unworthy, we first identify that we are indeed, right now, drawn to acting for the sake of that particular end. Without self-judgment, we then let go of that particular goal and adopt a more worthy and more achievable aim, such as upholding our rights or the rights of others in a public way, without expecting the asshole to listen or change.
    The possibility of self-clarification helps explain why we do not have to completely avoid the asshole, which we earlier said was often too costly. It can easily seem that, in cooperating with the asshole at all, one becomes complicit in one’s own exploitation—a sucker—by sustaining the cooperative interactions the asshole takes advantage of. But this is not inevitable: one can cooperate on a footing of self-respect as long as one cooperates
on one’s own terms
. One might allow oneself to have a conversation with the asshole, for instance, but without giving him the openness or the time that one would give to a friend or a nice stranger in a coffee shop. Such terms are
one’s own
when they reflect one’s own clearheaded judgment about the sortsof engagements that are, for one’s own reasons, worthwhile. If you have a light chat with the asshole because you think this helps to uphold a tone of civility at work, then, as long as you believe that
upholding civility is worthwhile
, you are not necessarily being co-opted into the asshole’s normal ways—even as you may well be supporting one general form of cooperation that the asshole cheats.
    We have said that one shouldn’t try to get the asshole to listen. But now it might seem that this
could
be worth trying for. If one can cooperate with the asshole, why not at least
try
to get the asshole to eventually change? We usually won’t know that
this
asshole won’t give us the recognition we are owed. He is resistant—he is an asshole—but he might well budge, and there is always room for hope, perhaps against hope, that his walls will come down. Perhaps a failed stratagem will work the next time. Perhaps some new tack will get through. Perhaps persistent, patient resistance will eventually pay off. Shouldn’t we at least then try? Even if it failed, wouldn’t such an effort be worthwhile?
    We suggest not, for reasons our initial counsel of productivity provided: for many of us as regards most assholes, the appropriate maxim is: “Don’t waste your time.” To adopt asshole reform as one’s personal cause may well be fruitless. It will invariably mean forgoing more valuable things one could be doing instead, things such as listening to music, having coffee with a friend, or helping the poor. Add to that the persistent frustrations and struggle to stave off despair, and asshole reform will not make a lot of sense. To be sure, for some of us and some assholes, the cause might be sensible or indeed the only choice. Perhaps the asshole is one’s husband or the father of one’s child. Here Stoic wisdom suggests biding one’s time and devising a cunningplan, a plan that finds a way of getting through while not simply enabling the asshole—all while steadily reminding oneself that success is ultimately not within one’s power. For those in this difficult position, something more useful than a philosophical book about