set of tables they’d cordoned off for our party and plonked down. Me, Natasha, Laura and Mam were all dressed to kill. It was ages since we’d all been somewhere, and Mam was more than willing to get us pissed on her dinnerlady wages. We swanned about in different colours: me purple, Natasha in silver, Laura peachy-orange, and Mam in a new black number. I learnt in English no words rhyme with purple, silver or orange, but it didn’t spoil it. There were tons of Natasha’s friends already sat at the table, and I knew it would be fun times when they started cackling and howling as we all downed drinks. Mam didn’t want me going too mad because it was a school night, but as soon as she got tipsy she was practically forcing the drinks down my neck.
Stripper’s coming at half-eight, then we’ve got taxis for Time at tenish, one of Natasha’s mates said to her; I didn’t recognise all of them, but it was nice to see loads of people there. I guessed a lot of the girls had been to school with her, or worked with her in the pound shop or One-Stop or the Top Shop. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to invite Debbie or Rachel or Jen or anyone like that, but I liked the idea of spending the night with just my family. I wasn’t sure who invited the old men in the corner, though; they looked identical in brown and grey workshirts, slurping beers and black lagers while their eyes popped out at us. Natasha had a mission for the hen night (1 = get ten guys’ phone numbers, 2 = blow up ten guys’ condoms), but she’d get nowhere in here. The place smelled a little bit like vasectomies. Drinks were only about a pound, and we gradually got sillier as the karaoke machine spun the colour lights. A few girls I didn’t know and one of our cousins from our dad’s side got up to wail a few songs, but most of the night me and Laura just sat and whispered to each other and kept well out of it. Mam and her dinnerlady pals had done the buffet, and some of the old blokes tried to tax it while we tucked into the ham buns and those tiny sausage rolls and cheese-on-sticks. It was gorgeous, and I was famished. My head was light as air and I felt embarrassed for the men trying to flirt with us in the blacklight. I had all my defences down and my mouth full.
Nice to see some young ladies in here for once, one of them said to me; he was about fifty with scruffy hair and almost a full beard. I smiled, then moved away discreetly but he added, So youse are staying all night?
Naw, I don’t know, I replied, but I could’ve just said we were going to Time.
So do you have a fella then? the guy carried on, gobbling up a few Pringles.
No, I snapped. I looked him in the eye and took a bite of a chipolata, then added, I’m only thirteen.
I thought that’d scare him off, but he sort of chuckled and went, Well that’s alright by me. Maybe you come and sit on my knee later on?
I blinked and toddled off. I hoped to the Lord he was joking. Back in the corner we had more Archers and Cokes on the table, and we scoffed loads and drank ourselves to bits while a stripper jigged about. He was supposed to be a fireman but he didn’t have the scorch marks. I kept out of trouble by sitting between Mam and Laura – a few girls on the other side of the table got writhed against and got bits of uniform round their necks. I just laughed. Natasha naturally had to rub baby oil into the stripper and squirt squirty-cream on his tail – he had an amazing job really. Everyone was shrieking and I got blurry eyes from all the joy and drinks. When the stripper finished his routine he knocked around for a couple lagers – he was from either Berwick Hills or Pallister, and Natasha got his phone number for her mission thing. I was feeling extremely pissed by nine o’clock, and me and Mam ended up rambling about boys and school stuff while everyone went all over the place. Waking up in the morning was going to be disgraceful.
The main thing is just enjoy your life, Mam
Stripper’s coming at half-eight, then we’ve got taxis for Time at tenish, one of Natasha’s mates said to her; I didn’t recognise all of them, but it was nice to see loads of people there. I guessed a lot of the girls had been to school with her, or worked with her in the pound shop or One-Stop or the Top Shop. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to invite Debbie or Rachel or Jen or anyone like that, but I liked the idea of spending the night with just my family. I wasn’t sure who invited the old men in the corner, though; they looked identical in brown and grey workshirts, slurping beers and black lagers while their eyes popped out at us. Natasha had a mission for the hen night (1 = get ten guys’ phone numbers, 2 = blow up ten guys’ condoms), but she’d get nowhere in here. The place smelled a little bit like vasectomies. Drinks were only about a pound, and we gradually got sillier as the karaoke machine spun the colour lights. A few girls I didn’t know and one of our cousins from our dad’s side got up to wail a few songs, but most of the night me and Laura just sat and whispered to each other and kept well out of it. Mam and her dinnerlady pals had done the buffet, and some of the old blokes tried to tax it while we tucked into the ham buns and those tiny sausage rolls and cheese-on-sticks. It was gorgeous, and I was famished. My head was light as air and I felt embarrassed for the men trying to flirt with us in the blacklight. I had all my defences down and my mouth full.
Nice to see some young ladies in here for once, one of them said to me; he was about fifty with scruffy hair and almost a full beard. I smiled, then moved away discreetly but he added, So youse are staying all night?
Naw, I don’t know, I replied, but I could’ve just said we were going to Time.
So do you have a fella then? the guy carried on, gobbling up a few Pringles.
No, I snapped. I looked him in the eye and took a bite of a chipolata, then added, I’m only thirteen.
I thought that’d scare him off, but he sort of chuckled and went, Well that’s alright by me. Maybe you come and sit on my knee later on?
I blinked and toddled off. I hoped to the Lord he was joking. Back in the corner we had more Archers and Cokes on the table, and we scoffed loads and drank ourselves to bits while a stripper jigged about. He was supposed to be a fireman but he didn’t have the scorch marks. I kept out of trouble by sitting between Mam and Laura – a few girls on the other side of the table got writhed against and got bits of uniform round their necks. I just laughed. Natasha naturally had to rub baby oil into the stripper and squirt squirty-cream on his tail – he had an amazing job really. Everyone was shrieking and I got blurry eyes from all the joy and drinks. When the stripper finished his routine he knocked around for a couple lagers – he was from either Berwick Hills or Pallister, and Natasha got his phone number for her mission thing. I was feeling extremely pissed by nine o’clock, and me and Mam ended up rambling about boys and school stuff while everyone went all over the place. Waking up in the morning was going to be disgraceful.
The main thing is just enjoy your life, Mam
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