scoop. I tip my cap. Talk about an “Aha!” moment for you guys, huh?
I don’t have time to go through the whole story, but I’ll try to answer some of your questions. Truthfully, I don’t use words like “omnipotent,” “divine,” or “all-knowing.” Those are labels others put on Me. If people want to capitalize pronouns when they talk about Me and fall to their knees when they address Me, that’s up to them. It’s not something I ever asked for. Between you and Me, I find it a little weird.
First things first: there’s no such thing as polytheism, my friends. We can just put that to bed right now. I’m the only God. Sure, there are self-proclaimed “gods” out there, but it’s like a philosophy PhD who wants to be called “doctor.” If you can’t take out my spleen, you ain’t a doctor there, Kierkegaard. Same thing with gods. Everyone knows the real deal: there’s Me and then there’s everybody else.
Hey, can I clear up one thing? And please put this in your study. The Ten Commandments? Not Me. Moses was freelancing on that one. If I need a job done right, I don’t outsource it. Don’t get Me wrong, Mo blew up the spot on Mt. Sinai—the hand stonework on the tablets alone must have cost him a fortune—but I wasn’t behind it. He went rogue. You see, I’m not one of these Gods who needs credit for everything. I mean, I control the tides of the planet’s oceans and you don’t see Me running around like My hair’s on fire correcting people who claim the moon dictates tidal patterns.
I’m going to have to run into makeup in a minute here. I’ve got a woman backstage with a condition that turns her feet into pigs’ hooves after sundown. She and her husband are coming on to talk about their ordeal. Now here’s the hell of it: I’m God. I probably gave her that freaky disease. You start to lose track. And now I have to sit there and watch her cry about it. The guilt gets to you sometimes. Thank God I’ve got Kate Hudson for the second half of the show to cleanse the palate! Wait, did I just thank myself?! Anyway, let me dive into a few more of your questions before I split.
1. You asked about Jesus Christ. Let Me answer that with a line from Michael Jackson’s hit single “Billie Jean”: the kid is not my son. Not even related. The hero worship has spiraled wildly out of control over the last couple thousand years. I haven’t had the heart to tell everyone he was just a hippy dude from Nazareth who spent his days burning incense and playing with devil sticks.
2. On the whole Book of Genesis thing: as much as I’d like to say I have some David Copperfield magic wand I waved to bring about Heaven, Earth, water, and light, it’s just not the way it went down. “Let there be light” makes a nice bumper sticker, but I never said it. The Earth was there when I got here. No idea where it came from, although I’m starting to come around on the whole Big Bang thing. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, I guess now you know how David Copperfield’s tricks work. A magician’s big secret? ME! Although I have nothing to do with David Blaine. That is not magic. I don’t get it. And, for the record, I feel horrible about the Siegfried and Roy thing.
3. World War II. I knew you’d ask about that. I’ve replayed this one in my head a million times. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pearl Harbor, two atomic bombs, and, what, 60 million dead? If I had it to do over again, I’d probably change some things, but I’m a “no regrets” kind of God. Let’s just say I keep that one off the résumé and hope nobody asks. The only upside is that it makes everyone forget the First World War. That wasn’t exactly my finest hour either.
Hey, how come no one ever talks about the Peloponnesian Wars? Everybody’s so hung up on the twentieth-century bloodshed they forget Athens and Sparta had some pretty good scraps back in the ancient world. Everybody goes straight to Hitler. It’s really frustrating.
I don’t have time to go through the whole story, but I’ll try to answer some of your questions. Truthfully, I don’t use words like “omnipotent,” “divine,” or “all-knowing.” Those are labels others put on Me. If people want to capitalize pronouns when they talk about Me and fall to their knees when they address Me, that’s up to them. It’s not something I ever asked for. Between you and Me, I find it a little weird.
First things first: there’s no such thing as polytheism, my friends. We can just put that to bed right now. I’m the only God. Sure, there are self-proclaimed “gods” out there, but it’s like a philosophy PhD who wants to be called “doctor.” If you can’t take out my spleen, you ain’t a doctor there, Kierkegaard. Same thing with gods. Everyone knows the real deal: there’s Me and then there’s everybody else.
Hey, can I clear up one thing? And please put this in your study. The Ten Commandments? Not Me. Moses was freelancing on that one. If I need a job done right, I don’t outsource it. Don’t get Me wrong, Mo blew up the spot on Mt. Sinai—the hand stonework on the tablets alone must have cost him a fortune—but I wasn’t behind it. He went rogue. You see, I’m not one of these Gods who needs credit for everything. I mean, I control the tides of the planet’s oceans and you don’t see Me running around like My hair’s on fire correcting people who claim the moon dictates tidal patterns.
I’m going to have to run into makeup in a minute here. I’ve got a woman backstage with a condition that turns her feet into pigs’ hooves after sundown. She and her husband are coming on to talk about their ordeal. Now here’s the hell of it: I’m God. I probably gave her that freaky disease. You start to lose track. And now I have to sit there and watch her cry about it. The guilt gets to you sometimes. Thank God I’ve got Kate Hudson for the second half of the show to cleanse the palate! Wait, did I just thank myself?! Anyway, let me dive into a few more of your questions before I split.
1. You asked about Jesus Christ. Let Me answer that with a line from Michael Jackson’s hit single “Billie Jean”: the kid is not my son. Not even related. The hero worship has spiraled wildly out of control over the last couple thousand years. I haven’t had the heart to tell everyone he was just a hippy dude from Nazareth who spent his days burning incense and playing with devil sticks.
2. On the whole Book of Genesis thing: as much as I’d like to say I have some David Copperfield magic wand I waved to bring about Heaven, Earth, water, and light, it’s just not the way it went down. “Let there be light” makes a nice bumper sticker, but I never said it. The Earth was there when I got here. No idea where it came from, although I’m starting to come around on the whole Big Bang thing. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, I guess now you know how David Copperfield’s tricks work. A magician’s big secret? ME! Although I have nothing to do with David Blaine. That is not magic. I don’t get it. And, for the record, I feel horrible about the Siegfried and Roy thing.
3. World War II. I knew you’d ask about that. I’ve replayed this one in my head a million times. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pearl Harbor, two atomic bombs, and, what, 60 million dead? If I had it to do over again, I’d probably change some things, but I’m a “no regrets” kind of God. Let’s just say I keep that one off the résumé and hope nobody asks. The only upside is that it makes everyone forget the First World War. That wasn’t exactly my finest hour either.
Hey, how come no one ever talks about the Peloponnesian Wars? Everybody’s so hung up on the twentieth-century bloodshed they forget Athens and Sparta had some pretty good scraps back in the ancient world. Everybody goes straight to Hitler. It’s really frustrating.
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