really did get eight arms, sheâd be scarier than mummies, vampires and zombies all put together! Awesome.
Looking Down Plugholes
N ext day and itâs lunchtime, and weâre all sitting round in the school hall. Our hall gets used for everything like concerts and football practice and assemblies, so thereâs tons of stuff round the sides like ropes for climbing up andfolded tables and a plinky plonky piano and a projector thing that has a sign saying CHILDREN MUST NOT TOUCH but thatâs OK as it looks dead boring. Itâs not like itâs a playstation or a chocolate bar machine or bubble blower is it?
There are also lots of piles of stacked up chairs. Youâre only meant to have five chairs stacked up at the most but Motley the caretaker likes to make things more exciting.
That morning he had made a giant wobbly pile of NINE chairs! I expect the world record for stacking chairs is something like twenty-two or maybe even twenty-three because if the pile got any higher then youâd need to have a hole in the ceiling. But nine is pretty good for Motley, it might even be his personal best so letâs have a round of applause for Motley clap clap clap.
So anyway, me and Ivy were just quietly sandwiching away when CRASH . Rory Bloggs had been running and slipped on a biscuit wrapper and smashed his big head into Motleyâs nine stacking chairs which all fell on him ha ha. He was lying on the floor groaning and clutching his knee. Of course me and Ivy ignored him, but then something really bad happened. Miss Barking turned up.
Miss Barking has got short black hair and big glasses like telly screens and she always carries a thick folder full of boring leaflets and forms to fill in. We hardly ever see her in school because sheâs the deputy headteacher and sheâs always away learning about
issues.
Issues can be anything so long as itâs boring and wastes time. Once she spent three days in a hotel learning about
nutritional issues
, then she came back to give us all a talkabout not eating crisps for breakfast. Honestly, she shouldnât go giving us ideas. The very next morning Martha swapped her cornflakes for a monster packet of cheese and onion crisps and said it was great, although you have to eat them fast before the milk makes them go floppy.
Miss Barking stared at Rory then she stared at the biscuit wrapper, and then what does she do? Does she get the first aid kit?No. Does she call the ambulance? No. Does she have him stretchered off into a waiting helicopter like they do in films? NO! She opens her folder and starts hunting for a special biscuit-wrapper-accident form.
âI
knew
this would happen one day,â she moaned at Rory, who was still on the floor making a big fuss. âI told Mrs Twelvetrees that all biscuit wrappers should be removed by trained members of staff in a secureenvironment, but does she ever listen to me?â
That didnât get an answer. Partly because it was such a silly question but mainly because nobody was listening. She never learns.
Rory was just about to make an even bigger fuss but he was in our class, so Ivy and me realised we better do something. We pulled him up to his feet and held him by the arms.
âHeâs fine,â I said.
âBut I must take him to the office to be checked,â said Miss Barking. âHeâll need an accident report, and then heâll have to go home.â
âNo way,â said Ivy shaking her head. âHe just needs a quick run round the playground to loosen up, donât you Rory?â
Rory was shaking his head stupidly.
âOh, so you
donât
need a run?â said Ivy. âThatâs good, isnât it Miss Barking? He must be better already.â
Good one Ivy! The two of us dragged Rory away from Miss Barking. He was pretending to limp because he thought weâd feel sorry for him. He thought wrong.
âWalk properly,â hissed Ivy. âSheâs
Looking Down Plugholes
N ext day and itâs lunchtime, and weâre all sitting round in the school hall. Our hall gets used for everything like concerts and football practice and assemblies, so thereâs tons of stuff round the sides like ropes for climbing up andfolded tables and a plinky plonky piano and a projector thing that has a sign saying CHILDREN MUST NOT TOUCH but thatâs OK as it looks dead boring. Itâs not like itâs a playstation or a chocolate bar machine or bubble blower is it?
There are also lots of piles of stacked up chairs. Youâre only meant to have five chairs stacked up at the most but Motley the caretaker likes to make things more exciting.
That morning he had made a giant wobbly pile of NINE chairs! I expect the world record for stacking chairs is something like twenty-two or maybe even twenty-three because if the pile got any higher then youâd need to have a hole in the ceiling. But nine is pretty good for Motley, it might even be his personal best so letâs have a round of applause for Motley clap clap clap.
So anyway, me and Ivy were just quietly sandwiching away when CRASH . Rory Bloggs had been running and slipped on a biscuit wrapper and smashed his big head into Motleyâs nine stacking chairs which all fell on him ha ha. He was lying on the floor groaning and clutching his knee. Of course me and Ivy ignored him, but then something really bad happened. Miss Barking turned up.
Miss Barking has got short black hair and big glasses like telly screens and she always carries a thick folder full of boring leaflets and forms to fill in. We hardly ever see her in school because sheâs the deputy headteacher and sheâs always away learning about
issues.
Issues can be anything so long as itâs boring and wastes time. Once she spent three days in a hotel learning about
nutritional issues
, then she came back to give us all a talkabout not eating crisps for breakfast. Honestly, she shouldnât go giving us ideas. The very next morning Martha swapped her cornflakes for a monster packet of cheese and onion crisps and said it was great, although you have to eat them fast before the milk makes them go floppy.
Miss Barking stared at Rory then she stared at the biscuit wrapper, and then what does she do? Does she get the first aid kit?No. Does she call the ambulance? No. Does she have him stretchered off into a waiting helicopter like they do in films? NO! She opens her folder and starts hunting for a special biscuit-wrapper-accident form.
âI
knew
this would happen one day,â she moaned at Rory, who was still on the floor making a big fuss. âI told Mrs Twelvetrees that all biscuit wrappers should be removed by trained members of staff in a secureenvironment, but does she ever listen to me?â
That didnât get an answer. Partly because it was such a silly question but mainly because nobody was listening. She never learns.
Rory was just about to make an even bigger fuss but he was in our class, so Ivy and me realised we better do something. We pulled him up to his feet and held him by the arms.
âHeâs fine,â I said.
âBut I must take him to the office to be checked,â said Miss Barking. âHeâll need an accident report, and then heâll have to go home.â
âNo way,â said Ivy shaking her head. âHe just needs a quick run round the playground to loosen up, donât you Rory?â
Rory was shaking his head stupidly.
âOh, so you
donât
need a run?â said Ivy. âThatâs good, isnât it Miss Barking? He must be better already.â
Good one Ivy! The two of us dragged Rory away from Miss Barking. He was pretending to limp because he thought weâd feel sorry for him. He thought wrong.
âWalk properly,â hissed Ivy. âSheâs