awful long –’
‘And by that time she had Francis. He was her father. And he has been very good to her. We were a family. Are a family.’
‘I don’t understand –’
‘Will didn’t
deserve
to know her.’
The words settled in the air between us.
‘He was an arsehole. Okay? Will Traynor was a selfish arsehole.’ She pushed a strand of hair back from her face. ‘Obviously I didn’t know what had happened to him. That came as a complete shock. But I can’t honestly say it would have made a difference.’
It took me a moment to find my voice. ‘It would have made every difference. To him.’
She looked at me sharply.
‘Will killed himself,’ I said, and my voice cracked a little. ‘Will ended his life because he couldn’t see any reason to go on. If he’d known he had a daughter –’
She stood up. ‘
Oh
, no. You don’t pin that on me, Miss Whoever-you-are. I am not going to be made to feel responsible for that man’s suicide. You think my life isn’t complicated enough? Don’t you dare come here judging me. If you’d had to cope with half of what I cope with … No. Will Traynor was a horrible man.’
‘Will Traynor was the finest man I ever knew.’
She let her gaze run up and down me. ‘Yes. Well, I can imagine that’s probably true.’
I thought I had never been filled with such an instant dislike for someone.
I had stood to leave when a voice broke into the silence. ‘So my dad really didn’t know about me.’
Lily was standing very still in the doorway. Tanya Houghton-Miller blanched. Then she recovered herself. ‘I was saving you from hurt, Lily. I knew Will very well, and I was not prepared to put either of us through the humiliation of trying to persuade him to be part of a relationship he wouldn’t have wanted.’ She smoothed her hair. ‘And you really must stop this awful eavesdropping habit. You’re likely to get quite the wrong end of the stick.’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I walked to the door as a boy
began shouting upstairs. A plastic truck flew down the stairs and crashed into pieces somewhere below. An anxious face – Filipina? – gazed at me over the banister. I began to walk down the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sorry, Lily. We’ll – perhaps we’ll talk some other time.’
‘But you’ve hardly told me anything about my dad.’
‘He wasn’t your father,’ Tanya Houghton-Miller said. ‘Francis has done more for you since you were little than Will ever would have done.’
‘Francis is not my
dad
,’ Lily roared.
Another crash from upstairs, and a woman’s voice, shouting in a language I didn’t understand. A toy machine-gun sent tinny blasts into the air. Tanya put her hands to her head. ‘I can’t cope with this. I simply can’t cope.’
Lily caught up with me at the door. ‘Can I stay with you?’
‘What?’
‘At your flat? I can’t stay here.’
‘Lily, I don’t think –’
‘Just for tonight. Please.’
‘Oh, be my guest. Have her stay with you for a day or two. She’s just delightful company.’ Tanya waved a hand. ‘Polite, helpful, loving. A dream to have around!’ Her face hardened. ‘Let’s see how that works out. You know she drinks? And smokes in the house? And that she was suspended from school? She’s told you all this, has she?’
Lily seemed almost bored, as if she had heard this a million times before.
‘She didn’t even bother turning up for her exams. We’ve done everything possible for her. Counsellors, the best schools, private tutors. Francis has treated her as if she were his own. And she just throws it all back in our faces. My husband is having a very difficult time at the bank right now, and
the boys have their issues, and she doesn’t give us an inch. She never has.’
‘How would you even
know
? I’ve been with nannies half my life. When the boys were born, you sent me to boarding-school.’
‘I couldn’t cope with all of you! I did what I
‘And by that time she had Francis. He was her father. And he has been very good to her. We were a family. Are a family.’
‘I don’t understand –’
‘Will didn’t
deserve
to know her.’
The words settled in the air between us.
‘He was an arsehole. Okay? Will Traynor was a selfish arsehole.’ She pushed a strand of hair back from her face. ‘Obviously I didn’t know what had happened to him. That came as a complete shock. But I can’t honestly say it would have made a difference.’
It took me a moment to find my voice. ‘It would have made every difference. To him.’
She looked at me sharply.
‘Will killed himself,’ I said, and my voice cracked a little. ‘Will ended his life because he couldn’t see any reason to go on. If he’d known he had a daughter –’
She stood up. ‘
Oh
, no. You don’t pin that on me, Miss Whoever-you-are. I am not going to be made to feel responsible for that man’s suicide. You think my life isn’t complicated enough? Don’t you dare come here judging me. If you’d had to cope with half of what I cope with … No. Will Traynor was a horrible man.’
‘Will Traynor was the finest man I ever knew.’
She let her gaze run up and down me. ‘Yes. Well, I can imagine that’s probably true.’
I thought I had never been filled with such an instant dislike for someone.
I had stood to leave when a voice broke into the silence. ‘So my dad really didn’t know about me.’
Lily was standing very still in the doorway. Tanya Houghton-Miller blanched. Then she recovered herself. ‘I was saving you from hurt, Lily. I knew Will very well, and I was not prepared to put either of us through the humiliation of trying to persuade him to be part of a relationship he wouldn’t have wanted.’ She smoothed her hair. ‘And you really must stop this awful eavesdropping habit. You’re likely to get quite the wrong end of the stick.’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I walked to the door as a boy
began shouting upstairs. A plastic truck flew down the stairs and crashed into pieces somewhere below. An anxious face – Filipina? – gazed at me over the banister. I began to walk down the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sorry, Lily. We’ll – perhaps we’ll talk some other time.’
‘But you’ve hardly told me anything about my dad.’
‘He wasn’t your father,’ Tanya Houghton-Miller said. ‘Francis has done more for you since you were little than Will ever would have done.’
‘Francis is not my
dad
,’ Lily roared.
Another crash from upstairs, and a woman’s voice, shouting in a language I didn’t understand. A toy machine-gun sent tinny blasts into the air. Tanya put her hands to her head. ‘I can’t cope with this. I simply can’t cope.’
Lily caught up with me at the door. ‘Can I stay with you?’
‘What?’
‘At your flat? I can’t stay here.’
‘Lily, I don’t think –’
‘Just for tonight. Please.’
‘Oh, be my guest. Have her stay with you for a day or two. She’s just delightful company.’ Tanya waved a hand. ‘Polite, helpful, loving. A dream to have around!’ Her face hardened. ‘Let’s see how that works out. You know she drinks? And smokes in the house? And that she was suspended from school? She’s told you all this, has she?’
Lily seemed almost bored, as if she had heard this a million times before.
‘She didn’t even bother turning up for her exams. We’ve done everything possible for her. Counsellors, the best schools, private tutors. Francis has treated her as if she were his own. And she just throws it all back in our faces. My husband is having a very difficult time at the bank right now, and
the boys have their issues, and she doesn’t give us an inch. She never has.’
‘How would you even
know
? I’ve been with nannies half my life. When the boys were born, you sent me to boarding-school.’
‘I couldn’t cope with all of you! I did what I
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