Adventures in Funeral Crashing by Milda Harris Page B

grabbed the shortest skirt I owned in
fact, trying to be a little more sexy, at least. And, I thought my
hair looked okay. At least it had in the bathroom mirror I managed
to look into before last period. I was hoping the bags under my
eyes had dissipated since this morning. There was no more cover up
I could put on them without looking super powdery.
    “Hey, Kait,” Ethan said as I approached
him.
    My stomach exploded with butterflies, but
somehow I managed to say, “Hey.”
    Ethan opened the car door for me and I felt
my legs wobble a little as I got into Ethan’s car. What was wrong
with me? We were on a mission! Yet, I do admit that all of a sudden
this sort of felt like a date. It was the whole chivalry thing, I
thought.
    I felt a little, no a lot, nervous all of a
sudden. This was funeral crashing with a twist. I really hoped
something would come out of it – major evidence or at least a clue
would be nice. And, as we drove out of the parking lot, I also
secretly hoped that someone, hopefully Ariel, would see me driving
away in Ethan Ripley’s car.
     
     
     
     

Chapter 11: Funeral Dating
    “I just threw
up chunks,” I told Anne via my cell phone as we drove to Worth
Hills Funeral Home, where Vanessa Martin’s wake was being held.
Anne sympathized as soon as I said the word chunks and told me not
to come in. I didn’t ditch much, but I know how even saying the
word chunks makes me feel, so I knew it would work.
    I was ditching work for the funeral. I would
have given Anne more warning, but since I went to school with three
other Palos Video Store employees, I couldn’t afford to. I did not
have their loyalty. Again, I was risking my cushy part time job for
the sake of Ethan Ripley. It felt worth it, though.
    We got to Vanessa’s funeral a little after 4
pm and I wasn’t surprised to find that Vanessa Martin’s funeral was
a somber affair. How could it not be? She was another nineteen year
old from Laurel Community College that had overdosed on heroin.
Only, I got the impression that her parents were trying to keep
everyone from talking about the h-word, but people were gossiping
about it in hushed tones anyway.
    As we walked into the wake, I suddenly felt
Ethan’s hand wrap around mine. I felt my pulse speed up at the
touch of his hand. I hoped my palms wouldn’t start sweating or
anything really gross like that. My stomach started doing flips as
his hand grasped mine a little tighter. Then I felt him looking at
me. Oh yeah, we were supposed to be walking into the wake. I had
completely forgotten what I was doing in the extreme bliss of
holding his hand.
    “You ready?” He asked.
    “Uh-huh,” I managed to mumble, trying to get
my thoughts back into a coherent state.
    It was all Ethan’s idea, not mine, I swear.
He wanted it to seem like we were dating. Yes dating, again, all
his idea, although I admit to being really happy about having his
warm, rugged hand clasped in mine…even if it was all just a
charade. I mean, it felt real enough even if he wasn’t doing it
because he like liked me. I would take what I could get. It made
sense actually, that we should be dating if we came to the funeral
together. Then we only needed one reason for being there…instead of
two.
    The heart of funeral crashing is the entire
experience. You need to throw yourself into the funeral, but not
too much. After all, the goal is to crash the funeral without
getting caught. One of the main things to do is to solemnly walk up
to the casket and view the body. If one was a good actor, managing
a tear is perfect. If not, looking sad is definitely enough. Don’t
smile. And, you don’t want to wait and stare into the casket too
long either. This makes any anxious family members think you’re
having some kind of a breakdown and they may get the urge to come
over and hug you. If that happens, you better have a great story
ready. A casual friend doesn’t break down at a funeral and posing
as someone’s bff when you don’t