A Village Feud by Rebecca Shaw Page A

good line in questioning people.
    ‘Excuse me, are you a food inspector or from health and safety? If so I need to see your authorization.’ He put his reading spectacles on and held out his hand.
    Andy muttered something incomprehensible so Tom asked him, ‘I’m waiting. I have a right.’
    ‘No, I’m not. Just whiling away the time until Jimbo comes through.’
    ‘Well, why not have a coffee and sit down in the corner with a magazine. We keep them up to date.’
    ‘I have rights, too. I can look if I want.’
    ‘So you do, but not to give a demonstration of complete disgust at the products we have for sale. I’ll pour you the coffee. Black or white?’
    ‘White, no sugar. Thanks.’
    Despite the ham being in a plastic bag Tom could smell it and felt angry. So he was coming in for a further complaint, then? The coffee was stewed and strong but Tom didn’t care if it poisoned him. Andy Moorhouse deserved it.
    Jimbo came in looking very pleased with himself, and shook hands with the rep, who looked as though he couldn’t make up his mind if the deal he’d come to with Jimbo was to his or Jimbo’s advantage. When the rep left Jimbo turned and spotted Andy neatly perched on a chair drinking coffee and, judging by his face, not enjoying it very much.
    He ignored him for the moment, then gave a demonstration of how clever he had become at manipulating his crutches in confined spaces and eventually arrived in front of Andy, having satisfied himself that all his displays were as immaculate and fresh as it was possible for them to be.
    Andy got to his feet, put his half-empty cup in the waste basket and said boldly, ‘Just the man I’ve come to see.’ He gave Jimbo the ham and said, ‘I kept the receipt. Look, here it is.’
    The receipt appeared genuine enough, dated yesterday, and when Jimbo smelled the ham he could do no other but accept it was tainted, worse, actually going bad. He gave Andy a very serious glare, hoping to make him lower his eyes first in which case Jimbo would know he had a fraudster on his hands.
    But Andy didn’t. He gave stare for stare. Reluctantly Jimbo refunded the money and offered to provide him with a replacement, as he always did.
    ‘Frankly, I don’t know if I want it. It’s right put me off, has this. Only bought yesterday and intending it for our lunch today and when Jenny unwrapped it … well, you can see for yourself. It’s off.’
    ‘Please yourself. I can only offer.’
    ‘Well, I need something in return, especially when I know how hard you work to keep your reputation.’
    Something in the way he said that last remark got Jimbo’s back up, and he retorted, ‘I need people like you like a hole in the head. You’ll do me a good turn if you never come back in here again.’
    ‘But we’d starve if we couldn’t come in here.’
    ‘I doubt it. You’ve got a car, you can go into Culworth and buy your food there.’
    ‘Well, I’ll let everyone know about this. Banned because I’ve brought back food I bought all in good faith. I wonder if it’s legal to ban someone when all they’ve done is bring back tainted food. I could enquire about that. After all, I haven’t been stealing, have I? Well I never. They’ll all hear about this. Does this include Jenny, too?’
    Jimbo paused before he answered but there was something underhand and slimy about this chap which didn’t please him at all and he decided, yes, it included Jenny.
    Andy puffed up like an angry turkey cock. ‘You’ve cooked your goose and not half, Mr Jimbo Charter-Plackett. I’ll let everyone know about this. Everyone. I’ll take the ham in replacement, please, and never darken your door again.’
    Jimbo felt quite cheerful at the prospect until he’d calmed down and realized how much harm this weaselly, vindictive little man could inflict, but the realization didn’t persuade him to change his mind.
    ‘I mean it, Tom, I don’t want him in here again. Ever. He’s getting no more free ham or