baffling is that we have all willingly assumed the roles of inmates. Or rather, outmates, since we aren’t permitted to be ‘in’ past Lisa’s strict curfews. I’m pretty sure this is the wrong way round.
Anyhoo, I didn’t see much amiss with the idea of a quick drink since George and Veronica are regularly to be found in The Keys after work. Not, it seems, on this occasion.
Noel bought the drinks, I had a half of cider, he had a pint, and we sat by the door on the only available and very draughty table. Initially, he continued his line of questioning about various aspects of work, and he was extremely engaged. There’s no doubt that he is bright and he is definitely confident about his prospects for a career in psychology. He is less of a Jungian than me, more Kleinian, more interpretive, but nevertheless, he’s clever, I think. Even a little argumentative when pushed, which I like. We had quite a rewarding wrangle over confidentiality, and he became quite heated:
‘The fact is, Mo, that if I get a kid in front of me who finally opens up and admits he is feeling suicidal tendencies, what am I going to do? Not tell the parents? Or what about criminal activity? Not tell the parents then? Or the police? Or you? It’s bloody difficult …’
It was really invigorating. Great. It was nearly time to leave when the conversation turned to our own families. He seemed amazed that I have been married for twenty-six years. No more amazed than me, I assured him. I genuinely am amazed. Twenty-six years with one man. Even at the altar, when I was happily pledging my whole
life, I didn’t really mean as much as twenty-six years. I suddenly realized that I have been married for more of my life than I haven’t been married. I felt alarming, ferocious waves of degeneration. I have been closing down for more years than I was opening up.
Noel said that he ‘admired’ me for ‘sticking with it through everything’. What ‘everything’ does he mean? He doesn’t know me from Eve. He has had no part whatsoever in my ‘everything’ – yet oddly I was grateful for his appreciation. He can’t possibly know any specifics, can’t possibly. Surely he was being general, meaning my general ‘everything’. That must be what he meant. Yet his comment has stayed with me, and I’m wearing his admiration like a favourite cardi.
I’m still enjoying it, now. Why? Maybe it’s because I don’t feel I’ve been admired for a long time. Not ‘admired’. It’s a professional word, I know it, but it’s taken me a little bit by surprise how quickly I wrapped it round me, how pleased I was to hear it. He’s a sweet chap, Noel. Easy to be around and easy to teach. The time whizzed by and before I could ask him anything about his family, I realized it was late and I’d missed picking Oscar up from chess club. I’ll hear about that for weeks no doubt … pretty sure there will be a monumental lack of ‘admiration’ coming at me from that department.
A Tiny Bit Marvellous
THIRTY-ONE
Dora
Lottie was sooo late coming over this evening, she was supposed to be here at like six or something but she didn’t show up ’til after nine. I could tell Mum was stressing but she put on that fake thing for Lotts, sort of like pretending that our house is some kind of easy-come easy-go sort of place where you can drop in any time you like coz we’re all so relaxed. ‘Open-house’ she called it. That is 108% so not true.
Mum hates people coming over, coz it means she’s got to pretend all evening, and she gets tired from it. She even came up to my room with a tray of hot chocolate and like snacks and stuff … crisps and stuff. She NEVER does that but she was acting like this happens all the time. Yeah she just brings up trays of nice drinks and snacks all the time because, hey y’know, ‘these kids are working sooo hard for their exams’, and like, ‘what is it with all this endless measuring and assessing of kids these days’ –
Anyhoo, I didn’t see much amiss with the idea of a quick drink since George and Veronica are regularly to be found in The Keys after work. Not, it seems, on this occasion.
Noel bought the drinks, I had a half of cider, he had a pint, and we sat by the door on the only available and very draughty table. Initially, he continued his line of questioning about various aspects of work, and he was extremely engaged. There’s no doubt that he is bright and he is definitely confident about his prospects for a career in psychology. He is less of a Jungian than me, more Kleinian, more interpretive, but nevertheless, he’s clever, I think. Even a little argumentative when pushed, which I like. We had quite a rewarding wrangle over confidentiality, and he became quite heated:
‘The fact is, Mo, that if I get a kid in front of me who finally opens up and admits he is feeling suicidal tendencies, what am I going to do? Not tell the parents? Or what about criminal activity? Not tell the parents then? Or the police? Or you? It’s bloody difficult …’
It was really invigorating. Great. It was nearly time to leave when the conversation turned to our own families. He seemed amazed that I have been married for twenty-six years. No more amazed than me, I assured him. I genuinely am amazed. Twenty-six years with one man. Even at the altar, when I was happily pledging my whole
life, I didn’t really mean as much as twenty-six years. I suddenly realized that I have been married for more of my life than I haven’t been married. I felt alarming, ferocious waves of degeneration. I have been closing down for more years than I was opening up.
Noel said that he ‘admired’ me for ‘sticking with it through everything’. What ‘everything’ does he mean? He doesn’t know me from Eve. He has had no part whatsoever in my ‘everything’ – yet oddly I was grateful for his appreciation. He can’t possibly know any specifics, can’t possibly. Surely he was being general, meaning my general ‘everything’. That must be what he meant. Yet his comment has stayed with me, and I’m wearing his admiration like a favourite cardi.
I’m still enjoying it, now. Why? Maybe it’s because I don’t feel I’ve been admired for a long time. Not ‘admired’. It’s a professional word, I know it, but it’s taken me a little bit by surprise how quickly I wrapped it round me, how pleased I was to hear it. He’s a sweet chap, Noel. Easy to be around and easy to teach. The time whizzed by and before I could ask him anything about his family, I realized it was late and I’d missed picking Oscar up from chess club. I’ll hear about that for weeks no doubt … pretty sure there will be a monumental lack of ‘admiration’ coming at me from that department.
A Tiny Bit Marvellous
THIRTY-ONE
Dora
Lottie was sooo late coming over this evening, she was supposed to be here at like six or something but she didn’t show up ’til after nine. I could tell Mum was stressing but she put on that fake thing for Lotts, sort of like pretending that our house is some kind of easy-come easy-go sort of place where you can drop in any time you like coz we’re all so relaxed. ‘Open-house’ she called it. That is 108% so not true.
Mum hates people coming over, coz it means she’s got to pretend all evening, and she gets tired from it. She even came up to my room with a tray of hot chocolate and like snacks and stuff … crisps and stuff. She NEVER does that but she was acting like this happens all the time. Yeah she just brings up trays of nice drinks and snacks all the time because, hey y’know, ‘these kids are working sooo hard for their exams’, and like, ‘what is it with all this endless measuring and assessing of kids these days’ –
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