guilt, Mariam would kneel and pray for forgiveness for these thoughts.
MEANWHILE, a change had come over Rasheed ever since the day at the bathhouse. Most nights when he came home, he hardly talked
anymore. He ate, smoked, went to bed, sometimes came back in the middle of the night for a brief and, of late, quite rough
session of coupling. He was more apt to sulk these days, to fault her cooking, to complain about clutter around the yard or
point out even minor uncleanliness in the house. Occasionally, he took her around town on Fridays, like he used to, but on
the sidewalks he walked quickly and always a few steps ahead of her, without speaking, unmindful of Mariam who almost had
to run to keep up with him. He wasn’t so ready with a laugh on these outings anymore. He didn’t buy her sweets or gifts, didn’t
stop and name places to her as he used to. Her questions seemed to irritate him.
One night, they were sitting in the living room listening to the radio. Winter was passing. The stiff winds that plastered
snow onto the face and made the eyes water had calmed. Silvery fluffs of snow were melting off the branches of tall elms and
would be replaced in a few weeks with stubby, pale green buds. Rasheed was shaking his foot absently to the tabla beat of
a Hamahang song, his eyes crinkled against cigarette smoke.
“Are you angry with me?” Mariam asked.
Rasheed said nothing. The song ended and the news came on. A woman’s voice reported that President Daoud Khan had sent yet
another group of Soviet consultants back to Moscow, to the expected displeasure of the Kremlin.
“I worry that you are angry with me.”
Rasheed sighed.
“Are you?”
His eyes shifted to her. “Why would I be angry?”
“I don’t know, but ever since the baby—”
“Is that the kind of man you take me for, after everything I’ve done for you?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then stop pestering me!”
“I’m sorry. Bebakhsh, Rasheed. I’m sorry.”
He crushed out his cigarette and lit another. He turned up the volume on the radio.
“I’ve been thinking, though,” Mariam said, raising her voice so as to be heard over the music.
Rasheed sighed again, more irritably this time, turned down the volume once more. He rubbed his forehead wearily. “What now?”
“I’ve been thinking, that maybe we should have a proper burial. For the baby, I mean. Just us, a few prayers, nothing more.”
Mariam had been thinking about it for a while. She didn’t want to forget this baby. It didn’t seem right, not to mark this
loss in some way that was permanent.
“What for? It’s idiotic.”
“It would make me feel better, I think.”
“Then you do it,” he said sharply. “I’ve already buried one son. I won’t bury another. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m trying to listen.”
He turned up the volume again, leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
One sunny morning that week, Mariam picked a spot in the yard and dug a hole.
“In the name of Allah and with Allah, and in the name of the messenger of Allah upon whom be the blessings and peace of Allah,”
she said under her breath as her shovel bit into the ground. She placed the suede coat that Rasheed had bought for the baby
in the hole and shoveled dirt over it.
“You make the night to pass into the day and You make the day to pass into the night, and You bring forth the living from
the dead and You bring forth the dead from the living, and You give sustenance to whom You please without measure.”
She patted the dirt with the back of the shovel. She squatted by the mound, closed her eyes.
Give sustenance, Allah.
Give sustenance to me.
15.
APRIL 1978
O n April 17, 1978, the year Mariam turned nineteen, a man named Mir Akbar Khyber was found murdered. Two days later,
there was a large demonstration in Kabul. Everyone in the neighborhood was in the streets talking about it. Through the window,
Mariam saw neighbors milling about, chatting
MEANWHILE, a change had come over Rasheed ever since the day at the bathhouse. Most nights when he came home, he hardly talked
anymore. He ate, smoked, went to bed, sometimes came back in the middle of the night for a brief and, of late, quite rough
session of coupling. He was more apt to sulk these days, to fault her cooking, to complain about clutter around the yard or
point out even minor uncleanliness in the house. Occasionally, he took her around town on Fridays, like he used to, but on
the sidewalks he walked quickly and always a few steps ahead of her, without speaking, unmindful of Mariam who almost had
to run to keep up with him. He wasn’t so ready with a laugh on these outings anymore. He didn’t buy her sweets or gifts, didn’t
stop and name places to her as he used to. Her questions seemed to irritate him.
One night, they were sitting in the living room listening to the radio. Winter was passing. The stiff winds that plastered
snow onto the face and made the eyes water had calmed. Silvery fluffs of snow were melting off the branches of tall elms and
would be replaced in a few weeks with stubby, pale green buds. Rasheed was shaking his foot absently to the tabla beat of
a Hamahang song, his eyes crinkled against cigarette smoke.
“Are you angry with me?” Mariam asked.
Rasheed said nothing. The song ended and the news came on. A woman’s voice reported that President Daoud Khan had sent yet
another group of Soviet consultants back to Moscow, to the expected displeasure of the Kremlin.
“I worry that you are angry with me.”
Rasheed sighed.
“Are you?”
His eyes shifted to her. “Why would I be angry?”
“I don’t know, but ever since the baby—”
“Is that the kind of man you take me for, after everything I’ve done for you?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then stop pestering me!”
“I’m sorry. Bebakhsh, Rasheed. I’m sorry.”
He crushed out his cigarette and lit another. He turned up the volume on the radio.
“I’ve been thinking, though,” Mariam said, raising her voice so as to be heard over the music.
Rasheed sighed again, more irritably this time, turned down the volume once more. He rubbed his forehead wearily. “What now?”
“I’ve been thinking, that maybe we should have a proper burial. For the baby, I mean. Just us, a few prayers, nothing more.”
Mariam had been thinking about it for a while. She didn’t want to forget this baby. It didn’t seem right, not to mark this
loss in some way that was permanent.
“What for? It’s idiotic.”
“It would make me feel better, I think.”
“Then you do it,” he said sharply. “I’ve already buried one son. I won’t bury another. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m trying to listen.”
He turned up the volume again, leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
One sunny morning that week, Mariam picked a spot in the yard and dug a hole.
“In the name of Allah and with Allah, and in the name of the messenger of Allah upon whom be the blessings and peace of Allah,”
she said under her breath as her shovel bit into the ground. She placed the suede coat that Rasheed had bought for the baby
in the hole and shoveled dirt over it.
“You make the night to pass into the day and You make the day to pass into the night, and You bring forth the living from
the dead and You bring forth the dead from the living, and You give sustenance to whom You please without measure.”
She patted the dirt with the back of the shovel. She squatted by the mound, closed her eyes.
Give sustenance, Allah.
Give sustenance to me.
15.
APRIL 1978
O n April 17, 1978, the year Mariam turned nineteen, a man named Mir Akbar Khyber was found murdered. Two days later,
there was a large demonstration in Kabul. Everyone in the neighborhood was in the streets talking about it. Through the window,
Mariam saw neighbors milling about, chatting
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