A Step Toward Falling by Cammie McGovern Page B

say that, but she’s also right. I never did get paid.
    Now I watch a close-up of Mr. Firth looking out over his moors. His lips don’t move, but I hear him say, You should go back. Finish school and finish your job.
    I’m sure he’s saying it. I hear it perfectly.
    â€œNAN!” I scream. “HE’S TALKING TO ME!”
    Nan gets scared and runs in, all red in the face. “What is it, baby??”
    â€œMr. Firth is talking to me!” Right after I say it, I know I shouldn’t have. I remember everything she’s said about how he can’t see me and how he might not even read my letters even though he answered that one. I know I’ve made a mistake. Nan will get worried. She might say I should go back to the hospital. I don’t want to do that, I really don’t.
    â€œNothing,” I say, staring at the TV set like it said the thing about Mr. Firth.
    â€œWho was talking to you, Belinda?”
    For an old person, Nan’s hearing is still pretty good. “No one was. I don’t know why I said that. Let’s just forget it, okay?”
    Nan squints at me like she’s not going to forget it, which I know is true. She’s got her eye on me. After sheleaves the room, I close my eyes to see if he’ll talk to me again. I want to hear him say it again. You should go back. Finish school and your job.
    I don’t hear him say it again but that’s okay.
    That night for dinner, it’s rotisserie chicken, broccoli, and rice. Salt is my favorite spice; I put it on everything. Before I take a bite I tell Nan and Mom that I want to go back to school.
    â€œReally?” Mom says. She looks so surprised that she sits up straighter.
    â€œAbsolutely not,” Nan says. “We’ve already decided this.” She looks at Mom. “We’ve had this conversation, Lauren.”
    â€œI didn’t,” I say. “I never had this conversation.”
    â€œYour mother and I feel very strongly about this. You were not safe at school; they were not able to protect you.”
    Mom looks down at her plate. I wish she would say something but she doesn’t so I say, “I was safe except for that one time!”
    Nan shuts her eyes and breathes through her nose.
    â€œI have to go back. I have a job to do!”
    â€œIt’s not a real job, Belinda. You know that.”
    â€œIt is too! I know I can’t keep it, but it’s a real job.”
    I see Mom peek at me. She wants me to stand up to Nan. Just because she won’t do it doesn’t mean I can’t. “They need me! Mr. Johnson said so! He said, I don’t know what we’ll do without you next year, Belinda. He said that!”
    â€œHe was being nice, sweetheart. Everyone loves youvery much, but that doesn’t mean things have changed at school. I’m not just talking about the one incident. They never accommodated you in one of their plays. You were never included in any regular classes. You weren’t safe because none of the other kids knew you well enough to be your friend. They couldn’t look out for you or protect you. I know that boy isn’t there anymore, but the problems still are.”
    I hate Nan for saying this. It makes me want to cry.
    â€œNothing will have changed, Belinda. That’s all I’m saying.”
    Maybe she’s right, I think. This was my last year to be in a play and I still didn’t get cast. Mr. Bergman said he was really sorry this time, that he wanted it to work out before I graduated, but there were more budget cuts and he just didn’t have the money. That won’t change.
    People looking at me in the hallway won’t change either. Maybe they’ll know what happened with Mitchell Breski and stare at me more. That would be terrible.
    I don’t have many friends at school. The ones I have are mostly adults. Usually I’m okay if adults are around, but if they’re not, I might have a panic