her to Thanksgiving?”
“Well, I guess. That’s like five months away. I was just imagining you two teaming up on me. That would be tough for me.”
There was a long pause, and then Katie replied, “I bet you dream about that, don’t you?” There was a kind of dismissive tone in Katie’s voice, which I took as a good sign. She had a long history of mocking me.
“Ha, that’s more like a nightmare. I can barely handle you, let alone you and Julie. I wouldn’t know what to do!”
“Sorry, I have to go,” Katie stated, her voice rushed. “I’m glad Julie is like me.” Before I could reply she had hung up the phone.
I stared at the screen, trying to make sense of our conversation. Part of me thought she was mad over Julie, but part of me was thinking that she didn’t really say anything negative. I had explained that Julie was nothing like Erin. That was good, right?
I decided to make a better effort at calling Katie, but she was never free when I called and never called me back the rest of the summer.
25
Katie
I called Max after I broke up with Rob. I needed my best friend, even though I knew things had changed between us. I wanted to call the friend who would say, “I’m so sorry, Katie,” and then he would laugh and add, “I bet he was ugly and had a body odor. I’m sure you’re better without him.” Or ask me, “So how far did you go? Does he kiss better than me?” or say, “What, he tried to seduce you like that? What an asshole!” All girls have friends like that, and Max had always been that friend for me.
That was the kind of friend Max had always been—sharing everything and laughing and learning about the most embarrassing and sad moments. It made them all more tolerable.
But after Erin such a conversation would have been awkward. Still, part of me wanted to tell him that I wanted to lose my virginity, but that it wasn’t in the cards because I still believed in the promise and that Rob wasn’t nearly as sexy as Max was.
For years I shared everything with Max, and now it would have felt weird to do that. It made me sad.
Still, Max was Max, and our conversation brightened my mood. It was like we had never had a falling out as we talked about The Walking Dead , teasing each other in that way we always did.
But then he mentioned his girlfriend, and my heart sank. I couldn’t deal with it, especially as he said she reminded him of me. How could I make sense of something like that? Did he actually want me but was fucking her instead since she was accessible or was she a better version of me?
And then he was mocking me with comments about a threesome when we’d all be together at Thanksgiving. That hurt the most. Was that all I was to him anymore, part of a fantasy inspired from some cheap porn film?
It made me think of Rob. I cried when I broke up with him. Not because I was sad over the break up, but because I was sad he wasn’t Max and that no one would ever be Max. But now even Max wasn’t the Max I loved and adored.
Part VI
26
Max
T here was Erin , then there was Julie. Then a couple dates with a girl whose name I don’t remember. Isabel. Rose. Then Petra senior year. I guess I made it through college with some degree of success with women, but every one ended with tears, anger, and always… emptiness.
The fact was that none of them measured up to Katie. Julie was so much like Katie, but that turned out to be a bad thing. She was just a little worse in every way. She was funny but not as funny. She was pretty but not as pretty. She was even sexy, but not as sexy. In the end, Julie felt like settling for a pale copy of the real thing.
Petra was the only one that I felt a real connection with, and it was due to her actually being different than Katie. Petra was as cold and calculating as I was, whereas Katie was all emotion and crazy ideas and flying by the seat of her pants.
Not that Petra was a sociopath. She just liked to assess all the variables before making a
“Well, I guess. That’s like five months away. I was just imagining you two teaming up on me. That would be tough for me.”
There was a long pause, and then Katie replied, “I bet you dream about that, don’t you?” There was a kind of dismissive tone in Katie’s voice, which I took as a good sign. She had a long history of mocking me.
“Ha, that’s more like a nightmare. I can barely handle you, let alone you and Julie. I wouldn’t know what to do!”
“Sorry, I have to go,” Katie stated, her voice rushed. “I’m glad Julie is like me.” Before I could reply she had hung up the phone.
I stared at the screen, trying to make sense of our conversation. Part of me thought she was mad over Julie, but part of me was thinking that she didn’t really say anything negative. I had explained that Julie was nothing like Erin. That was good, right?
I decided to make a better effort at calling Katie, but she was never free when I called and never called me back the rest of the summer.
25
Katie
I called Max after I broke up with Rob. I needed my best friend, even though I knew things had changed between us. I wanted to call the friend who would say, “I’m so sorry, Katie,” and then he would laugh and add, “I bet he was ugly and had a body odor. I’m sure you’re better without him.” Or ask me, “So how far did you go? Does he kiss better than me?” or say, “What, he tried to seduce you like that? What an asshole!” All girls have friends like that, and Max had always been that friend for me.
That was the kind of friend Max had always been—sharing everything and laughing and learning about the most embarrassing and sad moments. It made them all more tolerable.
But after Erin such a conversation would have been awkward. Still, part of me wanted to tell him that I wanted to lose my virginity, but that it wasn’t in the cards because I still believed in the promise and that Rob wasn’t nearly as sexy as Max was.
For years I shared everything with Max, and now it would have felt weird to do that. It made me sad.
Still, Max was Max, and our conversation brightened my mood. It was like we had never had a falling out as we talked about The Walking Dead , teasing each other in that way we always did.
But then he mentioned his girlfriend, and my heart sank. I couldn’t deal with it, especially as he said she reminded him of me. How could I make sense of something like that? Did he actually want me but was fucking her instead since she was accessible or was she a better version of me?
And then he was mocking me with comments about a threesome when we’d all be together at Thanksgiving. That hurt the most. Was that all I was to him anymore, part of a fantasy inspired from some cheap porn film?
It made me think of Rob. I cried when I broke up with him. Not because I was sad over the break up, but because I was sad he wasn’t Max and that no one would ever be Max. But now even Max wasn’t the Max I loved and adored.
Part VI
26
Max
T here was Erin , then there was Julie. Then a couple dates with a girl whose name I don’t remember. Isabel. Rose. Then Petra senior year. I guess I made it through college with some degree of success with women, but every one ended with tears, anger, and always… emptiness.
The fact was that none of them measured up to Katie. Julie was so much like Katie, but that turned out to be a bad thing. She was just a little worse in every way. She was funny but not as funny. She was pretty but not as pretty. She was even sexy, but not as sexy. In the end, Julie felt like settling for a pale copy of the real thing.
Petra was the only one that I felt a real connection with, and it was due to her actually being different than Katie. Petra was as cold and calculating as I was, whereas Katie was all emotion and crazy ideas and flying by the seat of her pants.
Not that Petra was a sociopath. She just liked to assess all the variables before making a
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