Unfortunately there was nothing two accommodating middle-aged women or anybody else could do that would relieve me of the burden of one Grady Barber.
Of course Grady had taken one look at the male equivalent of the women judges’ dressing room and insisted that we remake the most comfortable green room at the farthest end of the hall just for him, so that he would not be hounded by fans. With much grinding of teeth, I had. I headed in that direction now to make sure his wicker basket of organic fruit, mineral water, and trans fat-free whole wheat crackers had been delivered.
All hope of a quick check and a good night vanished while I was still fifteen yards away. I could hear an argument behind the closed door. Grady’s voice was the loudest, and for a man who could sing so sweetly, he could also bellow like a hog caller.
“I’m fed up with your incompetence, Fred. I make allowances. I’m not that hard to please—”
“Are you kidding me? You’re impossible. Nothing anybody does for you is good enough. And you’re worse this week than I’ve ever seen you. What is it about being in Ohio that’s got your head up your—”
“Who do you think you are? A miserable, overpaid, underworked loser—”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t see you firing me. And I know why! Nobody else would work for you, and you can’t make it without an assistant. I don’t know why I stay. There are half a dozen people back in L.A. who want to hire me and—”
“Really? Then why don’t you quit? Just walk out of here. You threaten to enough! I’ll tell you why. Because you know the moment you do, I’ll put the word out about what a loser you really are.” He followed this with a tirade of profanity that was both creative and withering.
Fred’s voice sounded closer now, as if he was moving toward the door. “Yeah? Well, let me tell you, you’re walking the razor’s edge, Grady. And if you slip, I won’t be responsible for the consequences. You know what? If worse came to worst, there wouldn’t be anybody out there that cared enough about you to bother picking up the pieces, anyway. You’re a sadist, and you get your kicks out of making everybody around you miserable. You’d better watch out, or it’s going to come right back at you! And I’ll be standing here laughing my head off!”
I was rooted to the spot, of course. My so-called job description didn’t include getting into any line of fire, but I was delighted to hear Fred fighting back. Until this moment I wasn’t sure he had it in him.
The green room door flew open, and Fred came roaring out. Color flushed his cheeks, and he nearly ran me over before he even realized I was there.
“You heard that?” he demanded, as he stalked past me.
“Just the tail end.” I spun around and raced to keep up with him. “Fred, hang on there. What’s going on?”
“He’s behaving like an ass—” He cleared his throat and glanced at me. “You get it.”
“Where are you going? Please, don’t tell me you’re leaving me to deal with him by myself.”
Fred slowed down a little. “It might be better.”
“For who?!”
He stopped. His sigh was nearly as loud as their argument. “Nothing can please him. I could do every job a dozen different ways, and he’d want it done the one way I didn’t bother with. He’s lost his freaking mind. Is there something in the air here?”
“Maybe we need to pipe in a little smog.”
“I was in pretty good shape when I took this job. Now my heart races, my gums bleed, my toenails are turning yellow—”
I was desperate to avoid the listing of hemorrhoids, impotence, or worse. “Take a deep breath, okay? Our air’s good for you, and free.”
“I thought dealing with his ex-wives was bad enough. But at least he left me alone to handle them. Since we got here, he’s on top of me about everything. I’m two words away from quitting.”
“Please, please don’t say them until you’re on your way out of town. I’ll do
Of course Grady had taken one look at the male equivalent of the women judges’ dressing room and insisted that we remake the most comfortable green room at the farthest end of the hall just for him, so that he would not be hounded by fans. With much grinding of teeth, I had. I headed in that direction now to make sure his wicker basket of organic fruit, mineral water, and trans fat-free whole wheat crackers had been delivered.
All hope of a quick check and a good night vanished while I was still fifteen yards away. I could hear an argument behind the closed door. Grady’s voice was the loudest, and for a man who could sing so sweetly, he could also bellow like a hog caller.
“I’m fed up with your incompetence, Fred. I make allowances. I’m not that hard to please—”
“Are you kidding me? You’re impossible. Nothing anybody does for you is good enough. And you’re worse this week than I’ve ever seen you. What is it about being in Ohio that’s got your head up your—”
“Who do you think you are? A miserable, overpaid, underworked loser—”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t see you firing me. And I know why! Nobody else would work for you, and you can’t make it without an assistant. I don’t know why I stay. There are half a dozen people back in L.A. who want to hire me and—”
“Really? Then why don’t you quit? Just walk out of here. You threaten to enough! I’ll tell you why. Because you know the moment you do, I’ll put the word out about what a loser you really are.” He followed this with a tirade of profanity that was both creative and withering.
Fred’s voice sounded closer now, as if he was moving toward the door. “Yeah? Well, let me tell you, you’re walking the razor’s edge, Grady. And if you slip, I won’t be responsible for the consequences. You know what? If worse came to worst, there wouldn’t be anybody out there that cared enough about you to bother picking up the pieces, anyway. You’re a sadist, and you get your kicks out of making everybody around you miserable. You’d better watch out, or it’s going to come right back at you! And I’ll be standing here laughing my head off!”
I was rooted to the spot, of course. My so-called job description didn’t include getting into any line of fire, but I was delighted to hear Fred fighting back. Until this moment I wasn’t sure he had it in him.
The green room door flew open, and Fred came roaring out. Color flushed his cheeks, and he nearly ran me over before he even realized I was there.
“You heard that?” he demanded, as he stalked past me.
“Just the tail end.” I spun around and raced to keep up with him. “Fred, hang on there. What’s going on?”
“He’s behaving like an ass—” He cleared his throat and glanced at me. “You get it.”
“Where are you going? Please, don’t tell me you’re leaving me to deal with him by myself.”
Fred slowed down a little. “It might be better.”
“For who?!”
He stopped. His sigh was nearly as loud as their argument. “Nothing can please him. I could do every job a dozen different ways, and he’d want it done the one way I didn’t bother with. He’s lost his freaking mind. Is there something in the air here?”
“Maybe we need to pipe in a little smog.”
“I was in pretty good shape when I took this job. Now my heart races, my gums bleed, my toenails are turning yellow—”
I was desperate to avoid the listing of hemorrhoids, impotence, or worse. “Take a deep breath, okay? Our air’s good for you, and free.”
“I thought dealing with his ex-wives was bad enough. But at least he left me alone to handle them. Since we got here, he’s on top of me about everything. I’m two words away from quitting.”
“Please, please don’t say them until you’re on your way out of town. I’ll do
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