what you preach, so to speak—we will visit your species. You will have much to learn from us, and both sides shall rejuice."
"Rejoice?"
"Yes, hallelujah."
"And if I fail?"
"We will leave your world and never return, marking your species as primitive and unworthy of interacting with other races. While this may not seem that bad—things will appear to go on with your world as before, and with your memory erased, not even one of you will know the difference—you must understand that there are other races in the universe who are not so benign as us. There are those who routinely plunder and ravage other worlds, unless we intervene. We are a formidable protector, but we only intervene if you are declared oxyzan."
"Worthy to contact."
"Exactly. You never know when one of these races may appear. It could be centuries, or it could be weeks. But your radio waves are reaching farther and farther into space even as we speak. We discovered them and traced them here. It's only a matter of time before someone else does too."
"I'll do my best," Harry said. "At least all I have to worry about is losing your protection."
"Well, there is one other possibility . . ."
"What's that?"
"Oh, I'm not even going to mention it, the possibility is so remote. It's never been used before, and we've visited hundreds of populated worlds. Listen, this is what we'll do. After I return you, behave as well as you possibly can for the next thirty Earth days. We will monitor your progress. At the end of the time, I will bring you back here and let you know of my superiors' decision. You can't tell anyone about us, or we will simply leave and never return. Do your best, Harry. Your world is counting on you."
Harry felt the same tingling sensation from before, creeping up his legs. When the dizziness passed and his sight returned, Harry again stood in his office. His secretary, who had dressed in his absence, was turned away from him, admiring his painting of the Virgin Mary.
"Janice?" he said.
"Oh!" She turned, a hand to her throat. "Oh, Harry, it's you. Where did you go? You just vanished!"
"I . . . spoke to God, my dear. He wanted to counsel me."
Janice sidled up against him, suggestively brushing his thigh. "Well, I wish you'd counsel me, my dear. I get so incredibly lonely in your absence."
Harry grabbed her hand and pushed her away. "Not now, my dear. I must do my show in ten minutes."
"But that's always been enough time in the past," Janice protested.
"The past is the past, my dear. I'm a new man now, and you're a married woman, even if it is only on paper. Our sinful ways will have to stop."
Janice pouted. Harry held firm. Janice screeched and tore at her hair. Harry ignored her. Janice said she loved him. Feeling his moral strength growing, Harry told her that love was for God to decide. And while she wailed and balled, Harry remained resolute, and left her to do his show.
It was one of his best ones ever. Full of fire and conviction, he railed against those who were not consistent with their moral beliefs. He preached about integrity and values. The studio audience gave him a standing ovation, and he was sure that his ratings had received a great boost. The next two weeks went as well as he could have hoped. He maintained a life consistent with what he preached. In the third week, however, the temptations grew too much. Needing to fix a dent in his BMW, he pilfered the cash donations that came in the mail, rationalizing that he would pay it back later. A few days later his secretary cornered him in one of the broom closets, and, his sexual urges nearly at overload, he gave into her. But in his own mind it was she who forced him. In the fourth week, a caller on his show asked him if he'd ever done drugs, and he said no, knowing full well that he'd smoked plenty of weed when he was younger. It was a bold face lie, to be sure, but he
"Rejoice?"
"Yes, hallelujah."
"And if I fail?"
"We will leave your world and never return, marking your species as primitive and unworthy of interacting with other races. While this may not seem that bad—things will appear to go on with your world as before, and with your memory erased, not even one of you will know the difference—you must understand that there are other races in the universe who are not so benign as us. There are those who routinely plunder and ravage other worlds, unless we intervene. We are a formidable protector, but we only intervene if you are declared oxyzan."
"Worthy to contact."
"Exactly. You never know when one of these races may appear. It could be centuries, or it could be weeks. But your radio waves are reaching farther and farther into space even as we speak. We discovered them and traced them here. It's only a matter of time before someone else does too."
"I'll do my best," Harry said. "At least all I have to worry about is losing your protection."
"Well, there is one other possibility . . ."
"What's that?"
"Oh, I'm not even going to mention it, the possibility is so remote. It's never been used before, and we've visited hundreds of populated worlds. Listen, this is what we'll do. After I return you, behave as well as you possibly can for the next thirty Earth days. We will monitor your progress. At the end of the time, I will bring you back here and let you know of my superiors' decision. You can't tell anyone about us, or we will simply leave and never return. Do your best, Harry. Your world is counting on you."
Harry felt the same tingling sensation from before, creeping up his legs. When the dizziness passed and his sight returned, Harry again stood in his office. His secretary, who had dressed in his absence, was turned away from him, admiring his painting of the Virgin Mary.
"Janice?" he said.
"Oh!" She turned, a hand to her throat. "Oh, Harry, it's you. Where did you go? You just vanished!"
"I . . . spoke to God, my dear. He wanted to counsel me."
Janice sidled up against him, suggestively brushing his thigh. "Well, I wish you'd counsel me, my dear. I get so incredibly lonely in your absence."
Harry grabbed her hand and pushed her away. "Not now, my dear. I must do my show in ten minutes."
"But that's always been enough time in the past," Janice protested.
"The past is the past, my dear. I'm a new man now, and you're a married woman, even if it is only on paper. Our sinful ways will have to stop."
Janice pouted. Harry held firm. Janice screeched and tore at her hair. Harry ignored her. Janice said she loved him. Feeling his moral strength growing, Harry told her that love was for God to decide. And while she wailed and balled, Harry remained resolute, and left her to do his show.
It was one of his best ones ever. Full of fire and conviction, he railed against those who were not consistent with their moral beliefs. He preached about integrity and values. The studio audience gave him a standing ovation, and he was sure that his ratings had received a great boost. The next two weeks went as well as he could have hoped. He maintained a life consistent with what he preached. In the third week, however, the temptations grew too much. Needing to fix a dent in his BMW, he pilfered the cash donations that came in the mail, rationalizing that he would pay it back later. A few days later his secretary cornered him in one of the broom closets, and, his sexual urges nearly at overload, he gave into her. But in his own mind it was she who forced him. In the fourth week, a caller on his show asked him if he'd ever done drugs, and he said no, knowing full well that he'd smoked plenty of weed when he was younger. It was a bold face lie, to be sure, but he
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