small.
I lied.
When I’d broken up with Jared, he’d tried to get to me by saying we’d slept together. He wanted those rumors to destroy me, but I hadn’t let them. By pretending the rumor he’d spread had been true, I took all his power away from him, and I spun the story so it suited my own needs.
By the way Hailey and the other girls looked at me then, I felt the need to spin this story as well. I thought about what I would have said if Logan and I weren’t friends. Then I rolled my eyes and summoned the typical Payton Carlson, mean-girl tone of voice.
“Logan?” I laughed. “He’s my neighbor, and he’s got some crush on me or something. I was just letting him help me on this paper.”
Hailey laughed. I felt this sick twist in my stomach.
“Good,” she said with relief in her voice. “He’s such a weirdo.”
Jo silently shook her head and gave me a disapproving look.
“Oh hey, I need your advice on what jewelry to wear to Homecoming,” Hailey continued, but her words trailed off.
I’d never felt more guilty. I’d always been honest, brutally so, but in the past it had been easy to be honest. I guess because it came at someone else’s expense. This time, my honesty would have come at the expense of Hailey’s snide remarks and judgmental looks aimed at me. That wasn’t something I was used to, not ever, and so I’d lied.
I carried my guilt with me to Logan’s that night; it hung from me like a lead suit, and with it came this strange insecurity. I’d never much cared what people thought of me, but then again, no one had ever thought I was weird or a loser. My classmates either looked up to me, wanted to be me, or thought I was a bitch. No one had ever looked at me like Hailey had earlier that day. No one had ever made me feel weak, not since Jared. I felt torn between wanting to be Logan’s friend and keeping control over what my friends thought of me.
Logan helped me with my paper, and though I’d been distracted by Hailey’s comments earlier that night, I eased into comfortable conversation with him. After finishing my paper he had me laughing over some stupid joke and I tilted my head back, squinting into the golden light of the setting sun.
When the chuckles died down, Logan said, “Hey, I was wondering if at lunch tomorrow you could meet me in the metal shop. I have something I want to show you.”
All laughter drained away, and I thought about school and Hailey again. Part of me was curious what Logan wanted to show me, but a bigger part of me was nervous about what my friends would think. I wanted to just be me , but over the last few years who I was had become deeply tangled with my friends. They were a part of me, especially Jo, but Hailey too, and the thought of any of them being disappointed in me felt like losing a piece of myself.
“Logan….” I began, searching for the right words. “I don’t know if…I think maybe it’d be better if we just hung out outside of school.” I think I was trying to convince myself that was a fair compromise, even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and yet I’d said it anyway.
Logan’s brow puckered and he looked away. After a moment he laughed this flat, humorless sound and shook his head.
“I guess I should have expected that.” The harsh tone of his voice made my heart ache.
“Logan….” I searched for the right words.
“And here I thought you’d never stop being someone’s friend just because they were different. That was what you said, right? I think maybe you should re-think that statement.”
My shoulders slumped. Something inside me felt like it was being ripped out. Logan was right: I was a complete hypocrite. I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who judged people and decided who was worthy of being my friend by their reputation. But I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for the people I wanted in my life.
“I never said I didn’t want to be friends, and this has nothing to do with your
I lied.
When I’d broken up with Jared, he’d tried to get to me by saying we’d slept together. He wanted those rumors to destroy me, but I hadn’t let them. By pretending the rumor he’d spread had been true, I took all his power away from him, and I spun the story so it suited my own needs.
By the way Hailey and the other girls looked at me then, I felt the need to spin this story as well. I thought about what I would have said if Logan and I weren’t friends. Then I rolled my eyes and summoned the typical Payton Carlson, mean-girl tone of voice.
“Logan?” I laughed. “He’s my neighbor, and he’s got some crush on me or something. I was just letting him help me on this paper.”
Hailey laughed. I felt this sick twist in my stomach.
“Good,” she said with relief in her voice. “He’s such a weirdo.”
Jo silently shook her head and gave me a disapproving look.
“Oh hey, I need your advice on what jewelry to wear to Homecoming,” Hailey continued, but her words trailed off.
I’d never felt more guilty. I’d always been honest, brutally so, but in the past it had been easy to be honest. I guess because it came at someone else’s expense. This time, my honesty would have come at the expense of Hailey’s snide remarks and judgmental looks aimed at me. That wasn’t something I was used to, not ever, and so I’d lied.
I carried my guilt with me to Logan’s that night; it hung from me like a lead suit, and with it came this strange insecurity. I’d never much cared what people thought of me, but then again, no one had ever thought I was weird or a loser. My classmates either looked up to me, wanted to be me, or thought I was a bitch. No one had ever looked at me like Hailey had earlier that day. No one had ever made me feel weak, not since Jared. I felt torn between wanting to be Logan’s friend and keeping control over what my friends thought of me.
Logan helped me with my paper, and though I’d been distracted by Hailey’s comments earlier that night, I eased into comfortable conversation with him. After finishing my paper he had me laughing over some stupid joke and I tilted my head back, squinting into the golden light of the setting sun.
When the chuckles died down, Logan said, “Hey, I was wondering if at lunch tomorrow you could meet me in the metal shop. I have something I want to show you.”
All laughter drained away, and I thought about school and Hailey again. Part of me was curious what Logan wanted to show me, but a bigger part of me was nervous about what my friends would think. I wanted to just be me , but over the last few years who I was had become deeply tangled with my friends. They were a part of me, especially Jo, but Hailey too, and the thought of any of them being disappointed in me felt like losing a piece of myself.
“Logan….” I began, searching for the right words. “I don’t know if…I think maybe it’d be better if we just hung out outside of school.” I think I was trying to convince myself that was a fair compromise, even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and yet I’d said it anyway.
Logan’s brow puckered and he looked away. After a moment he laughed this flat, humorless sound and shook his head.
“I guess I should have expected that.” The harsh tone of his voice made my heart ache.
“Logan….” I searched for the right words.
“And here I thought you’d never stop being someone’s friend just because they were different. That was what you said, right? I think maybe you should re-think that statement.”
My shoulders slumped. Something inside me felt like it was being ripped out. Logan was right: I was a complete hypocrite. I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who judged people and decided who was worthy of being my friend by their reputation. But I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for the people I wanted in my life.
“I never said I didn’t want to be friends, and this has nothing to do with your
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